Ask a Therapist: How Can I Improve My Self-Esteem?

When we believe something, we constantly look for evidence that our belief is true. So if you believe you’re unworthy, for instance, you’ll view every mistake, mishap, and rejection as proof that you’re not good enough. Even if you succeed at something (like you get an award), you’ll likely chalk it up to “good luck” rather than take credit for your effort or skills.

The problem with feeling bad about yourself is that it can hold you back in life. Fortunately, there are several things you can do to improve your self-esteem and, ultimately, have the life you desire. Here are a few strategies to try.

Create a Healthy, Supportive Environment

A 2018 study found that individuals with low self-esteem tend to surround themselves with people who put them down. When others put them down, their words are in line with what the person with low self-esteem thinks about themselves. It gives them a twisted sense of comfort as they believe, "You see me the same way I see me."

The study also found that people who don’t feel good about themselves are more likely to seek support with indirect methods like whining, sulking, and complaining. Those strategies increase the likelihood that others will respond poorly, which again reinforces their beliefs that no one cares and they aren’t good enough.

For this reason, it’s important to evaluate the people around you. Are you surrounding yourself with people who put you down, even if subtly? Take a look at your physical environment too. Do you live in a cluttered, crowded space? Perhaps a messy place reinforces to you that you aren’t worthy of living in a neat environment.

Make it a priority to surround yourself with people and things that send a message that says you are good enough. It may feel uncomfortable at first but as your self-esteem improves, it’ll get easier.

Utilize Positive, Supportive Self-Talk

Monitor the conversations you have with yourself. If you repeatedly tell yourself, "This will never work," or "Everyone is going to laugh at me," you’re going to feel bad about yourself.

When you catch yourself being overly critical or making negative predictions about your chances of success, stop and ask, "What would I say to a friend who was thinking this?" Chances are, you’d likely offer compassionate words of encouragement.

For some reason, it’s much easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to ourselves. But self-compassion can be key to helping you feel better about yourself.

Speak back to your negative thoughts with a kinder, more compassionate statement, like "You can do this! Do your best and look people in the eye!" Changing your inner dialogue can shift your mindset over time. Your brain will begin to recognize that you’re more capable and competent than you give yourself credit for.

Act As If You Feel Confident 

Changing the way you think isn’t always enough to change deep-rooted beliefs and feelings about yourself. It’s also important to change your behavior.

A common therapy strategy is to "act as if." So in this case, it would be to act as if you felt confident. When you take action first, your feelings often follow. Acting confident shifts your mindset and can help you feel more confident about yourself. 

Ask yourself, "What would a confident person do right now?" It might be as simple as shaking hands, introducing yourself, or volunteering to go first. Take that action now. You don't have to wait until you feel confident to get out there and do it.

Consider Talking to a Therapist

If you’re having a hard time making changes on your own, talk to a therapist. A mental health professional can help you address the factors that affect your self-esteem so you can feel better. And feeling good about yourself is the key to reaching your greatest potential and living your best life.

Summary

Having a strong sense of self-esteem is important for your well-being. Take steps to make sure your surroundings and the people in your life help support your sense of self-worth. Treat yourself with the same kindness and encouragement that you would a close friend. Also, work on acting confidently even if you don't feel confident in the moment.

Finally, consider talking to a mental health professional about your self-esteem issues. A therapist can help you address some of the thinking patterns that contribute to poor self-esteem and develop new coping mechanisms that support a positive sense of self.