A Chronic Overthinker? Here's How to Silence Your Brain During Sex

When my husband and I first started dating, sex was a mind-blowing adventure. However, the novelty of exploring each other’s bodies eventually simmered down. Add a couple of kids and jammed-packed schedules and our sex life transformed into a series of mindless acts. 

It’s hard to stay present when to-do lists intrude into our minds while we're intimate. So how can we “get out of heads” during sex and fully enjoy the moment?

What Does Being “In Your Head” During Sex Even Mean?

You're trying to enjoy some much-needed intimacy with your S.O. but your brain just won't shut up. Remember to take the kids to basketball practice. There's a doctor's appointment this Friday. The in-laws are coming over for dinner next week.

You can't enjoy the moment and be present because you're so preoccupied mentally.

Certified sex therapist and host of the As a Sex Therapist podcast Heather Shannon, says that being “in your head” is one of the most common issues she sees with her clients. 

“[Being in your head] means that instead of being fully present with yourself, your senses, the person you’re with, and the actual sex, you’re somewhere else mentally,” she explains. “For example, instead of having a direct experience of smelling, touching, feeling the other person and experiencing your own senses, you’re worrying about your performance, if you’re taking too long to orgasm, what’s for dinner, etc. You’re disconnected from your body.“

Common Reasons Why People Get Stuck in Their Heads During Sex

Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness, explains that overthinking during sex tends to happen to people who experience anxiety. Many get stuck in their heads because they are distracted by other thoughts or stressors. Some common examples include:

• Worrying about how you look, smell, feel, or sound
• Monitoring your sexual functioning and performance
• Wondering how your partner is feeling, their pleasure, and if they are having a good time
• Thinking about your to-do list, work issues, what is about to happen in your day, or what has already happened
• Getting distracted by the noise outside or in your environment
• Assessing the privacy of where you are

Thoughts That Might Prevent You From Being Present During Sex

Several things can be going on in your mind that prevent you from connecting intimately with your partner. For Shannon and her clients, specifically, some common thoughts include:

• “I might not be able to stay hard.” 
• “What if I smell bad down there?” 
• “Maybe I should moan more or just fake it.” 

There are also non-sexual thoughts that can hinder your arousal and ruin the “mood.” Some of Shannon's clients have thought the following:

• “I hope we can just be done soon.” 
• “God, the house is such a mess.” 
• “I hope the kids can’t hear us.” 

Gender Differences

According to Dr. Litner, overthinking during sex can happen to people of all genders and sexual orientations. She’s noticed men fixating on their body’s sexual functioning or “performance” and women being concerned with their ability to orgasm, their sense of safety, and the mental load of their day-to-day. 

“Some of these gender differences may be due to how people are socialized in the masculine or feminine and associated messages about how sex is supposed to be,” she adds.

Impact on Sexual Satisfaction and Intimacy

Being distracted or mentally absent during sex can severely impact sexual satisfaction and feelings of intimacy. 

Shannon often hears her clients talk about faking orgasms and feeling performative. This inability to relax and enjoy sex in the moment can result in low libido over time because sex has never really been an enjoyable act. Rather, it’s always been about pleasing the other partner and keeping up appearances that you're into it. People also report feeling bored and self-conscious and having difficulty orgasming or maintaining an erection. This is all from not being fully present. 

“There are layers of ‘shoulds’ and ‘supposed to’ that we are all subjected to when it comes to sex, but it does more harm than good,” she says. “Just show up, be present, be yourself, and communicate with your partner from that place of authenticity.”

How Practicing Mindful Sex Can Help

I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a teenager and my go-to coping mechanism has always been practicing mindfulness. It's done ~wonders~ to calm my worries, including the ones I have during sex. I pay attention to what I'm sensing and redirect myself without judgment to the present whenever I get “in my head.”

Shannon also recommends using mindfulness to bring you back to the present when your mind is wandering during sex.

“Notice what you see such as your partner’s face,” she says. “Notice what you smell — your partner’s shampoo or perfume. Notice the feeling of touching your partner’s skin or your own. Cueing into your senses will help you get back in your body and out of your head.”

Tips For How to Get Out of Your Head

While practicing mindfulness improved my sexual satisfaction, there are other ways to stop overthinking during sex.

Don’t Underestimate Mental Foreplay

There's more than one type of foreplay. We use physical foreplay to get in the mood for sex—why shouldn't we do the same for our minds? Enough foreplay ensures you can get into a sexual headspace. When things are going too fast, your mind hasn't caught up with your body. Instead of being mentally ready for sex, you're still worrying about the next item on your to-do list. Or, wondering why the person is moving to the next stage of sex already.

Shannon says mental foreplay is very underrated and that building anticipation is huge for eroticism. This is what we adults call edging, which is the practice of flirting, teasing, and building excitement and anticipation toward sexual intimacy. Exploring edging is a great way to strengthen emotional intimacy and communication in your relationship as it encourages you and your partner to express what they are feeling, desiring, and needing.

We often forget this step when we’ve been with someone for a while, live together, or have kids. We get busy with life and forget to take it slow.

Don’t Rely on Physical Aspects of Sex

Shannon says her patients might begin touching to get in the mood, even though they're not aroused. Starting with physical touches like kissing and hand-holding might work well for some who are turned on by naked bodies, genital stimulation, and touch in general. 

Sex can be just as emotional and mental as physical. Not all turn-ons are sexual. Having your hair brushed might be what gets you going. Or being pampered by your hubby with a nice dinner and a backscratch. Perhaps, talking about each other's day is what sets the mood. There's a range of activities and types of conversation that can be emotionally attuning and sexually arousing.

Focus on the Journey

Sex scenes in movies and TV shows rarely last longer than five minutes and almost always result in both characters climaxing together. Sorry to break it to you, but that's super unrealistic.

Talk to Your Partner 

Shannon says it’s important to know yourself and your partner(s). Find out what turns you and your partner on and lean into that before getting sexual. Talk openly and honestly about your thoughts and feelings during sex. Tell them if there is anything you’d like them to do differently and be open to their suggestions.

Get Help From a Sex Therapist

Dr. Litner recommends working with a sex therapist to help address any underlying concerns related to overthinking. They can teach you effective cognitive strategies such as thought diffusion, redirection, or reassurance statements to combat distracting thoughts. 

Shannon also advises being patient and giving yourself grace! Learning to feel comfortable and present during sex is a journey. Your brain has been hardwired to mentally escape during intimacy. It's going to take a while for you to rewire your pathways.

“It takes time and practice to unlearn some of what we’ve come to believe about sex and to become brave enough to be truly ourselves and therefore truly vulnerable,” she explains. “But it’s worth the effort because that’s the only place real intimacy comes from.”