*This* Is When Emotional Monitoring Becomes Toxic

We've all been there—second-guessing ourselves after a conversation, overanalyzing our partner's mood, or tiptoeing around what we think might upset them. We call it being considerate, but is it? The truth is, it’s probably emotional monitoring. And if you don't know what that is, we’ve got you!

Constantly reading into every little sigh or facial expression, wondering if our partner is upset and what we can do to “fix” it. This behavior can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, says Emily Mashburn, LMHC, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor. It can be as harmful to us as it is to our relationships.

If you're ready to break this unhealthy habit but don't know how, read on. Below, we explore what emotional monitoring looks like, why we do it, the impact it has, and the tools you need to stop it.

Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Monitoring

Emotional monitoring can sneak into your relationship without you even realizing it. It often starts out subtle at first and builds up over time. Some of the telltale signs to look out for include:

• Trying to predict emotions: You attempt to predict how your partner is feeling by constantly reading into their words, gestures, facial expressions, and body language, explains Mashburn. You tend to overanalyze every sigh or change in tone, wondering if you’ve done something wrong.
• Constantly checking in: Frequently asking your partner how they’re feeling is another sign of emotional monitoring. For example, someone who is constantly asking, “Are you mad at me?” is someone who is likely emotionally monitoring behind the scenes, says Mashburn.
• Scanning for negative moods: You’re always on the lookout for signs that your partner is unhappy, angry, or upset so that you can try to fix the problem, Dr. Daramus explains.
• Replaying conversations: After every conversation or interaction, you replay it in your head, trying to figure out whether your partner is upset, even if there’s no explicit sign of it. You overthink every word or action, wondering if anything you said or did might have triggered a negative response.
• Walking on eggshells: You're always tiptoeing around your partner’s emotions, avoiding certain topics or being cautious with your words to keep the peace and avoid upsetting them.
• Apologizing unnecessarily: You often apologize for things that aren’t your fault or things that didn’t actually upset your partner.
• Taking responsibility for their emotions: You often feel like it’s your job to make sure your partner is happy or calm, and you take it personally if they’re upset or stressed.
• Avoiding honest conversations: You hold back your true feelings or opinions to avoid causing problems. This often builds up into feelings of frustration and disconnection from your partner.

The Psychology Behind Emotional Monitoring

So, why do some people emotionally monitor their partner and friends?

According to Dr. Daramus, emotional monitoring is usually found in people who have been gaslighted or traumatized, which can turn them into people pleasers as a result. “Chances are, they have had bad experiences with other people's difficult emotions in the past and are trying to protect themselves.”

As a result, she explains that the pleaser carefully monitors their partner’s reactions, trying to fix problems by getting them what they want, attempting to calm them down, or soothing them with food or drink. “Anything to make the ‘bad’ emotion go away, whether it is anger, sadness, or fear,” says Dr. Daramus.

Mashbrun observes that this pattern often starts in childhood and persists into adulthood. It tends to be more prevalent among people with anxious attachment styles who tend to fear rejection or abandonment.

Understanding the Impact of Emotional Monitoring

While emotional monitoring is intended to help keep the peace, the irony is that it often does quite the opposite. It can take a toll on you, your partner, and the relationship.

Some of the potential effects of this behavior include:

• ​​Hypervigilance: When you're emotional monitoring, your brain and body are hyperalert, says Dr. Daramus. “You sense a threat whether there is one or not. It might be the threat of criticism, the fear of losing your partner, or of not being good enough.”
• Emotional exhaustion: Emotional monitoring can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, says Mashburn. Constantly monitoring a partner’s emotions means you’re always stressed and on edge, which can lead to burnout.
• Loss of authenticity: When we focus too much on managing someone else's emotions, we often neglect our own. This leads to a loss of authenticity, as you may suppress your own thoughts, needs, or feelings to avoid upsetting your partner, sacrificing who you really are.
• Increased anxiety and insecurity: Emotional monitoring can increase anxiety because you're always second-guessing yourself. You’re constantly worrying about how your partner feels or how your actions are perceived. This can breed insecurity, making you doubt your place in the relationship.
• Emotional suppression: The constant effort to control your emotions can lead to them being bottled up. Healthy relationships are built on open communication, where both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves. Emotional monitoring can stifle these honest conversations, creating distance instead of closeness.
• Resentment: Over time, the suppression of emotions can lead to feelings of resentment and bitterness, which can erode trust and happiness in the relationship.
• One-sidedness: You're so busy meeting other people's emotional needs that you probably don't have a lot of people in your life who are meeting your own, says Dr. Daramus. “Emotional monitoring creates a situation where people often have the opportunity to take from you in some way, but you rarely have anyone who gives to you or restores emotional energy to you.”

Strategies for Breaking the Pattern of Emotional Monitoring

Although it may be challenging, it’s important to break the pattern of emotional monitoring so you can cultivate healthier relationships. Here are some strategies that may be able to help:

• Recognize the behavior: The first step is recognizing that you’re engaging in emotional monitoring. Reflect on moments when you’ve felt overly responsible for your partner’s feelings or caught yourself tiptoeing around their emotions.
• Challenge your assumptions: Emotional monitoring often comes from a place of fear or insecurity. Challenge your assumptions about what your partner might be thinking or feeling. Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask yourself if there’s real evidence to support those worries, or if it’s just anxiety talking.
• Communicate openly: Honest communication is key to overcoming emotional monitoring. Instead of guessing or analyzing your partner’s emotions, ask them how they feel. It’s important to cultivate a dynamic where both of you discuss issues openly, truthfully, and directly instead of playing guessing games.
• Separate your emotions: Understand that you are responsible for your own emotions, and your partner is responsible for theirs. Try to learn to tolerate their uncomfortable emotions without trying to fix them, says Dr. Daramus. For instance, she suggests leaving an uncomfortable situation instead of taking responsibility for what isn't your fault.
• Express your feelings: Practice expressing your emotions honestly and assertively, without fear of judgment or rejection. You can start with the small things and gradually work your way up to bigger issues.
• Assert your own needs: It’s important to identify your own needs in a specific situation and assert yourself instead of always working around your partner’s needs, says Dr. Daramus. “Do you need rest? Affection? Quiet time? Try to get your needs met, just a little at first if it's scary.”
• Work on your self-confidence: Work on building your self-esteem and emotional independence. The more secure you feel in yourself, the less likely you are to feel the need to monitor someone else’s emotional state for reassurance.
• Seek help: If emotional monitoring is taking a toll on you or you’re finding it difficult to break the habit on your own, seeking therapy or couples counseling can help. A therapist can help you identify the root causes of this behavior and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
  

Takeaways

Emotional monitoring, while often unintentional, can lead to toxic relationship dynamics. Letting go of this behavior is crucial for building healthier, more balanced relationships. While it may feel like you're protecting the relationship by constantly trying to guess your partner’s emotions and manage them, this behavior ultimately creates resentment, anxiety, and imbalance.

By stepping back and separating your emotions from your partners’, you create space for genuine connection, mutual respect, and healthier communication. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but breaking this habit can strengthen your relationship and allow you to truly be yourself without walking on eggshells.