The Dating Advice We Wish We Had in College

One of the most exciting (and stressful!) parts of being a college student is balancing school and social life on your own for the first time. The unique freedom of college can’t be replicated when living with your parents, which makes it a perfect time for many people to experiment. Some people try new substances or dress differently, while others take the opportunity to find themselves through romantic and sexual relationships. 

Many believe romantic opportunities on college campuses have disappeared with the prevalence of hookup culture, but that doesn’t mean college students don’t want to find relationships! In a study analyzing 22 college campuses across the US between 2005 and 2011, nearly the same number of students reported engaging in hookup culture and going on a date (62% and 61%, respectively). Only 8% of students reported engaging in hookup culture without going on a date or being in a long-term relationship, while 26.5% of students said they had not engaged in hookup culture but had been on a date or been in a long-term relationship. 

Clearly, college students aren’t putting all their focus on casual sex in the ways they are typically portrayed as doing, but there are a lot of layers to the romantic experience on college campuses that are worth unpacking. Keep reading for a guide to college romance; whether that means hook-ups, long-distance, or just finding a spark. 

What Makes Dating in College Unique?

Most people come to college after years in a smaller school environment where they have been with the same people for a long time, so the opportunity to meet new people can be exciting.

Danielle*, a junior in college, says this constant ability to meet new people makes dating in college unique. “Even if it's not anything serious, you have the opportunity to get to meet and learn about a lot of new people,” she says. “The pool of people is just so much bigger. It takes the pressure off a little bit because there are always people that you've never met before.”

Dr. Akeem Marsh, a professor of psychiatry at NYU, says a major difference between relationships in college versus later in life is that students come into college with more varied expectations for relationships.

“If individuals seeking relationships at later stages in life are more evenly matched at level of development, expectations tend to be more evenly matched,” Dr. Marsh says. In college, expectations are less likely to be evenly matched, and many interactions reflect that. This often leads to hurt feelings and confusion.

This should be taken into account, especially given how easy it can be to rush into relationships in college with the excitement of new freedom and connection.“Relationships move faster in college because you can spend so much more time together than in high school,” says Claire, who has experienced long-term relationships in both high school and college. She says the lack of boundaries afforded by college schedules and living arrangements allows couples to spend more time together more quickly, making it easy to rush into things.

Hookup Culture

The newfound freedom of college students has many people, including college students, expecting campuses to be flooded with partying, substance-use, and sex—things that lend themselves to hookup culture. And while this behavior can definitely be found on college campuses, not everyone is in pursuit of this stereotypical college lifestyle.

Some students come in with the expectation that hookup culture is much more widespread than it actually is, which in turn alters expectations and behaviors leading to, more often than not, a bad experience with their sexuality.

— DR. AKEEM MARSH

The expectations of hookup culture can lead to problematic behaviors in relationships, like expectations of sex and non-exclusivity, which can be hard to break.

The expectation of hookup culture in college can also make people who are in relationships feel judged. Katie is in a long-distance relationship with her partner of almost a year, and she says people often look down on her or say she is doing something wrong for staying in the relationship, thinking she should be single in college instead.

However, Katie has realized “it’s important to stay true to you and be honest with yourself. And if you're happy in a relationship, you can still be very fulfilled with your college experience.”

The prevalence of hookup culture can also make it difficult for some students to find meaningful, serious relationships in the first place. “There is this tendency for people to not want to put a label on things because that might make it seem so serious or put too much pressure on a relationship. There's not really any in between,” Danielle says. 

Overall, it’s best to participate in hookup culture in whatever way makes you most comfortable. Brigham says hookup culture can provide people an outlet to explore their developing sexuality in a lower pressure environment, but if it makes you uncomfortable that is okay too.

“Do what you want and participate as you would like because people are going to be judgmental no matter what,” Claire says. “You should do what makes you happiest, and it works for some people and it doesn't work for others.” 

Tips for Creating and Sustaining Relationships in College

With the whirlwind of being a college student, it can be hard to find time to focus on building healthy relationships. Here are some tips to make it work

Put Yourself Out There

While college may provide you with constant opportunities to meet new people, connections don’t form overnight. “In order to make things happen or to seek out relationships you need to be willing to put yourself out there a little bit more to either stand out or take initiative with people,” Danielle says. 

This can be hard, so try to be open to meeting new people and say yes to new opportunities, even as you get more comfortable on campus. Simply doing things you enjoy will make it easier to search for like minded people. For example, you can join a new club, or partner with someone new in your favorite class—you never know when you will hit it off with someone.

Establish Priorities

Prioritizing time with the people you care about is an important part of maintaining relationships, whether they be platonic or romantic.

For Gail, this looks like blocking out time for both her partner and her friends. Nick agrees, saying “just making it a priority to hang out is a really big deal because it's really easy to just get lost in the different work you have to do.”

Priorities can also go beyond relationships. 

Communication

Communication is the bedrock of a healthy relationship, especially in college where things are changing each day. “Be honest and open from the beginning,” Dr. Marsh says. “Regular communication is key.”

Nick says technology makes this easier. “If you're communicating with your partner for the majority of the day, it almost feels like you're with them,” he says. On days when he and his partner don’t have the time to see each other, he says texting keeps them connected. 

Gail has learned that, as you, your partner, and the people around you navigate this confusing stage of life, it is important to always check in with your partner. “Make sure you both are comfortable, you're reaching out if you need help, and you're not keeping anything inside,” she says. 

Communication is also hugely important for long-distance relationships. Katie says she and her partner try to talk every day. She says it is integral for them to be kept in the loop on each other’s lives and how they are feeling, even if they are not physically experiencing these things together.

Remember That You Have Time

While some people form lifelong connections while in college, most people don’t. And that is okay and normal. The most important thing about this time of your life is focusing on growing as an individual, and sometimes another person can complicate that.

*Names of some sources have been altered for the sake of personal privacy.