A Letter to Those Grieving This Father's Day, From a Therapist

Ah, summer—backyard barbecues, baseball, beer.

If your father is alive and well and you have a good relationship with him, then these reminders of fathers and Father’s Day likely evoke happiness and thoughts of long summer nights. But for those of you are grieving, the fact that Father’s Day and summer advertising are inextricably linked can be a minefield for your emotions.

Much like Mother’s Day, the holiday was not originally meant to honor the living fathers, as it does today. The first celebrated Father’s Day in the United States was in 1908 in West Virginia, and it was to honor hundreds of men who had recently died in a mining accident.

But the holiday would not be officially recognized until the 1960s, when President Richard Nixon signed an executive order recognizing the holiday.

If you’re grieving on Father’s Day, you are well aware of the father-sized hole in your heart. You’re probably also keenly aware that Mother’s Day grief typically is more recognized—despite the fact that according to United States Census data from 2021, more people have experienced father loss than mother loss. (All loss is important, of course. Including and especially pet loss.)

Census data won’t keep you warm at night, though, so here’s a few tips from a therapist (who, at this writing, is currently experiencing anticipatory grief for my ill father) on how to get through this day and time of year.

Be Flexible

I know your heart is hurting, sweet reader, and you’re probably wondering why this weird writer is telling you to be flexible. No, I don’t mean to be flexible to other people (in fact, boundaries are great!). I mean to be flexible with yourself. 

Often, in the face of Big Grief Days, we have a certain expectation of how the day will go. This expectation can take the shape of what our plans should look like on the day or even how we “should” feel. 

Just because a month ago, you thought it might be a great day to go bungee jumping and distract yourself, doesn’t mean that’s what you will want to do when the day comes. Sure, there are some days when forcing yourself out to do something will help distract you a bit, but if you wake up feeling like you need to lay in bed and eat a pint of ice cream on Father’s Day because you’re sad, I think you should give yourself room to do that, too. 

Remember That Father’s Day Is Just a Day on the Calendar

On the opposite side of the coin, if you’d planned a day of wallowing and you actually wake up feeling great and forgetting it’s Father’s Day, you get to honor that, too. 

You don’t need to force yourself to be sad or make yourself sad if you’re not feeling sad on that day. It doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it have anything to do with how much you loved them (or didn’t, if you had a difficult relationship). All it means is that you’re not sad on an arbitrary day on the calendar. 

In fact, if you want to ignore that it’s Father’s Day, that is also perfectly acceptable.

Give Yourself the Love Your Dad Gave You 

Like many humans with other humans, I have had a complex relationship with my father, especially after my mom died and we had to navigate our relationship on our own.

But when I think of the love I got from him when I was younger, I think a lot of both his pragmatism and his generosity. My dad is a Vietnam Army helicopter pilot veteran who later ran a business (raised by a father who was also a veteran and who ran said business before him), so his pragmatism became as encoded into his DNA as his fiery red hair.

As a creative Aquarius who lives at the beach in Los Angeles and holds two liberal arts degrees, I’m maybe a little less pragmatic than him. While the therapist in me might argue that he saw things a little too black and white, she can also see that sometimes looking at a problem pragmatically instead of emotionally can slow down the spirals in my head.

He also did well financially and usually quietly picked up the bill at many family dinners out. Within our nuclear family unit—my mom, him, and me—there were few costs too great for the ones he loved. 

As a single woman, I may define family a little differently these days by including friends as my chosen family, but I try to match that same generosity when I can, either financially or through my time.

Or Give Yourself the Love You Wish He’d Been Able to Give You

I’ll save the other ways I wish he’d shown love for my therapist, but I will say that if your dad didn’t show love to you in the ways you wish he had, I see you. And, as a therapist, I grant you permission to show yourself that love. 

Whether it’s turning off the criticizing voice in your head or allowing yourself more ease, you’re allowed to do that. Nobody’s parents were perfect, and we all need a little bit of reparenting to help us meet our own emotional needs as adults.

I believe most parents mean well—and that despite that intent, their actions can still have a strong unintended impact that we can fix ourselves even if they don’t apologize.

Coping Is Coping

This might be a hot take coming from a therapist, but I believe coping doesn't always have to be "healthy." While, yes, we absolutely deserve to make the best and most nourishing choices for ourselves that we can—sometimes we also just need to get by.

I am not advocating here for deliberately self-sabotaging (especially if it is a behavior that will affect any kind of recovery), but I'm also saying to grant yourself some humanity and the permission not to be perfect. In fact, I believe that putting pressure on yourself to always be coping in the best way possible is counterproductive.

So, you did something you know wasn't necessarily the healthiest for you long-term, but it got you through Father's Day? Great!

As long as you're not causing lasting harm to yourself or others, I would say that this is actually the best example of either giving yourself the unconditional love you got from your dad—or that you wish you had gotten from your dad.