Hinge's Director of Relationship Science Says, Put Your Phone Away. Seriously.

Our attention spans are garbage these days. We know this. But losing focus when we're trying to fall in love? I honestly didn't think we'd end up here.

Attention and focus—or lack thereof—are two of the most popular topics in the current mental health conversation, and for good reason. In an age where endless content materializes at our fingertips and stimulating experiences proliferate, our brains can easily lose track of intended priorities. Usually, this is the fault of our devices. Distraction permeates all aspects of our daily existence, from our work to our hobbies to our home lives.

More recently the ubiquity of distractability has even pooled over into our dating lives—a sacred sect of human experience that personally, I thought would linger forever in the land of hyper-focus and intentionality because duh, don’t you want to pay attention to your date so they think you’re into them? 

Apparently, my confidence is misguided. According to recent data from the dating app Hinge, a third of Gen Z daters are feeling distracted on dates because they just can't seem to stop looking at their dang phones.

Plus, 3 out of 4 admit that being on their phone prevents good conversation and makes them more hesitant to open up on a date—so clearly the phones aren’t doing anyone any favors. And it’s ironic, right? You’ve finally managed to transition from the app to an in-person date, and you still can’t seem to put the phone away. 

Enter the research team at Hinge who put together a thorough, insightful ‘Distraction-Free Dating Guide.’ It’s full of tips on how to minimize distractions on dates and includes lots of clever, playful ideas on how to increase your chances of connecting with your match in more genuine ways.

For some people (myself included) the notion of needing a “guide” for how to be more present on dates might feel a little silly. But the data doesn’t lie, and we all have lots to learn about how to improve our interactions with potential partners. So, I can’t recommend it enough. 

With all that in mind, I sat down with Logan Ury, a behavioral scientist and the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge to discuss the new guide and pick her brain on all things distracted dating. I considered writing this article with a whole lot of overthought analysis but decided instead to just let you read our conversation. I think it's pretty eye-opening.

This interview has been edited for clarity and concision. 

We crave quality time but we can't unplug

VERYWELL MIND: Thanks for taking the time to chat with me! I feel like this is an important but under-discussed subject because even though distraction and issues with the attention economy are such cultural phenomena right now, we aren’t talking about them enough in the context of dating and relationships.

We tend to assume that when we’re in the throes of that ‘new crush feeling’ we’d be giving our love interest our undivided attention, but I guess that isn’t the case. 

So, to start us off, I’m really curious about what prompted your realization that this was a big enough issue to create a guide on solving this issue of distraction. Is it showing up on people’s profiles? What does the data say? Tell me everything. 

LOGAN: Hey, yes I appreciate the thoughtful preamble! So as you probably know, the Surgeon General identified loneliness as a major public health concern and a big part of it was the assertion that people really need to have in-person quality time to feel connected. 

At Hinge, we're constantly doing research to understand how we can help people find love and how can we help people get off the app and onto great dates. We may be an app, but our biggest goal is to create opportunities for more in-person connections. 

What we've learned is that phones really are getting in the way of this but we obviously want people to have great dates and cultivate great relationships so we’ve got to figure out how to help people get their phones out of the way.

85% of Gen-Z daters believe that quality time is the best way to get to know a potential partner, but they're struggling to focus their attention. It feels like there's this clear disconnect: they’re thinking, I want to connect with you and I believe quality time is the way to do that and I'm looking for love, but my phone habits and addictions are making it harder for me.

Thus, we came up with this distraction-free dating guide. It has a ton of ideas for dates that help you connect and stay off your phone. Plus there are tips on what you can do in advance so that during the date you're not multitasking and a lot of reminders for how to stay intentional. Everyone wants to connect but we’re having a super hard time because of our technology.

Our phones are our security blankets

VERYWELL MIND: Yeah, I love the way you guys structured it with having specific activities instead of just going out for drinks.

We used to do a lot more of that during the pandemic—socially distanced walks and outdoor things—but then when it was safe again we went back to these intense face-to-face dates, which I think people are struggling with.

For young people, their phones are almost like an additional limb. These devices are woven into their existence, especially socially. I also think people rely on their phones as a defense mechanism, because there’s so much vulnerability inherent in these intimate interactions and we can’t handle those moments of tension.

