Small Steps for Building Sisterhood

In May 2023, we honored Dr. Joy Harden Bradford—the creator of Therapy for Black Girls—as one of the Verywell Mind 25, a collection of 25 thought leaders, experts, and advocates making a huge difference in the world of mental health.

The therapist, media personality, and podcaster has been dedicated to connecting Black people with Black therapists, doing her part to help fill a major treatment gap in the US. Now, she is adding published author to her resume with the release of her first book Sisterhood Heals, which she calls a "love letter to Black women and the transformative nature of sisterhood." All season on The Verywell Mind Podcast, we have spotlighted the power of community, something that is near and dear to Dr. Joy.

She sat down with Minaa B, host of The Verywell Mind Podcast, to talk about where community has been missing from our lives, how we can bring it back, and especially what women can do to put themselves out there and help lift each other up.

Filling a Treatment Gap

Therapy for Black Girls was an extension of Dr. Joy's initial work supporting the mental health of college students. That is how she began to identify the massive need for better access to treatment, especially for Black women.

"There were lots of people who were looking to connect with Black women therapists across the country," Dr. Joy says. That's still the case now, but resources like the Therapy for Black Girls directory have gone a long way toward not only raising awareness but providing real assistance to people in need, especially at a time when we are struggling with therapist shortages and a predominantly White workforce in the field.

"There's still so much work to be done in terms of decreasing the stigma related to mental health," Dr. Joy says. "So many of us have been socialized to keep this in the closet." She notes that mental health is still, for many people, something we don't talk about in public no matter how well we understand the need to care for it.

Making Stigma a Thing of the Past

"We're in a climate now where people are more vocal about their mental health challenges, and they're really trying to fight back against stigma," Dr. Joy says, adding that community is one of the biggest factors in making people feel more comfortable with sharing their struggles. Sisterhood Heals—which was originally conceived as an in-person event—digs into the enormous potential of fostering those communities we have been missing out on.

The event, like so many things, was sidelined by the pandemic, but was reborn as a book, "bringing together all of these things that we do in virtual spaces and making them tangible for people." bringing together all of these things that we do in virtual spaces and making it tangible for people." A particular focus of her book—continuing the theme of her previous work—is looking at the different ways black women have supported one another throughout history. "That is a lifeline for us and a real protective factor in terms of mental health," she says.

Building Sisterhood

While providing emotional support may come naturally to many people, that doesn't mean it's easy to just build a community around that. Dr. Joy suggests starting small, whether that means lending a hand to a mom who's feeling hassled at the grocery store or throwing compliments someone's way when you'd normally keep to yourself. "All of these little things, I think they feel small, but in a lot of ways, I think that they lay the foundation for something that could become bigger," she says.

The actions Dr. Joy suggests feel small, but also borderline revolutionary in the context of modern society where people have become more and more insulated and isolated. "What I have been encouraging people to do is look around in the background of your life for somebody who could become a significant person to you with a little bit of effort," she says. She wants her listeners and readers to be bold, be brave, and open themselves up to letting others in.

Dr. Joy recalls the pandemic and one of its many effects on our social lives. "We have to retrain ourselves to reengage with one another, because for years, we were forced to see each other as dangerous." We have to overcome those trained behaviors as well as the social anxiety we may already feel, and be comfortable getting outside our comfort zone.

The Art of the Difficult Conversation

"The intimacy that really comes with a deep, close relationship, a lot of times," Dr. Joy says, "that happens because you've navigated something difficult together." She notes that women in close friendships often have to deal with extremely complex feelings around things like jealousy or envy. Any close circle of friends will have engagements, marriages, divorces, new babies, and other life events that can complicate the group dynamic.

We live complicated lives, but that doesn't mean we find it easy to hold two opposing thoughts in mind at the same time. Someone else's great news can trigger feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, or fear of what that great news could mean for our friendships. Dr. Joy says women need to be willing to start the tough conversation. "Can we have an honest conversation and hold space for the grief, the anger, the anxiety, whatever it is that is coming up, and then work through that together so that we are stronger on the other side of it?"

It's important to lean into our complexity as humans, Dr. Joy says. "We are multifaceted, right? We are joy and love and all these things, but there are also these pieces of us that may be a little more difficult to manage," she says. "Just like we can create and hold space for joy and happiness, we can also hold space for jealousy, because jealousy is really just calling your attention to some unmet need."

Self-Care Is Community Care

As much as community means being there for others, it also means being there for yourself. It's OK to hold space for feelings that might traditionally be perceived as negative or toxic, but then you have to take the steps to deal with them and make sure your own needs are met. It's tough to provide support and care for others when you aren't doing so for yourself first.

Host Minaa B. draws attention to this need to "look inward and nurture yourself from the inside so that you can pour out to others." She adds "In the context of sisterhood, I think this culture of burnout is leaving people so emotionally and physically exhausted that some people are also struggling with, 'Now, how do I show up in sisterhood? How do I even show up in friendship when I feel like I'm struggling to show up for myself?'"

"A lot of people are tapped out, we are just kind of burnt to a crisp in a lot of ways," Dr. Joy says, "It is impossible, honestly, for you to show up in any kind of healthy way for other people when you are really just hanging on by a string."

That she says, is where a strong community comes in. Maybe you don't have the energy or capability at a given moment to provide sisterhood or support for others, but someone else in the group probably does. But the first step is having those tough conversations, and being willing to ask for help. "There are people in our lives who are readily available and wanting to help us, and we're just not even letting them help us. So I think it's about asking for help, but also receiving the help when people offer it," she says.

Dr. Joy is pushing back on the narrative that women, and especially Black women, always have to be givers. "We have to really challenge this narrative that self-care is selfish," she says. It sounds counterintuitive, maybe, but self-care doesn't mean someone wants out of a community, Dr. Joy says. If you don't show up for yourself, you won't be in position to show up for others.

Starting Small

It has to be acknowledged that community isn't something that can grow overnight. It has to be cultivated over time, but the smallest gestures can move you in the right direction, Dr. Joy says. Even something as small and seemingly insignificant as a positive comment on an Instagram post can be a way to come to a stranger's rescue.

"There is just so much in this world that is just awful and tragic. And I think if we can be little lights for one another, we can spread a little bit more goodness to try to counteract all the awful things that are happening."

Sisterhood Heals is available now wherever you buy books.