Why it May Be Worth Dating Someone Who Isn't Your "Type"

There's no denying we all have a romantic "type" in some way or another. There are all sorts of physical traits, values, or behaviors that might make someone more or less attractive to us. We might love broad shoulders, a low-pitched laugh, quick wit, over 6 feet tall, a person who texts good morning daily, a leftist political stance...the list goes on.

Contra-dating is a new term used to describe dating people who are different from who you normally go for. Even though it's totally natural to have a type, that doesn't mean we always choose the right partner for us using this lens. Having a type can seriously limit us to only getting together with certain people, and it can mean discarding others who may have a lot to offer us and who may actually be ideal partners for us.

Luckily, if you're someone who gets hung up on only dating people who are your type, there are ways to help yourself ease up on judging others too quickly—and maybe even find lasting love with someone you never would've expected.

Why We're Attracted to a Certain Type

The type of person we find ourselves attracted to can encompass every part of a human: You might be drawn to a certain height, a particular physique, a personality trait, or even an attitude. "Personal relationships are incredibly complex and multifaceted,' says Tanya Dmitrieva, certified sex therapist & co-founder of the wellness platform Deep.

She explains that "a relationship includes emotional connections, comfort levels, and the ability to communicate and share thoughts and feelings," and notes that "a personal relationship involves physical attraction, the desire to touch or be touched, hug or be hugged, and even sexual tension."

She gives the example of "situationships." "Imagine we meet someone with whom we are emotionally and sexually comfortable but lack a more profound connection, and it can be categorized as a situationship rather than a relationship," she says. "A lack of commitment, emotional depth, and long-term potential often characterizes situationships."

Additionally, our attachment style can majorly impact who we find ourselves attracted to. Dmitrieva says that we all have an attachment style, and that "while some attachment styles are healthy, others can be harmful, such as anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant classifications."

She says our attachment style can lead to us being attracted to people based on how they make us feel, and that we often unconsciously choose people based on how our parents behaved.

Dating the Same Kind of Person Has Its Downsides

It's hardly surprising that keeping ourselves closed off from anyone who isn't our type can be limiting and can lead us to disregard people with whom we might actually have an excellent connection.

Dmitrieva says, "It is beautiful to choose partners based on personal characteristics and traits," and that "the real issue is why some people choose toxic partners with unhealthy attachment styles and start relationships with them. This pattern can limit our ability to have healthy relationships."

If you've found yourself choosing emotionally unhealthy partners, that pattern can't change until you learn how to change your type. "Choosing toxic partners repeatedly essentially means rejecting the option of having healthy relationships, which can be challenging to establish," explains Dmitrieva.

She says that "it could become an endless cycle with a pairing of two unhealthy attachment styles," and that "while therapy can help identify the root of the problem and assist in building a healthy relationship, it is impossible to establish a healthy relationship if both partners have unhealthy attachment styles."

if you're choosing partners based on only physical attributes, that can also be extremely limiting. In closing yourself off from anyone who doesn't possess those physical traits, you might be missing someone who would be a much deeper connection for you emotionally.

Reasons to Cast a Wider Net

As you may expect, there are a ton of reasons why you should try dating outside of your usual type.

Not only can dating someone who isn't your usual type improve your chances of finding a partner—because you'll have more people to choose from—it can also lead to a more fulfilling and emotionally healthy relationship.

Initial Attractions Doesn't Always Equal Compatibility

Dmitrieva reminds us that initial attraction doesn't ensure long-term compatibility.

Additionally, she explains that "intense attraction can cloud our judgment and make us feel more similar to someone we are attracted to than we are," and says that "a study found that while similarity in traits predicted attraction, perceived similarity was more critical than actual similarity in the initial stages."

It allows you to incorporate mindfulness into your dating life

If you decide you want to try dating outside of your type you can kickstart the process by becoming more open-minded. Take note of who you're usually attracted to, and of how they make you feel. If you're unsure about your own patterns, it can be helpful to ask your friends what themes they have noticed in those you've dated.

We all have traits we enjoy in others, and we can't always change those preferences even if we want to. Fortunately, we can absolutely take note of them and try to de-prioritize them for the sake of finding a deeper connection.

For example, my own girlfriend is the first fellow Jewish person I've ever been with; my complicated relationship with my religion had made me unconsciously averse to dating other Jewish women. When I moved past that, I discovered that sharing a cultural background creates a sense of shared experience that is both beautiful and comforting. That's because the less we limit ourselves, the better our chances of finding what's right for us.

No pressure, but therapy could help

In order to help change your type or broaden your horizons, Dmitrieva recommends working with a therapist in order to first heal yourself from your past. She suggests we "focus on self-improvement, including working on your emotions and feelings and practicing mindfulness." She recommends journaling and suggests we keep track of our emotions, state of mind, meditation, and other practices.

Working with a therapist to change our behavioral patterns can lead us to make different, and better, choices in life. Dmitrieva says that by doing this, we can actually change who we are attracted to. "People who were previously not your type (such as those with healthy attachment styles) may become attractive to you," she says.