Such a big part of our lives exists in the digital realm and we are fooled into thinking that we’re making genuine connections online when it’s just not the same as real life. You can prepare or curate everything in the digital world, but on an in-person date, you need to be prepared to go with the flow and navigate the vibes as they come. 

LOGAN: For sure, I completely agree with all that and it's in line with our observations as well. We've been doing a ton of research about Gen Z dating. And absolutely, we found that a lot of them have a fear of rejection, which makes them less candid on their dates or in their communication.

And so if you think about a phone almost as like a security blanket, well, when you feel awkward you’re going to reach for your phone. There are a lot of moments of awkwardness and discomfort on a first date, it’s expected. For a lot of people now but especially Gen Z…the phone is what you would rely on to soothe you. 

But I also want to say that I don’t think it’s just Gen Z who is struggling with this, I feel like I go to restaurants and the people who are on their phones the most during meals seem to be Gen X or Boomers.

It’s just people in general who are having an impossible time putting their phones away. It’s Gen Z who is telling us that this is a problem in the most direct way, but people have had smartphones for fifteen years now and we’re all asking ourselves, how do I communicate with people in a meaningful way while having this beeping, vibrating toy in my pocket?

VERYWELL MIND: Absolutely, I shouldn’t just think of it as a Gen Z problem, we’ve all developed a total dependency on our devices. I mean we all know it's a problem, but it's so hard to do the work of actually changing our behavior.

Ok so changing gears a bit, I know you’re a relationship coach as well, I’d love to know some of your favorite pieces of advice that you’d give to distracted daters in this day and age.

Your phone is a distraction, even if it's face down on the table

LOGAN: Definitely! So some of this is in the guide, but I think just understanding that even having your phone out can be distracting, even if it's face down. And there's research from Sherry Turkle from MIT where she talks about it in the context of conversations, even where somebody's phone is off, the presence of a phone can make the conversation more shallow. 

What happens is people think, “Well I'm not going to get into a super deep conversation with you and reveal all these things because at any moment, you could go to your phone, and then I'll feel kind of exposed or dismissed.” 

So just actually putting your phone away is a great visual cue that you're with that person and you're giving them your full attention. If somebody is on their phone during a date, there are some playful ways that you can encourage them to put it away.

For instance, you could say something like “Hey, I've been trying phone-free dates lately, and I'm finding it really fun. Do you want to do a challenge where the first person that reaches for their phone has to buy the next round?”

When you do this you're not being a disciplinarian, but you're sort of saying this is a norm that I would like to set, do you want to engage in this with me? And not only is it a fun thing to play around with on your date, but it can also be a good chance to learn something about them, like can they go with the flow? Can they can they be playful? Can they be spontaneous?

We've got to stop talking to so many people at once

Another piece of advice more generally is even before the date, try not to talk to too many people at the same time on an app, even though it’s really easy to do.

In the context of Hinge, I recommend messaging a few people, get into some conversations, see who has potential, go on those couple of dates and then start the cycle over again—instead of matching with so many people and trying to go on so many dates at the same time.

It’s actually pretty hard for your brain to process all of that and compare the experience. How can you even remember each date? You’re asking yourself things like: Did I already say this to you? Because I couldn't remember if I sent it to them or the other person I'd been on date with at the same bar that week. It really isn’t a good way to give people your attention or to be present. 

You have to ask yourself, How can I slow down and go through potential partners at a slower rate so I’m giving each one a chance? 

VERYWELL MIND: This all resonates a lot, and I think anyone who refuses to put their phone away on a date when you respectfully ask them to just isn’t worth your time. Everything you said about slowing your roll and only dating a couple of people at a time seems so obvious but it’s not the way most people are behaviorally inclined.

It made me think about this trend called ‘date stacking’ where you plan three or four back-to-back dates just to sort of knock ‘em out and see who you vibe with, which I guess has the benefit of convincing yourself you aren’t wasting a whole evening on someone you don’t click with, but it’s also not giving any single person a real shot.

Not to mention if you’re constantly thinking about the person who is next up on the docket you’re probably going to want to look down at your phone to see if they’ve texted you. It just totally dilutes the experience of each individual interaction. 

Give your dates room to be great

LOGAN: Yeah, I think that's spot on. And so in my book, I talk about this client that I worked with, let’s call him Jonathan, and he was this CEO, very busy, and he would plan dates for like 7 a.m. before a board meeting. And then he’d tell me, “Oh, I met this guy, and I didn't feel the spark” and I’d say of course you didn't feel a spark! Nobody feels romantic or flirtatious at 7 a.m. before you’ve had coffee or before you have a big meeting.

