Why So Many Older Couples Are Falling Victim to the Gray Divorce Phenomenon

Bill and Melinda Gates. Hugh Jackman and Debora-Lee Jackman. Rhea Perlman and Danny Devito. What do any of these couples have in common? They're all divorced after decades-long marriages. See, there's this growing trend of older couples calling it quits. And the research backs this up too—a 2021 report by the U.S. Census Bureau found that more and more couples over the age of 65 are divorcing, after being married for years, if not decades.

Why are older couples—after spending nearly half of their lives together—ending their relationships? This phenomenon, dubbed "gray divorce," is one explanation for the growing number of single-person US households. 

What Is a Gray Divorce?

Why are so many older couples getting divorced? Whereas younger couples divorce because of incompatible parenting styles or difficult relatives, older divorcees are more likely to split due to empty nest syndrome, infidelity, and financial differences. Instead of fighting over custody of the kids, elderly couples are more likely to argue over pension plans and retirement savings. Divorce can take a massive financial toll, and older adults who are closer to retirement age—or already retired—have less time to recover.

How Common Is Gray Divorce?

One 2022 study looking at historical trends in gray divorce found that divorce rates among middle-aged and older adults have increased since 1970. Gray divorce was relatively uncommon in 1970 and grew only modestly until 1990. In 1990, 8.7% of marriages among people over age 50 ended in divorce. By 2019, that number had grown to 36%.

The researchers also noted that people over the age of 65 are the only age group with growing divorce rates. In contrast, the divorce rate among adults in their 20s and 30s has actually declined in recent years.

Other factors that increase the risk for gray divorce include the number of previous marriages and the number of years a person has been married. Remarriages are less likely to last, and people who have been married nine years or less are more likely to divorce.

While length of marriage is a risk factor for gray divorce, many couples who split after the age of 50 have been in marriages lasting decades. According to statistics by the Pew Research Center, 34% of gray divorces are between couples married for at least 30 years, and 12% are between couples married 40 years or longer.

Factors Contributing to Gray Divorce

So why are many couples opting to split after weathering many of the challenges they’ve faced earlier in their relationship? The reasons why a long-term couple opts for divorce vary from one situation to the next. Some common factors that appear to play a major role include:

Empty Nest Syndrome

Kids leaving the home can create a big shift in a relationship, sometimes resulting in what is commonly called "empty nest syndrome." Couples may find that once their children no longer live at home, they have little in common outside of their roles as parents. This can make it hard to find closeness and connection, leading many adults to seek fulfillment outside their relationship.

"For many couples, the children have been the source of their connection," says Kimberley Best, RN, MA, a dispute resolution expert and founder of Best Conflict Solutions. "When the children are gone, some couples realize they have drifted apart and no longer have shared interests or a strong connection."

Financial Issues

Arguments over money can become more pronounced as couples near retirement age. It becomes harder to find common ground and maintain the peace, as people contemplate leaving the workforce. Financial infidelity—such as hiding bills, large purchases, debts, or secret bank accounts—can also affect the stability of a long-term marriage.

Infidelity

Cheating is one of the most common reasons for divorce at any age, including among older couples. Infidelity is a bitter betrayal. After spending a lifetime building shared memories with another person, watching it crumble down due to unfaithfulness can make it too difficult to repair the trust and intimacy a couple once shared.

Health Problems

Health challenges like a serious chronic condition can majorly strain a relationship. Some couples find that they're unable to handle health issues that emerge as they age.

Growing Apart

One of the most significant causes of gray divorce is the changes people experience as they age. Growing apart is the most frequently cited reason for divorce at any age. For older adults specifically, aging represents a big change, and people’s priorities, interests, and needs may shift as they grow older.

Some couples might grow closer during this time, but others might find their values and priorities too different, leading some couples to choose separate paths.

Changing Expectations

Our expectations for what we consider a healthy, satisfying marriage have also changed over time. Today, couples are more likely to place a greater emphasis on how the relationship makes them feel, including whether it contributes to their overall happiness and fulfillment. When a relationship or a person's needs shift, it may no longer meet these criteria, which is why some people may opt to end things.

Societal Changes

Societal changes have also influenced this relationship upheaval. Older adults were often raised with the expectation that they would marry, have children, and grow old together. Today, many now recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all path to a happy life, and women have more freedom and financial independence to past generations. 

