Could The Three-Month Dating Rule Help You Find Lasting Love?

So you recently started dating someone and it's going really well. You've been hanging out for about a month now and things feel like they're heading in the direction of a relationship, but how do you know when you're ready to take that next step?

This is an age-old question with an answer that is entirely dependent on the circumstance, however, the "three-month dating rule" would tell you to wait a little longer.

Enter: The three-month rule. This guidance in dating has risen in popularity over the last couple of years, especially on TikTok and other social media platforms. But how much actual logic or benefit is there to this assertion?

What the three-month rule entails can differ slightly from couple to couple, but as a general rule, it says new couples should take the first 3 months as a trial period, without making any big commitments during that time frame.

So, is the three-month rule something that’s right for you? Here, we’ll look at the benefits and drawbacks of the rule, and how it might work in practice. 

What is the Three-Month Rule?

The three-month dating rule basically insists that 3 months is the ideal amount of time for you to get a genuine idea or full picture of the person you’re dating. The goal is to help you weed out people who might be love-bombing, or secretly toxic, or just putting on a good face in the early phases of dating when, in actuality, they aren't so great.

So, you may want to hold off on making things official, for example, for the first three months of dating. Some people may want to go further, and hold off on physical intimacy, or kissing, for the first three months—there’s no hard and fast definition of the three-month rule. 

The three-month rule has gained traction on social media, particularly on TikTok, with users saying that it’s when the infatuation, or honeymoon, stage often ends. It’s when you’ll see who your partner really is, and you’ll be able to truly figure out how compatible you are. 

After this time, the rush of exciting dates can die off, being replaced with a return to everyday monotony. As a result, some people can leave relationships at this point to chase their next high. 

“The early stages of dating can be pretty intense, filled with fireworks and newness,” explains Adrianna Holness, PhD, a psychologist specializing in dating therapy. “But, during these early months, people might not fully reveal their true selves, and their judgment could be clouded by strong emotions. The three-month rule suggests waiting it out to see if things fizzle or if there's something real there. It's about getting to know the not-so-shiny parts of someone before getting too attached.”

It’s worth looking at constraint commitments here. These are forces that can keep a couple together even if one (or both) of them would prefer to leave the relationship. There are perceived constraints, such as social pressure to stay together or the difficulties of ending the relationship, material constraints, like having a pet or renting a place together, and felt constraints, like feeling trapped.

After just three months, you aren’t likely to have so many constraints yet. Therefore, leaving at the three-month point can be easier. 

We don’t know exactly where the rule came from. However, in an opinion piece from 2010, the writer Ami Angelowicz said that it takes “at least three months” before you can be invested in the long-term potential of a relationship.

Pros and Cons of This Rule

When we enter into a new relationship, or begin dating someone new, and enter the honeymoon phase, we can often gloss over any potential negatives, only focusing on the good. This can make things more difficult later on, when the honeymoon period wears off and we start to focus more on the bad. 

Take, for example, if someone is untidy. Initially, you might gloss over their untidyness, even if you like to keep things tidy yourself. However, a few months down the line, their untidyness might start to really annoy you, and even deter you from wanting to move in with them. 

And, the rule allows you to slow down the dating experience, something that can really benefit you and your partner in the long run. Often, we can keep looking for the next best thing – slowing dating down, and really getting to know one another, can change our mindset.

One drawback, however, is that you might spend longer in the relationship than you intend to. Say you aren’t sure how you feel, but you’re planning on sticking it out until three months anyway. Even if you decide to end it, you might still have developed feelings over that time, making the experience of ending the relationship more raw. 

And, the rule might encourage some people to stay in relationships for longer than they would otherwise. You don’t have to stay in a relationship you aren’t enjoying just because you like the sound of the three-month rule – you’re allowed to leave a relationship whenever you like. 

The three-month rule can be great, but you don’t have to stick to it hard and fast.

The Three-Month Dating Rule in Practice

It’s important to remember that there are different variations of the rule, with no single right way to follow it. Some people don’t mind giving their relationship a label before three months, but others won’t make it official until after three months.

For some people, holding off on having sex until after three months might feel right. For others, physical intimacy can occur earlier.

Some Possible Scenarios

Perhaps you’ve hit three months and then the person you’re dating breaks things off. It’s only natural to feel sad or disappointed, but it’s worth remembering that they’re doing you a favor by being clear and giving you the opportunity to move on. 

If you’re getting to the three-month mark and it’s you who’s losing feelings, it’s best to be honest and upfront about it so the person you’re dating is aware of how you feel. It’ll improve the chances of you both being able to part ways amicably, and give them the chance to get back into the dating game. 

Maybe you’re approaching three months and you’ve noticed something changing, like your partner taking longer to respond to messages. In this sort of situation, communication is key. Your partner might be losing feelings, but at the same time, they may be dealing with anything from work stress to health worries to family issues.

If you’ve hit the three-month stage and things seem to be going well—ie you’re happy and you’ve not noticed any changes in your partner’s vibe—it’s fine to keep things going as they are! Even if you aren’t totally sure whether they’re perfect for you, there’s no harm in waiting until you’re six months in, for example. Just make sure you're both on the same page so you don't end up trapped in an endless situationship.

Is It Effective?

Particularly if you have a tendency to rush into relationships, you might find the three-month rule effective, and useful for you. But, at the same time, it’s not necessarily for everyone. There are couples who make things official straight away and move in together and get married all in the space of a couple of years, and are deeply in love. Everyone moves at a different pace, so while the three-month rule will work for some, others might find it too slow or even too fast. 

And, people who are dealing with other things may not be ready to commit to someone after three months. Whether they’re dealing with stress in other aspects of their life, past traumas, or just changes in their personal circumstances, they might find that three months isn’t sufficient. 

What if one of you wants to follow the rule, while another doesn’t? For Lily Womble, a feminist dating coach, the Founder and CEO of Date Brazen and author of the book Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love, communication is key. “Asking for what you want means you're more likely to find it and receive it,” she says.

“If you want to move slower in a new relationship and the other person doesn't, it might not be the right fit. In that case, it might be time for what I call a "Bless and Release." This is a moment for radically honest and kind communication. Express what you want and expect the other person to have a healthy conversation about it. You can't say the wrong thing to the right person.”

Alternatives to the Three-Month Rule

The three-month rule may not be right for everyone. One study from 2010 found that dedication, as well as material and perceived constraints, positively predict relationship longevity, while felt constraints negatively predict it.

Better yet, you could simply do away with these sorts of rules, and take things as they come from relationship to relationship. You might date someone and still have reservations after the three-month mark, and then date somebody else and feel ready to commit after just one month.

It can be useful to use the three-month rule as more of a rough guide, instead. Maybe you don’t want to stick to the rule to the point where you suppress your feelings. Be flexible, and pay attention to your gut. 

“Instead of a strict timeline, focus on open communication and getting to know each other's values, goals, and communication styles,” says Dr. Holness. “Pay attention to how someone treats you and if your needs are being met. Seek advice from a relationship counselor or therapist to navigate the early stages of the relationship with a clear and healthy mindset.”

Womble says, “Taking unhurried time on dates with someone to determine whether or not you want to commit long term is a good practice, however, I think a three-month rule is arbitrary and not absolutely necessary to finding and being in the right relationship.”

As Dr. Holness sums up, “The three-month dating rule can be a helpful guideline for some, providing time to gain clarity and build a strong foundation. But, it’s important to remember that every relationship is unique. Flexibility, open communication, and understanding your own needs and those of your partner are key to determining what works best for your relationship. Whether you follow the three-month rule or another approach, the goal is to foster a healthy, supportive, and fulfilling relationship."