He was acting like dates were something that you just schedule on your to-do list like picking up laundry or going to the gym. I told him he wasn’t giving the date any space for it to be playful, for him to connect and have a good time.

He was just assuming, Well, if the right person walks in the door we'll both know it and then we'll see each other again. I told him he was probably meeting a lot of guys he could be in a relationship with, but because of the way he was dating, nothing was turning into a second date. 

So I gave him some rules for how to have good dates and one of them was not to have a clear cut-off time. Like, go to that restaurant and if you have fun then go for a walk afterward, go to another bar.

And that’s also a big thing in behavioral science: environment matters. You’re going to make different decisions in different circumstances. Going on a date at 7 a.m. isn’t a recipe for success; you need to be in the right circumstances to be mentally present and focused on the experience.

Find a romantic setting. You could even try sitting next to your date so it takes the pressure off eye contact  You can even try things and you can have some physical touch, but then it's also things like not going on too many dates at the same time.

If you don’t want to be distracted, you need to give your dates breathing room. It’s not predetermined whether or not you and your date will get along, it’s about how you show up to the game. 

VERYWELL MIND: I love that notion of connection not being predetermined, there are so many ways we inadvertently self-sabotage ourselves and our potential with people.

Alright so here’s my last question for you. There’s so much negativity these days around dating, like people just seem to be kind of fed up with a lot of the experience but I don’t think that’s the full story. I’m really curious about any data or what you or your team at Hinge have learned recently that makes you feel more optimistic about love in 2023? 

Vulnerability and authenticity really do matter

LOGAN: Yeah! So related to what I talked about at the beginning, there is a feeling from Gen Z that they are very addicted to their phones and it's getting in the way but there's also 80% of them that would prefer phone-away dates—so there’s a real desire for these deeper connections that are not interrupted by technology.

They may need a little push to make it the norm, but they are fully aware that they are addicted to their phones and want to make a change. That to me is really positive, the acknowledgment and desire to improve. 

Another one is related to research that we did at Hinge on emotional vulnerability. We asked people, What matters most to you? And over half of them, or 61%, said emotional vulnerability is more important to me in a partner than attractiveness, income, or height. I thought this was surprising.

66% of them said that they're more likely to go on a second date with someone who shows emotional vulnerability on a first date. And so I think there really is a desire to have these dates that are more authentic. And it's kind of similar to the distraction-free dating one where they know that vulnerability is preferred.

That's something that I would really want to normalize—you can be honest on a first date.

VERYWELL MIND: One of the tips that I liked the most from your guide was to “share stories, not facts” it’s so simple and straightforward but so often we come to a date thinking we are going to have to answer this big set of interview questions, but the best way information is revealed is through storytelling. 

LOGAN: Yes that’s exactly right, and when I work with people in a one-on-one coaching capacity, I might do like a role-playing exercise and I'll say, Tell me. Do you have any siblings? Then, their fact would be that they have a brother who lives across the country.

A story would be: Well, my brother lives across the country and just had a kid and I don't feel that connected to him and his family. You're really going into the emotions behind it. It allows for continued conversation as well.

Three Days of Texting Before a Date Is Ideal

And then the last thing that keeps me optimistic, a lot of people complain about early relationships being stuck in the phone phase. This is when they’re constantly in communication with somebody before a first date, and then by the time they get on the date, they're disappointed because they don’t have the same chemistry in person or they aren’t as attracted to the person as they thought they’d be.

At Hinge, we really encourage people to move from chatting to the date as soon as possible. In our research, we found that around three days of chatting is the sweet spot where you can say to someone: Hey, let's transition to talking on the phone or let's meet up in person to start scheduling that date. 

VERYWELL MIND: Wow! Yes, the idea of there being a three-day sweet spot is really interesting, because I’ve definitely had that experience of talking to someone for several weeks or a month and then meeting and not feeling the connection I’d hoped for.

But also sometimes people want to meet up that same night of matching and I think textual compatibility is real, so it helps to know there’s a research-backed timeline of when to take it offline. 

Thanks so much for this terrific conversation, Logan! This was so informative and I hope people read the guide and find a little more focus in their in-person dating experiences. 

LOGAN: Of course! I’m happy to chat anytime—and I hope they do too.