4 Things You Need to Know Before Cutting Ties With Your Family

Family dynamics can be complicated at best. So complicated that we might want to cut our losses and go no contact. You're certainly not alone if you feel this way. In fact, a growing number of us are becoming estranged from our biological family. Some say it's because of past trauma and political differences, others cite differing parenting styles and emotional distance. Perhaps, a combination of both.

Ultimately, why we choose to distance ourselves from our families is complex and personal. As a society, we tend to moralize this choice—as if you’re inherently a bad person for separating yourself from a harmful situation. As if it’s automatically bad to keep yourself safe. But choosing to become estranged is a decision many don't take lightly.

Below, we look at some common reasons for estrangement and how you can navigate the process.

Causes of Estrangement

Why a person may choose to pursue estrangement varies. In any relationship, we exist on a spectrum from high contact to low contact to no contact. Decreasing your level of contact is a choice dependent on many factors, such as:

• Toxic and unhealthy relationship
• A denial or withholdment of funds or resources like disability assistance
• Mental, physical, emotional, or financial abuse
• Substance addiction
• Mental illness
• Political polarization
• Different religious and/or cultural beliefs

Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW, a trauma therapist, says it’s important to understand that estrangement isn't a simple decision and that it often includes a deep level of thought, especially since many don't want to reduce or eliminate contact with their family member(s). 

“I think with a lot of folks, when they finally get to that point of estrangement, it doesn't always feel like it's a choice,” she says. “I think it kind of feels like this is something I have to do to preserve myself.”

How Culture Plays a Part

Patricia Dixon, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and owner of a Florida-based group practice, says there is this cultural expectation to stay in contact with your family, which can be particularly damaging for people of color. 

“There tends to be this kinship for survival, for making it through the different discrimination that you may face as a person of color,” she says. “And so there becomes an added pressure of having to remain family and bonded because we're supposed to protect each other. For somebody to step away from a family member, there's this pressure and shame.”

Zic adds that these pressures can make estrangement more difficult, particularly if your cultural background stems from a collectivist culture.

Other Potential Causes of Estrangement

The process of estrangement is rarely cut and dry. How much contact you have with a loved one shifts and changes. Joshua Coleman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice and a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, adds that estrangement is a scenario sometimes rife with miscommunication. 

“A lot of parents say, ‘Yeah, I made some pretty serious mistakes,’ but probably the majority don't understand why that would produce an estrangement,” he explains. “Some just have no idea. Sometimes, it's because the child is telling them and they're not accepting it. Other times, some adult children, probably because they're conflict-avoidant, haven't really told their parents, so they are operating in the dark.”

While toxic and abusive relationships are also common causes for estrangement, Coleman points to family dynamics like divorce, or controlling marital partners as other possible drivers. 

Psychological Effects of Estrangement

Estrangement can lead to a variety of positive and negative mental health effects. For some, it brings feelings of sadness, grief, and a loss of control. Studies show that the person choosing to separate themselves from their family member(s) experiences a host of emotions, ranging from anger, sadness, and upsetness at the beginning of the estrangement. Over time, these feelings will dwindle but anger and sadness will remain at lower rates.

The reality is that estrangement is complicated and how one feels about estrangement depends on a person and their circumstances—especially considering most estrangements are marked by on and off-again cycles.

Dixon adds that social media glamorizes estrangement, noting that it “makes people more comfortable with becoming estranged because they can still stalk the person through social media,” she says. “So it's almost as if, if I cut you off, and still know what's happening in your life.” Instead of rushing towards estrangement, Dixon recommends setting boundaries and expectations in your relationships. This, she says, will help curb the mental and psychological stress that comes with being estranged and grieving your lost relationships.

How Society Views Estrangement

Dixon believes this pressure to maintain familial relationships can actively harm those considering estrangement or have actively gone no contact.

“This is someone you were once close to and they had a strong foundation in your life,” she says.

Societal narratives surrounding estrangement regularly place reunification or reconciliation on a pedestal and ignore the reality that estrangement can be painful, beautiful, illuminating, and a whole host of other experiences, often all at once.

Coping With Estrangement

What does coping with estrangement look like?

• Engage in physical or mental practices. Zic recommends therapy, meditation, or movement-based activities to help nourish and ground you.
• Find comfort in your chosen family. Your chosen family includes the people in your circle with whom you share a family bond, regardless of whether you are actually related to them. “Having chosen family, [means having] people who remind you, ‘Hey, I trust you. We can navigate relationships differently,” Zic says.
• Speak to a mental health professional. Seek out a mental health clinical who understands the intricacies of estrangement.
• Visit an online support group. Websites like Together Estranged and Stand Alone have online support groups to help you cope with being estranged from your family.
• Group therapy. Research shows that group therapy reduces the psychological stress of estrangement.

Reconciling With Estranged Family

If reunification or reconciliation is a goal, Coleman recommends communicating expectations and a timeline. He often tells his clients interested in reconciling with their parents to “let their parents know the changes that they need or want them to make and that they'll check back in with them in six months or some period of time.”

“Often adult children are saying to their parent, ‘You need to do your own therapy, you need to do your work.’ But they often don't give the parent a timeline,” he says.

Bottom Line

Ultimately, whether you decide to remain estranged from your family or seek reconciliation, know that either decision is completely valid. Family relationships are complicated and sometimes, years of resentment, trauma, and buried feelings can't be solved. And sometimes with therapy, changed behavior, and forgiveness, they can.

But it's not up to society or a random person on Reddit or Twitter to decide this for you. Chat with a therapist, set boundaries with your family, communicate your expectations, and go from there.