"The majority of all divorces are initiated by women, and this is true for gray divorce as well," explains Kate Engler, LMFT, CST, a licensed couples and sex therapist at Three Points Relationships. "In the last 50 years, women have gained greater economic independence and have held and maintained their own careers. This has created more options for women on many fronts, including deciding to divorce."

As a result, people are less likely to stay in marriages that don’t meet their needs, even if it means calling it quits after spending decades together.  Engler notes that other factors such as increased life expectancy have also played a part. 

"With increased life expectancy, many people—particularly women—look down the road at what remains of their life and think, 'Why would I want to spend these years in a bad marriage? I still have a life to live, and I want to be happy,'" she adds.

Financial Considerations in Gray Divorce

It’s important to note that divorce can have serious financial consequences for couples that end their marriages later in life.

"Gray divorce can be financially devastating to both parties," Best explains. "Often people are saving for a joint retirement. This will likely be split with divorce, leaving people with far less income than they anticipated."

While divorce has economic impacts at any age, some considerations that are particularly significant for middle-aged and older adults include:

• Dividing assets: This involves splitting up financial resources, possessions, and property that have been accumulated over the course of a marriage. This can include the shared home and any savings, investments, pensions, and other personal possessions. Laws about how these assets are divided vary by state, so they may become the source of considerable contention.
• Retirement savings: Splitting retirement savings can affect how much each person has available to support themselves during retirement. 
• Healthcare costs: Gray divorce can also affect healthcare expenses. One spouse may lose access to insurance benefits previously provided by their partner, which can be a significant concern for older adults with increased health concerns.
• Housing and legal expenses: Other costs associated with divorce, including housing expenses and legal fees, can add up quickly.

Gray Divorce Can Reduce Financial Security

Evidence indicates that a late-life divorce has a major effect on an individual’s financial situation and well-being. For example, research has shown that gray divorcees have less financial security than their married or widowed peers.

While both men and women take a significant financial hit, evidence indicates there is a gender disparity in these effects. This risk is particularly high for gray divorced women, as they receive lower Social Security benefits, and 25% of them experience poverty.

On the societal level, older couples who divorce can create challenges for an already strained housing market. Finding housing that is affordable, accessible, and safe for the needs of an aging population can be particularly difficult.

Emotional and Psychological Impact of Gray Divorce

Gray divorce also has profound emotional effects. It's a significant life change at any age, but this transition can be especially difficult when it happens after a long-term marriage. Elderhood is often a point where many people feel settled but gray divorces can have their sense of security upended.

Grief and Loss

It's normal for people to feel a sense of grief and loss when they let go of a shared connection and the dreams and hopes they once shared together. For some, the loss of what was one of the most significant relationships in their life can feel very much like experiencing the death of a loved one.

Engler explains that people often experience what is known as "ambiguous loss," characterized by feelings of grief. This loss is considered ambiguous because while the person is still out there, they are no longer present in your life.

Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

The mental health effects of gray divorce are also important to consider. Some people experience a sense of renewal and freedom as they let go of a relationship that no longer serves them. Others, particularly those who didn't initiate the divorce, may be left struggling with feelings of stress, anxiety, or depression.

"When a lifetime partnership ends, they must find a way to readjust and rethink what brings them meaning, purpose, and connection," explains Michelle Feng, MD, Chief Clinical Officer at the behavioral healthcare team of Executive Mental Health. "Divorce can take away some of the built in structure of interacting with others that occurs as a couple and a family. Without it, we can feel aimless, not a part of the rest of society, and lonely."

Loss of Identity

A loss of identity might also be a consequence of gray divorce. People are forced to grapple with changes to their sense of self and find ways to redefine themselves outside of their marriage. A person's self-esteem and self-worth can also take a hit. They may be left struggling with feelings of inadequacy and rejection.

Loneliness and Isolation

Older adults are particularly at risk for experiencing loneliness as they grow older, and that risk can be heightened following a late-life divorce. One report found that one-third of people over age 45 and one-quarter of those over 65 are considered socially isolated.

Engler notes that loneliness is a problem she sees often in her own practice, particularly among men. "They typically focused their time and energy on work throughout their lives, often letting friendships lapse or they leaned heavily on their wives to maintain their social life," she says. "Once divorced, they find themselves without the skills or confidence to do it on their own."

