Can People Really Change?

There are many reasons why we may wish to change ourselves or the people in our lives. 

For instance, if you’ve made mistakes, you may regret them and promise yourself that you’ll change and do better next time. Or, if you feel like there’s something wrong with you, you may have tried to change but may not have succeeded yet, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.

Damarus notes that you may also want to change someone you love, such as a child or partner. Their words or actions may have hurt you or upset you, and you may desperately want them to change, for your benefit or their own. Sometimes, you might find it difficult to love them unless they change.

You may even want to change others in your life, such as your colleagues, teachers, neighbors, or other people you interact with. Their behavior may confuse or frustrate you, and you may hope that they change their ways.

But, is it actually possible to change yourself or those around you?

This article explores whether people can change as well as some forms of therapy that can be helpful in motivating change.

Can People Change?

You’ve probably heard the phrase “A leopard can’t change its spots,” which basically means that people are born a certain way and they can’t change. 

However, research suggests that change may in fact be possible. 

A 2017 review that analyzed the results of 207 studies found that people could change their personalities and experience improvements in mental health conditions with the support of clinical interventions (like therapy) and lifestyle interventions.

That said, it’s important to understand that change is not easy. Therefore, it is possible but not guaranteed, especially if someone is not open to change.

Damarus also goes on to say that trying to force someone to change is manipulation. And if someone feels as though they are being manipulated, they are even less likely to change.

If the person you’re trying to change is someone other than yourself, as much as you may want them to change, there is often only so much you can do. For instance, you can offer them encouragement and support, or even be a role model to them and set a positive example. However, you cannot control their actions, and eventually, whether or not they make a change is up to them. 

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Types of Therapy That Can Support Change

It is possible for people to change their personality traits, habits, behaviors, thoughts, and attitudes, often with the help of therapeutic interventions. Below, Daramus outlines some forms of therapy that can be helpful.

Acceptance Commitment Therapy

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is a type of therapy that focuses on first accepting that negative behavior, personality traits, or situations exist in your life, because trying to pretend that the problems aren't there means you can't recognize the things that need to change. Thereafter, it promotes commitment to positive thoughts and behavior patterns, to help motivate change.

For instance, take a person who is trying to lose weight. If this person is dieting out of self-loathing, they may engage in behaviors that are ultimately harmful to their physical and mental health. Accepting that this behavior is fueled by a negative feeling is the first part of their ACT process. ACT can then help them recognize these unhealthy behaviors and promote healthier ones that are sustainable and safe.

Motivational Interviewing

Motivational interviewing is about understanding the stages of change:

• Precontemplation: The person is not even considering a change and is denying or ignoring the problem
• Contemplation: The person is considering the pros and cons of making a change
• Preparation: The person is figuring out what they need to make the change
• Action: The person makes steps towards the change
• Maintenance: The person commits to their new behavior in the long term
• Relapse: The person experiences setbacks that make them reconsider or re-commit to their change

With motivational interviewing, you meet someone where they are and ask questions that get them thinking; for example, if someone is in the contemplation stage, where they are considering making a change, you can ask them to think of what the benefits of or problems with making the proposed change might be.

You ask very different questions of someone who doesn’t want to change than you do of someone who’s already trying.

This form of therapy is designed to engage people and help them build the motivation to change. It can be especially helpful if the person has mixed feelings about whether they want to change and are not especially confident that they have the ability to change.

A Word From Verywell

If you are angry, hurt, or frustrated by someone’s words or actions, you may wish for them to change. You may even want to change yourself if you don’t like things about yourself. 

Change can be difficult, but research shows us that change is possible. If you are hoping to change some aspects of yourself that maybe don't align with your values, consider reaching out to a therapist. Change is easier if you don't have to go it alone.