How to Deal When You're Talking to a Conversational Narcissist

Hanging out with people is supposed to be fun, with conversations that allow for some give and take between everyone. So when that one person—you know the one—constantly hogs the spotlight and can’t seem to talk about anything but themselves and their own life, it can feel exhausting and draining for everybody around them.

A fitting name has been given to this social siphoner: the conversational narcissist. So what exactly is conversational narcissism, and how are you supposed to deal when you find yourself in the presence of one? Let’s get into it.

What Is a Conversational Narcissist? 

Conversational narcissists tend to only talk about themselves, rarely engage others by asking about their life or their thoughts, and may sometimes completely dismiss others to bring the focus right back to themselves, says Leanna Stockard, LMFT, a therapist at LifeStance Health. In other words, it’s a very self-centered approach to conversation. 

12 Signs of a Conversational Narcissistic

 Here are some behaviors that may indicate someone in your life is a conversational narcissist:

• Interrupting conversations when they want to speak
• Maximizing the amount of time they talk about themselves 
• Routinely inserting their opinion into the conversation
• Acting bored or not engaging in conversations when it’s not about them
• Failing to ask about others’ lives, thoughts, or opinions 
• Waiting to talk versus truly listening 
• Not responding or reacting to shared news 
• Only asking questions that ultimately lead back to themselves 
• Loves to give long-winded monologues 
• Jumps at the chance to talk when others ask for an opinion
• Often brags about their own accomplishments and achievements
• Overlooks social cues that indicate others want to speak or share

Are Conversational Narcissists Actually Narcissists?  

When talking about your everyday conversational narcissist—be it a bestie, co-worker, or that one person in your friend group—they’re not necessarily a true narcissist.

Conversational narcissists don’t always meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) based on criteria outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. NPD is typically more menacing since it permeates all aspects of a person’s life—not just their conversations with others. Plus, people with actual NPD may generally be pretty good at chatting. 

“Folks with narcissistic tendencies tend to put on a facade to other people to appear that they are great,” Stockard says. “Narcissists do lack the ability to empathize with other people, but they can hold the facade that they actually care about what the other person is saying if the person is not in their inner circle, or challenging them.” 

She does add, however, that narcissists can be conversational narcissists with the people closest to them. In these cases, their motives are often to manipulate, blame, gaslight, and dismiss the other person.

Why Do Conversational Narcissists Act That Way? 

The thing about conversational narcissists is that sometimes they don’t even realize they’re doing it, and/or they may not possess the skill set (yet) to fix the issue. Others may notice and simply not care or know how to change.

Insecurity 

Low self-esteem and insecurity is a common cause. When people don’t feel great about themselves, they end up oversharing and acting strangely. “Sometimes they are looking for others to validate them, and some try to prove they are worthy to themselves and others. This is often attributed when someone feels insecure about themselves,” explains psychotherapist Lisa Brateman, LCSW.

Social Anxiety or Poor Social Skills

People who struggle with social skills may find themselves re-centering themselves in conversation since they don’t really understand when it’s appropriate to offer their input.

“Having difficulty with social skills can create anxiety going into conversations, and people may think of something to say, be fearful that they may forget it, and interrupt in order to get their perspective out there,” Stockard says.

She adds, “Additionally, folks that struggle with social skills may not be sure of what to say in a conversation, so they attempt to relate with other people by sharing a story about themselves where they have experienced something similar.”

ADHD Tendencies 

Some people diagnosed with ADHD may find it difficult to maintain focus in conversations, pick up on social cues, control impulses, or understand when to naturally let others take the reins.

“Due to this, folks with ADHD can find themselves interrupting conversations when something pops into their head, changing the course of the conversation to the additional topics that they have made connections to, or bring the conversation back to themselves due to the focus lost and being unsure what to say,” Stockard says.

This is why it's important not to judge too quickly or harshly if someone shows signs of conversational narcissism. You may not know what the intention and source of these behaviors are and it's best not to assume.

Pure Ego

Of course, some conversational narcissists are just plain ego-driven. They love the sound of their own voice, think their opinions are superior to everyone else's, and seek out the spotlight since they believe they deserve to have the light shining brightly upon them.

How Conversational Narcissism Impacts Relationships 

Conversations can help people feel closer and more connected by sharing and discussing thoughts, ideas, experiences, and opinions with mutual respect and consideration. When one person monopolizes conversations, especially if it happens on a regular basis, it prevents that closeness and connection from happening. 

“[This can] influence everything in the relationship,” Brateman says. “The listener or audience will feel disrespected, ignored, devalued, lonely, and negatively impair mental health.” 

What ends up happening is that you may distance yourself from conversational narcissists, not include them in group gatherings, or decide not to engage or share with them the same way you would with others.

How to Deal With a Conversational Narcissist 

It may feel awkward, but if you care about this person and want to keep them in your life, the best course of action is to clearly and honestly communicate your feelings and requests with them using plenty of "I"-statements.

“I recommend handling a conversational narcissist initially with an open and honest conversation about what they are doing and how it is impacting you,” Stockard says. “If the person you are speaking to is not a narcissist, and has other reasons for commandeering conversations, they should be able to empathize with your perspective, understand where you are coming from, and will want to work on improving this.” 

If you know the person’s intentions are coming from a good place, she adds that it’s also helpful to soften the blow by saying you understand their good intentions. In cases when you want to go the extra mile, you can discuss potential strategies that may be helpful for them.

Brateman says that the other person likely won't be "cured" right away, and that it may take several gentle and consistent reminders if the pattern is deeply entrenched for them.

Basically, you don't need to come out with guns blazing to steer the spotlight away from the conversational narcissist. If they do keep at it, give yourself permission to walk away and engage with others who are more democratic when it comes to conversing.

Are You a Conversational Narcissist?

If you think you might be a conversational narcissist, self-reflection is step number one in fixing the problem. From there, you can work on a few things.

• Use Active Listening Skills: "When you are in a conversation, take the listener role and repeat back what you heard and understood from the other person before you share your perspective,” Stockard says. You can also show you’re listening by making eye contact, facing the other person, and nodding your head.
• Ask Questions: Don't feel like you need to carry the entire conversation by talking about yourself. The key to connecting with others is to learn about them and ask questions about things you are curious about.
• Look For Non-Verbal Cues: Be on the lookout for signs that others way to chime in. This may look like raising a hand or finger, leaning inward, taking a big inhale, or trying to start talking. Give others room to share and encourage them to do so.
• Prepare Yourself: “Before meeting up with people, go in with a mindset and intention to not talk about yourself, to not share a story where you’ve experienced something similar, or share your perspective or opinion unless the other person asks,” Stockard says.

Even if you’re not a true conversational narcissist, you can still benefit from working the above into your interactions.