How to Break the Cycle of Blame in Your Relationship

A cycle of blame in a relationship occurs when one person places the blame for whatever has gone wrong onto their partner, and makes that blame the focus of their complaint or a conflict. This in turn can make a partner feel defensive and attacked. A cycle of blame serves only to increase conflict and unease, and does not help at all to resolve the issues in a relationship.

You may have found yourself on either side of the blame game, and you may be unsure how to get out of that role. To help you navigate more functional ways to relate, we'll look at what exactly is involved in a blame cycle, why such a thing occurs, and how you can take steps to move into a healthier relationship pattern.

Understanding the Blame Cycle

In order to have healthy relationships, we first need to be able to relate positively to ourselves. For example, studies have shown that self-compassion is key to both our overall well-being and our ability to successfully navigate conflict. However, it can be all too easy to get stuck in a negative pattern of behavior that is neither compassionate towards ourselves or our partners.

"The blame game often starts with triggers that are self-reflexive. In other words, we end up projecting onto our partner the very things we are insecure about ourselves," explains co-founder of SOHOMD Dr. Edward Ratush, a sex therapist and Board Certified Psychiatrist. He says this occurs "because the qualities we beat ourselves up over are so ingrained and tough to let go of, it's easy to fall into a similar cycle with our partners."

When trouble arises and our instinct is to blame our partner, that makes them unable to trust us. It also makes it impossible to have a productive conversation about an issue, because we aren't operating from a purely rational or factual place. This may make your partner hesitant to ever bring up problems with you, because they know they're be blamed for your own actions. In turn, that can lead to resentment, and ultimately, the failing of a relationship.

Causes of Blame in Relationships

A blame cycle in a relationship can occur whenever we aren't properly focused on taking responsibility over our own actions. When problems arise, the blame cycle may render them unsolvable because the blamer doesn't accept their part in the conflict.

It's possible to blame your partner(s) for anything that you feel has gone wrong: This could include a breakdown in communication, a misunderstanding, a lack of meeting expectations you thought were clearly laid out, or disagreement around domestic responsibilities. When a person constantly puts the blame for a negative occurrence onto someone else, there is no limit to what situations may incite them to do that.

Consequences of the Blame Game

Understandably, the process of blaming someone else for all of the problems in a relationship can lead to highly negative outcomes. Let's look at what they are.

Poor Communication

When a person feels that they are blamed for issues either beyond their control or not of their doing, they'll naturally be hesitant to enter into conflict. In turn, this can create a lack of communication. In a normal, healthy relationship, one person is able to say to another when they feel wronged or would like a change to be made.

But if you're going to be blamed for wanting change, you're unlikely to do that. Open communication is a key component of a healthy long term relationship, and the blame cycle can prevent it from happening.

Emotional Distancing

When you feel you can't be open and communicate honestly with your partner(s), that can make it a challenge to be close to them. Because of that, one partner may distance themself emotionally from their relationship. This may be conscious or unconscious, and it may be ongoing or only for brief periods of time.

Resentment

It should come as no surprise that in a situation where someone feels blamed, they begin to feel resentful, especially if that blame habit is precluding them from communicating. Resentment can build slowly or quickly, and it can continue to grow over time. It's an unpleasant feeling, and a person may become very upset about their inability to communicate with their partner(s).

Resentment, even if you are trying to keep it hidden inside, can manifest as anything from passive aggressive behavior to poor behavior that isn't representative of how you want to conduct yourself.

Breakup

Ultimately, if unaddressed or not fixed, the blame cycle can lead to the dissolving of a relationship. Open, forthright communication is necessary for long term relationship survival, and the blame cycle makes that quite a challenge.

Even if communication continues to be regularly occurring, a partner may very well decide they are tired of being blamed for all of the problems in a relationship. Unless action is taken to stop the blame cycle, a breakup can easily be the end result.

How to Navigate Blame Constructively

Instead of assuming the worst and that the other person has done something to be intentionally harmful, it may be helpful to assume that your partner is doing their best and to provide feedback that would be helpful and constructive to connection instead of harmful and destructive.

While there will be instances in which someone will make a mistake and be at fault, instead of blaming and shaming, it can be helpful to approach conversations from a place of curiosity, thoughtfulness, self-awareness, and working together collaboratively to resolve the issue.

To begin the process of ending the blame cycle, you'll want to start by communicating with your partner. You can try a different method of communication than you have before, such as learning nonviolent communication. You can also try to operate from a perspective of solving the blame problem together with your partner.

Ratush says that a shift in perspective can be hugely impactful, noting that "it's never easy, and it can feel defeating—even painful—Especially when the emotional wounds are still fresh. However, one simple shift in perspective has the power to transform the value and meaning of a relationship."

If the blame cycle feels impossible to defeat alone, you and your partner(s) can try couples counseling. This is an excellent option for learning communication techniques together. Additionally, the blamer may have their patterns of thought and behavior challenged by a therapist and receive support in tracing these patterns back to their original source for healing.

With active involvement, practice, and willingness to do the work in the therapeutic process, couples counseling may help improve communication, understanding, and stuck patterns in a relationship.

Cultivating Healthy Relationship Patterns

Approaching conflict from a place of curiosity, care, and compassion can be a good place to begin when looking to change behaviors around blame. According to Ratush, you get out what you put in. "Commitment to the process determines a couple's success," he says.

Holding care, compassion, and empathy for ourselves and those close to us make positive outcomes much more possible. That empathy and compassion can lead us to forgiving both ourself and our partner(s) for missteps and mistakes, and it can allow us to remember that in general, we're all doing our best. Keeping in mind that your partner loves you and isn't trying to intentionally hurt you can help the blame reflex diminish.

Change may not happen immediately, but slowly and over time, you can transform the dynamic of your relationship into one that isn't centered around blame. "As each person demonstrates their commitment to taking responsibility, it compels the other to try and do the same," Ratush explains. Momentum in relational work is real and powerful."