How to Apologize the Right Way

Relationships can be wonderful buffers against stress, but relationship conflicts can also cause considerable emotional pain and stress. Knowing how to apologize—and when—can repair damage in a relationship, but if you aren't sincerely apologizing, you can actually make things worse.

A sincere and effective apology is one that communicates genuine empathy, remorse, and regret as well as a promise to learn from your mistakes. In other words, you need to really believe you did something wrong and feel sorry for the hurt you caused. Here are some easy steps to help you learn how to apologize sincerely and effectively.

Know When to Apologize

Knowing when to apologize is as important as knowing how to apologize. Generally speaking, if you suspect that something you did—on purpose or by accident—caused someone else hard feelings, it's a good idea to apologize and clear the air.

If what you did would have bothered you if it was done to you, an apology is in order. If you're not sure, an apology not only offers you the chance to "own" mistakes you made, but also re-establish what you think was okay. If you feel the other person is being unreasonable, a discussion may be in order. You can decide where you stand on the apology after that.

While sincerely apologizing can go a long way toward mending a relationship, people are often unwilling or unable to take this step. Admitting you were wrong can be difficult and humbling.

Researchers have found that people who believe that personality is changeable are more likely to apologize for harmful actions. Because they feel that change is possible, they feel that accepting the blame for their mistakes is an opportunity for learning and growth.

Take Responsibility

Taking responsibility means acknowledging mistakes you made that hurt the other person. This is one of the most important and neglected ingredients of most apologies, especially those in the media.

Saying something vague like, "I’m sorry if you were offended by something I said," implies that the hurt feelings were a random reaction on the part of the other person. Saying, "When I said [the hurtful thing], I wasn’t thinking. I realize I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry," acknowledges that you know what it was you said that hurt the other person, and you take responsibility for it.

Express Regret

When learning how to apologize effectively, it’s important to understand the value of expressing regret. Taking responsibility is important, but it’s also helpful for the other person to know that you feel bad about hurting them and wish you hadn’t. That’s it. They already feel bad, and they’d like to know that you feel bad about them feeling bad.

These are all expressions of regret that add to the sincerity of your apology and let the other person know you care.

Make Amends

If there’s anything you can do to amend the situation, do it. It’s important to know how to apologize with sincerity, and part of that sincerity is a willingness to act.

Whatever you can do to make things better, do it. If you’re not sure what would help, ask the other person.

Reaffirm Boundaries

One of the most important parts of sincerely apologizing—and one of the best reasons to apologize—is to reaffirm boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important in any relationship. 

When you come into conflict with someone, often a boundary is crossed. If a social rule is violated or trust is broken, an apology helps to affirm what kind of future behavior is preferred.

Discussing what type of rules you both will adhere to in the future helps rebuild trust, boundaries, and positive feelings. It provides a natural segue out of the conflict and into a happier future in the relationship.

For example, you and your partner, friend, or family member can discuss things you won't tolerate, such as:

• Disrespect
• Cheating
• Lying
• Gaslighting
• Mistrust
• Shouting

Own Up to Your Part, Not Theirs

Remember that when you apologize, you're taking responsibility for your part in the conflict. That doesn't mean that you're admitting that the entire conflict was your fault. People are often afraid to apologize first because they think whoever apologizes first is "more wrong" or the "loser" of the conflict.

Giving an apology even when only a small part of the conflict was your responsibility is okay and often healthy. It allows you to establish what you regret about your own actions but confirms your boundaries as well.

It's important to be fair in your apology, both to the other person and to yourself. Don't accept all the blame if it isn't all your fault.

Apologize for the Right Reasons 

When sincerely apologizing for what you did, you can more easily move forward and put the conflict behind you, regardless of the other person's actions. When we apologize, we're able to more easily maintain our integrity and forgive ourselves.

The other person may be moved to apologize for their actions as well. While getting an apology is often nice, it's important to remember that this doesn't always happen. Trying to evoke an apology from the other person is a manipulative tactic that sometimes backfires.

Let Go of Results...to an Extent

Although apologizing can be a way to maintain integrity and move on from actions we're not proud of, most of us also want to repair the relationship and be forgiven. Sometimes this doesn't happen.

If the apology was sincere and included the necessary ingredients, your chances of forgiveness are greater. But sometimes the other person just isn't ready or able to forgive and move on. Or they may forgive you but remain guarded. Or they may not realize their own role in the conflict. You can't control their response, and if you've done everything you can, let it go for now.

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Choose Your Apology Method

Verbal apologies are appropriate under most circumstances, but making amends in writing can also have its benefits. Many people experience discomfort with a face-to-face apology, and while this discomfort alone isn't a good reason for a written apology, it can be a factor—especially if your discomfort affects your ability to express yourself.

Writing out your apology in a letter, email, or even text can give you the time to thoughtfully craft what you want to say. You can make sure you accept responsibility, express remorse, and reaffirm boundaries.

On the other hand, written apologies may be too formal for some mistakes and not personal enough for others. And if the written apology isn't followed by a response, you may be left with an unresolved conflict.

Keep your apology simple and direct. If you overdo it, you'll make it about yourself instead of the person you wronged. This can create resentment in the relationship and erode trust.

Why Sincerely Apologizing Is Important

When you've made a mistake or hurt another person, there are many good reasons to apologize. By apologizing, you are able to:

• Acknowledge that you were wrong
• Discuss what is allowed and not allowed in your relationship
• Express your regret and remorse
• Learn from your mistakes and find new ways of dealing with difficult situations
• Open up a line of communication with the other person

Sincerely apologizing can also bring relief, particularly if you have guilt over your actions. An apology alone doesn't erase the hurt or make it okay, but it does establish that you know your actions or words were wrong and that you will strive harder in the future to prevent it from happening again.

Not apologizing when you are wrong can be damaging to personal and professional relationships. It can also lead to rumination, anger, resentment, and hostility that may only grow over time.

How to Know If Your Apology Was Accepted

In general, you'll be able to tell if your apology was accepted if the person took the following steps:

• Listened to your apology or acknowledged reading your apology
• Thanked you or showed appreciation for your apology
• Responded to your apology, saying "It's okay," "Please don't ever do that again," or even "Thanks, but I still need more time to think"

It's important to remind yourself that even if someone accepts your apology, it doesn't necessarily mean they're ready to forgive you. True forgiveness may take some time, so stay calm and be patient.

The Bottom Line

Sincerely apologizing isn't always easy, but it can be an important part of mending or maintaining important relationships. With empathy, an open heart, and a dose of courage, you can take the steps you need to make a sincere and honest apology.