Friends With Benefits: What It Looks Like and How to Make It Work

Friends with benefits is a relationship dynamic in which people who are friends or friendly with each other agree to be physically or sexually intimate, without the commitment or expectations typically associated with a traditional romantic relationship.

It is a type of casual arrangement that exists somewhere between a friendship and a romantic relationship. 

People in these types of relationships enjoy spending time together but do not have a commitment to one another, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.

If you’ve seen this dynamic in movies and shows, you may wonder whether it really works. In this article, we explore what a friends with benefits relationship could look like, how to determine whether it’s right for you, and some tips to help you make it work.

What Does a Friends With Benefits Relationship Look Like?

These are some of the key characteristics of a friends with benefits relationship:

• Friendship: As the name suggests, a friends with benefits relationship often starts with friendship. The people involved know each other to some degree, may share common interests, care about and respect each other, and enjoy spending time together as friends.
• Physical intimacy: The “benefits” of this arrangement may include sex and other forms of physical intimacy like kissing and cuddling, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Casual hangouts: These relationships may include casual hangouts like watching movies together, cooking each other dinner, having sleepovers, and spending time with each other’s friends, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Lack of expectations: These relationships are about enjoying each other’s company without any commitment or expectations that they will progress into a romantic relationship, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Non-exclusivity: Friends with benefits arrangements are often non-exclusive, with partners free to date other people if they like.
• Temporary: These relationships are often short-lived. They either evolve into a more committed relationship, return to friendship, or end altogether.

It’s important to note that friends with benefits relationships can look different for everyone. “There are no rules or guidelines for these relationships. They can vary widely based on the preferences of the people involved,” says Dr. Romanoff.

Is Being Friends With Benefits Right for You?

If you’re wondering whether a friends with benefits arrangement is right for you, here are some factors to consider.

Being friends with benefits might work for you if:

• You want intimacy without commitment: This relationship is right for you if you want the intimacy of a relationship but don’t want commitment or monogamy, says Dr. Romanoff. It may be particularly beneficial for people who don’t have the time, energy, or desire for a committed relationship but still want a physical connection with someone.
• You don’t want the complications of a relationship: This arrangement may work for you if you want the benefits of a relationship without the more challenging aspects of a commitment like compromise, vulnerability, sacrifice, and trying to meet many of each other’s needs and expectations, says Dr. Romanoff.
• You enjoy your friend but don’t see it working out long-term: A friends with benefits relationship can work for you if you’re attracted to a friend and like spending time with them, but don’t see yourself in an exclusive, committed relationship with them. This may be because of value differences, like if you ultimately want marriage or children and your friend doesn't.

On the other hand, being friends with benefits might not be a good idea for you if:

• You tend to get emotionally attached and have trouble keeping it casual.
• You tend to develop expectations and get your feelings hurt if they’re not met.
• You don’t do well with non-monogamy and get extremely possessive and jealous of other people in your partner’s life.
• You are in love with the person and hope the arrangement will turn into a relationship.
• You don’t do well with uncertainty and need to know what the future holds.

How to Make Being Friends With Benefits Work

If you decide to pursue a friends with benefits relationship, these are some tips that can help you make it work:

• Communicate clearly: Communication is key to making these relationships work, says Dr. Romanoff. It’s important to define the relationship and discuss the boundaries so there are no misunderstandings.
• Be honest: It’s crucial to be honest with the other person—and yourself—about what you want and how you’re feeling, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Establish ground rules and boundaries: Agreeing on rules and establishing boundaries can help form a foundation trust and stability in the dynamic. It can be helpful to establish ground rules around things like how often you will meet, which activities are allowed and which are off-limits, whether you will see other people and what to share or not about your dating lives, what birth control you will use, and what you will or won't tell others about your arrangement, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Respect each other and each other’s boundaries shared: For this relationship to work, it’s important to honor each other's boundaries and privacy. Avoid violating the rules of the relationship and treat each other with consideration, kindness, and mutual respect.
• Have regular check-ins: Dr. Romanoff recommends having regular check-ins with each other about how it’s going. She also recommends checking in with yourself to see whether the relationship is still serving you and what you want–just because it worked for you in the beginning does not mean it will continue to work down the line.
• Manage your jealousy: If the arrangement is non-exclusive, you or your partner might also be seeing other people. Feelings of jealousy may arise and it's important for you to manage these feelings without taking it out on your partner. Clearly communicate what you are feeling, be honest with yourself about what's working and what isn't, and practice processing and managing difficult emotions like jealousy that may arise.
• Focus on the present: Remember that this relationship is casual and not intended to lead to a committed romantic relationship. Avoid dwelling on the past or projecting into the future.
• Know when to end things: If you find that you’re no longer having fun or on the same page as your partner, it might be time to end the arrangement. Ending things amicably and respectfully can help preserve the friendship.

Does Being Friends With Benefits Lead to Dating?

Being friends with benefits can sometimes lead to dating or a more serious romantic relationship; however, that’s not always the case.

There is no hard and fast rule about where this dynamic leads, says Dr. Romanoff. “There are many variables that impact this trajectory.”

If you find that you’ve developed romantic feelings for someone you’re in this arrangement with, it’s important to tell them how you feel.

Once you share your feelings, you can either work together to meet each other’s needs or end the arrangement to find someone who you can help you reach your relationship goals, says Dr. Romanoff.

It’s not a good idea to stay in this arrangement if you have deeper feelings for the person and want more than they’re giving you. Being friends with benefits can give you a false sense of hope with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you and keep you from meeting your relationship goals with someone who does.

Closing considerations

Navigating a friends with benefits situation can be easy and straightforward for some people, and not so much for others—so if you choose to try this relationship dynamic it's important to proceed with caution and check in with your friend often.

This type of relationship can have lots of benefits, and can be particularly helpful when it comes to having physical intimacy needs met. It can also help you in learning more about what you like, practicing getting your sexual needs met in a mutually consenting way, and having fun and enjoying your sexuality and connections with others.