Should You Listen to Cliché Relationship Advice?

It seems like everybody and their mother is ready and willing to give relationship advice, whether you ask for it or not. And to make matters worse, these advice givers use the same phrases over and over, so much that they’ve become almost meaningless clichés. 

But does that mean their advice isn’t valid? 

Read on to learn more about the most stereotypical relationship advice, why it works (and doesn’t), and when you should take advice or ignore it.

Common Stereotypical Relationship Advice

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’ve likely heard these phrases before. But what do they mean and how helpful are they in reality?

“Everything happens for a reason.”

In my opinion, this phrase is at best myopic and at worst dangerous. It calls to mind toxic positivity, which is a point of view that ignores the bad—any bad, tbh—at the expense of objectivity and a full understanding of the situation. 

Sometimes, shit happens. Sometimes, really bad shit happens. Maybe your partner cheats on you; maybe you find out, after months or years of trying, you’re unable to have a baby. Is it truly helpful to think that those things were somehow supposed to happen? That the universe is trying to teach you a lesson? No. Thinking that way can make you feel helpless or even guilty. 

That can be helpful when this is, in fact, true—when it really wasn’t your fault and you need some help letting yourself off the hook. However, there are two sides to this coin. While saying this mantra can help you refrain from beating yourself up after the “bad thing” happens, it also could prevent you from examining the situation, learning from any mistakes, and taking accountability.

If you’ve found yourself giving this advice in the past, that’s OK. Maybe you truly believed it and thought it would help the person hearing it. But before you serve this platitude again, think about the unintended effects it might have. *cough* Like making the person think that you are ignoring or downplaying their pain *cough*

"If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.”

Another similar soundbite to the “everything happens for a reason.” This phrase takes away everyone's agency—yours and your partner’s. Saying “if it’s meant to be” implies there is nothing you can or should be doing to make whatever “it” is happen. 

This isn’t a great attitude to have in your relationship. Relationships take work and if you have goals—getting married, having children—leaving things up to chance won’t be helpful.

On the other hand, the good thing about this phrase is that it can take some of the relationship weight off your shoulders. This is especially true if you recognize that you can only do what you can do, and not everything can or should be your sole responsibility. That said, this can backfire if you can’t see and act on the things that are your responsibility. (Accountability lesson: 101).

If you’re saying this to a friend or family member, think about why you thought it would help. If the person you’re talking to believes in things like fate, maybe it was the right thing to say. But if they don’t, maybe think twice about suggesting leaving things up to chance.

“There's plenty of fish in the sea.”

Chances are, after a breakup, you’ve heard this from someone trying to make you feel better. And maybe it did—it’s helpful to remember your ex is not the only person in the world who can and will love you. On a planet of eight billion people, statistically, the opportunities are endless. (Never mind that most of that population lives in Asia—more power to you if you move there to increase your odds.)

However, this particular phrase can make light of your breakup pain and dismiss the importance of the ended relationship. It is encouraging you to immediately move on, which is usually not helpful or feasible.

You also have to consider the reality that there are relatively few fish meeting your emotional and physical needs. Not to mention if you're even compatible with them. Dating is not just a numbers game, though we proclaim otherwise. There’s more to dating than just how many people you can meet. 

This is another piece of advice you might find yourself doling out without much thought. But before you say this to friends or family again, think about how it might affect them—for example, they might feel as though you are not taking their pain or negative experiences seriously.  

“Actions speak louder than words.”

In some ways, this is very true. Your partner tells you they want to spend time together but doesn't make concrete plans. They say they want exclusivity but get cagey whenever you try to make the relationship “official.” Or, they claim to love you but consistently hurt you over and over again.

But this can be the other way around too. Your partner might struggle verbally expressing their emotions, so they show their love and affection in other ways. Maybe they wait on you hand and foot when you are sick or buy you a little present when they know you are having a bad day. These actions count too.

That said, words will never not be important. We all need to hear an “I love you” from our partner, even if they grapple with public displays of affection, and therefore need to express their love through acts of service or quality time.

If you find yourself repeating this phrase, consider why. Have you noticed a pattern that the person you’re talking to has not? Have they told you their partner consistently says one thing but does another? In these cases, delicately pointing out these discrepancies could be useful, but try to be specific and avoid clichés.

“Trust your gut.”

Every relationship is a learned lesson for your instincts. Think of your instincts—or your gut—as a personal memory box: it takes in your good and bad dating experiences and helps you identify what you do (and don't) like in relationships. As well as potential red flags or warning signs, the type of partner you desire, and your physical and emotional needs in a relationship. All of these things are what we call “gut” instincts.

Your “gut” might tell you to avoid conflict at all costs because—in former relationships—you were punished for disagreeing or fighting back. Your “gut” could suggest staying in a bad or unhealthy because you believe deep down that you are the problem and therefore you can or should fix things. All this to say, your “gut” might be unreliable because of past negative experiences or even trauma.

If you find yourself giving this advice, it might be helpful to ask questions instead. Learning more about this person's past experiences can lend insight into whether their “gut” is reliable. This way, you can help walk them through their feelings and provide informed support.

When to Listen to Relationship Advice

It can be hard to hear other people’s opinions about your relationship, especially if they disagree with you. But people outside of your relationship might be able to see things you cannot.

Other people’s relationship advice might be helpful if:

• You have asked them for advice
• You would like another perspective on a situation or problem
• You recognize that something is wrong but you can’t quite pinpoint it
• You are unsure if you are overreacting to something
• They themselves are in a happy and healthy relationship
• The person knows your partner better than you do

When Not to Listen to Relationship Advice

Unprompted or misinformed relationship advice is hardly ever helpful. The person might not understand the particular dynamics of your relationship or might not recognize that their advice is not wanted or needed. 

You don’t need to listen to intrusive advice—it only stresses you out and makes you feel insecure. 

Other people’s relationship advice might not be helpful if:

• You have not asked them for advice
• They do not have all the facts about a certain situation or problem
• You do not feel comfortable sharing or discussing the issue you are dealing with
• You and your partner both feel as though you are handling the situation to the best of your ability
• They themselves are in a bad or abusive relationship but don’t recognize it
• The person does not know you or your partner

Just because someone has an opinion about your relationship does not mean you need to hear or honor it. Ultimately, you and your partner are the experts in your own relationship—your feelings come first.

When to Act on Relationship Advice

It can be hard to determine when to act on relationship advice versus when a worry is just a worry and nothing more. 

If you feel someone has given you advice that is ringing true, it might be time to put their suggestion into practice. Perhaps they recognized a pattern in you or your partner’s relationship that you didn’t see until they mentioned it. Or, they provided insight into you or your partner's behavior because they took a step back and considered all the facts without getting emotional.

If someone has given you relationship advice that feels scary, consider why you feel that way. Are you scared because you think the advice could end the relationship or cause pain for you or your partner? Or are you afraid because the advice could open your eyes to something new or unfamiliar in your relationship? Something that will require more effort than you are currently giving, hmm?

Ultimately, whatever you decide to do in your relationship is between you and your partner, but well-intentioned and well-informed advice can sometimes be helpful.

Final Thoughts

Relationship advice can be tricky. While usually well-meaning, it can be based on a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of your relationship and its problems. On the other hand, some relationship advice can be insightful and even very helpful. It’s up to you and your partner whether or not to take someone else’s advice on board, especially if that advice is an age-old cliché.