Help! I'm in a Relationship But I Have a Crush on Someone Else

You're committed to your partner and love them endlessly, but that coworker with brown eyes and curly hair just keeps popping up in your dreams. It's just a crush—you're not going to act on it, of course. But is it, like, wrong to fancy someone when you're in a relationship?

Short answer? It's complicated. You have “puppy love,” AKA strong but surface-level (and temporary!) romantic and sexual feelings for someone. It's totally harmless when you're single. And while it's not wrong to develop crushes when in a monogamous relationship, it has to be handled correctly to not hurt your partner or your relationship. Take a look below at how to handle a crush when you're committed to another.

Why Do Crushes Happen When You're Committed?

Even if you're super into your partner, you can *still* develop a crush. They're perfectly normal and common. But why do we have them? According to therapist Afton Turner, LPCA, “crushes may happen for a variety of reasons [like] boredom in life or your relationship, idealizing who your crush is or could be, and even simple biological attraction.” She adds that relationships can be complex, but crushes feel simple, which makes them appealing.

Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Biird and author of “Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject,” says that crushes are physical responses to attraction. “Your body doesn't know you're in a relationship; your body will still respond to attractive people,” she says. They're involuntary and can often be the result of boredom in a relationship.

“If you're in a relationship, a crush can give you the opportunity to daydream about something you don't get to enjoy on a day-to-day basis,” she adds. “It may provide an escape of sorts.”

Common Emotional Reactions

Crushes can result in feelings of both guilt and shame. You also may become angry at yourself for not being able to control feelings, especially if they're particularly lusty.

Don't feel about having a crush—it's biological! That said, how you handle it is everything. A common emotional reaction is to fantasize about the person you're crushing on. That isn't the most sound route, though. “If you are actively feeding the crush by stalking the person on social media, talking about them with your friends, or finding excuses to spend time with them, this may detract from your relationship,” says Weiss.

Is This Saying Something About Your Relationships?

Crushing on a person outside of your relationship can naturally make you consider your relationship. Sometimes, a crush will help you realize what your relationship is lacking. And yeah it's common to get crushes, but having them often may indicate your relationship isn't fully satisfying you.

“Crushes can highlight what you might be missing in your current relationship, like flirting, thoughtful communication, compliments, or quality time," says Turner. “Recognizing these desires can help you figure out what changes you might want to make to improve your relationship or are non-negotiables for you.”

Additionally, Weiss says that the type of person you're crushing on may help determine what is missing from your partnership. “If you become infatuated with someone who is very lighthearted and fun-loving, this may mean you would like more play in your relationship,” she says. “If you are crushing on someone who is very powerful, you may want to see more of your partner's dominant side.”

How to Manage the Crush

The first step to managing a crush is to set boundaries. That will help you ensure everyone behaves appropriately in the situation. “Set boundaries with your partner, your crush, and yourself," advises Turner. “Boundaries should include open communication with your partner, limited communication with the crush, and personally evaluate your end of the commitment or vows you have made with your partner.”

Weiss adds that “if you find yourself keeping your interactions with your crush a secret, this is a sign that they're infringing upon the boundaries of your romantic relationship and you need to pull back."

Is Your Crush a Sign That Your Needs Aren't Being Met?

In addition to setting clear boundaries, take some time to determine if your crush is letting you know about issues in your relationship. If the answer is yes, talk with your partner about your unmet needs. Work together to discern how to change the situation, so that you and your partner feel satisfied.

It's also important to redirect the energy you're putting into your crush back into your relationship. “When you have the urge to send your crush a funny TikTok, send it to your partner instead. Find new ways to flirt with your partner,” Turner suggests.

Is It a Crush Or Is Monogamy Just Not For You?

Lastly, on occasion, a crush isn't about your relationship, but rather an indication that monogamy might not be right for you. If you suspect that's the case, Turner recommends “evaluating what types of relationships are fulfilling to you and why.”

She continues, adding that, “if you are considering non-monogamy, take time to assess if this is just about the crush or is a nonmonogamous relationship what's actually best for you.”

That said, according to Weiss, non-monogamy can potentially cause your partner a lot of stress. So, it's important to know if ethical non-monogamy is *exactly* what you want before communicating it to your partner. (And if you're unsure if monogamy or non-monogamy is for you, we have a handy dandy guide down below)

But Wait, Should You Even Tell Your Partner?

Whether or not you tell your partner about your crush is entirely up to you. But if you're wondering if you should, experts say it depends on your relationship. “When you and your partner first get together, I'd recommend having a conversation about how you define monogamy, including how to address attraction to other people,” Weiss says.

A crush is often quite manageable in strong relationships. “Relationships built on mutual trust and respect should have space for each partner to be open and honest about having crushes,” says Turner.

However, even in the healthiest of relationships, a crush can your partner's feelings. “But this can be worked through with appropriate boundaries and potentially professional support,” she adds. Turner recommends keeping your crush to yourself “if you are in a toxic or volatile relationship, [as] sharing that may not be safe.”

Reigniting the Spark in Your Current Relationship

Talking through boundaries and redirecting your energy should help you manage your crush. You can also use your crush's feelings to make your relationship more exciting. “Crushes help us boost our self-confidence, which can carry into our relationship,” says Turner. Which means you can carry that renewed confidence into your current partnership.

Is It Time for Therapy?

You may be able to manage the crush on your own, but sometimes we need a little extra support. If that's the case, you may benefit from therapy, either by yourself or with your partner. “You should consider seeking therapy—either individually or as a couple—when your crush becomes all-consuming," says Turner.

Okay, so you know you need therapy, but should you do it alone or with your partner? Well, that depends on what types of feelings you're dealing with. “If you find yourself disturbed by thoughts of your crush or riddled with guilt over them, I would talk to an individual therapist about this,” suggests Weiss. On the other hand, “if your partner is aware of your crush and it's getting in the way of your relationship, this would be a topic to discuss in couples' therapy,” she adds.

Another reason to go to couples therapy is if “you are discussing opening your relationship,” says Weiss. “This can get very complicated and you need as much support as possible.”

Therapy Resources

Not sure where or how to start your therapy journey? Don't fret—there are lots of resources available. Couples counseling is the right idea if you're looking together, whereas individual therapy is just for you. There are many online options. If you have health insurance that covers mental health, you can look through their resources, too.

Having a crush may feel complicated, but with these manageable tips, your relationship can be healthier than ever.