Social isolation and loneliness are linked to a higher risk for health problems, including dementia, coronary artery disease, and stroke.

Health Effects

Gray divorce can also have a range of health effects. In general, marriage is associated with better health and greater longevity. Married people tend to be healthier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts.

In such instances, a low-quality marriage may actually lead to worse health outcomes. For people in unhealthy relationships, ending the marriage may ultimately have a positive impact on overall health and well-being.

Maintaining Health and Wellness During Gray Divorce

Gray divorce can be a major transition, but there are steps you can take to help maintain your health and well-being if you decide to split from your partner later in life.

Feng stresses that separation and divorce are highly personal. "Don’t let the statistics make you afraid or drive you in a way that is not in line with what you want to do," she says. "It is easier now to get a divorce, although still difficult financially. But like any great lifestyle change, it will require a period of adjustment."

The experts we spoke to suggest taking the following steps to protect your well-being and help you thrive following a divorce:

Find Support

Having the support of friends and family is pivotal. Loneliness is a common problem for older single adults, so maintaining social connections outside of your marriage can help mitigate this risk.

Give Yourself Time

While divorce is difficult at any age, ending a long-term relationship might be harder to process. Give yourself time and grace as you navigate these complex emotions. It's normal to feel grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, and relief.

Set Boundaries

Create and maintain boundaries with your ex, as well as with kids and friends who may feel the need to express their opinions about the end of your relationship. 

Practice Self-Care

The sudden change in your routine, relationships, and living situation can throw a wrench into your normal self-care routine. That’s why it is important to make an effort to maintain routines and stick with your self-care goals.

Talk to a Financial Counselor

Because financial and economic changes are common after a gray divorce, consider talking to a financial professional. They can help you develop a budget appropriate for your new financial situation and help manage debt, so you're better prepared for your financial future. 

Manage Stress

Divorce is stressful, and dealing with the changes you’re experiencing can sometimes make it hard to cope. Look for relaxation techniques that can help combat symptoms of stress. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, yoga, mindfulness, and meditation are just a few you might try.

Cultivate New Connections

The reality is that your relationships will likely change after a gray divorce. You may spend less time with many of your shared friends or even lose those relationships altogether. That’s why it’s so important to seek out new social connections as you rebuild your life as a single person. This can involve making new friends, or it might even include eventually dating again, whether that involves casual dating or seeking a new long-term partner.

Resources and Support for Gray Divorcees

While divorce signifies the end of one of the most significant and long-lasting relationships in your life, that doesn't mean that you need to go it alone. There are a variety of resources and support networks that can help gray divorcees navigate the challenges that come from these later-in-life events.

"Finding support and community are critical during and after a divorce," Engler says. "Find a therapist. Find a support group. Find other people who have experienced divorce, understand what you have been through, and don't judge you."

A few options include:

Family and Friends

Friends, family, and loved ones can be one of your most powerful forms of support. In addition to offering practical assistance and guidance (since they may have experience with their own divorces), trusted friends and family members can also be a source of companionship and emotional support.

Mental Health Professionals

For divorcees struggling with the aftereffects of a divorce, a licensed mental health professional can be a valuable source of insight and support. Talking to a therapist can help you process your emotions, develop new coping strategies, and make a plan for how to deal with some of the challenges you will face during and after a divorce.

Financial Advisors

Since gray divorce has significant financial implications, it's important to work with a qualified financial planner or advisor. Look for someone with experience advising divorced clients, so you can receive the best possible guidance on how to budget, plan for retirement, and manage your debts.

Legal Experts

Talk to a divorce attorney to learn more about your legal rights and obligations as you navigate your divorce. Best also recommends seeking help from a mediator/conflict manager to resolve disputes that arise during a gray divorce. 

"Mediation is a confidential, blame-free, nonjudgmental way to be heard, to listen to the underlying needs, and to try to design a way forward that works for both parties and their circles of influence," she explains. "If you decide being apart is best, you can work together with a mediator to decide how to do that."

Support Groups

Look in your area or check online for a divorce support group. You might join a more general group or one that is specifically geared toward older adults. This can be a great way to learn from others, gain validation, and build a sense of community with people who have similar experiences.

Online Resources

You may also find it helpful to explore online articles, forums, and organizations that offer information and advice regarding gray divorce. Reading stories about other people's experiences can be a helpful way to learn from the lived experiences of others who have been in the same place as you.