How to Forgive: 5 Tips for Letting Go and Moving On

Holding a grudge or staying angry may hold fleeting appeal, but in reality, it's super emotionally draining.

People say it all the time, but it's true that forgiveness brings many benefits, particularly to the "forgiver," but it's not always easy. In fact, many people who would like to let go of anger and forgive are stumped with the question of how to forgive someone.

Forgiveness is hard, especially when you feel like you were significantly wronged. But learning how to forgive will be highly beneficial to your mental health in the long run. There are many unique perspectives on how to forgive, but we've got a few tried and true strategies that'll help you get started.

Express Yourself

In contemplating how to forgive someone, you might wonder if you need to discuss the problem before you can forgive them. It may help to express your feelings to the other person, but it also might not.

If the relationship is important to you and you would like to maintain it, you might find it helpful to tell the other person—in non-threatening language—how their actions affected you. Exploring different conflict resolution tactics can help you plan this conversation. For instance, it's worth using "I" and "I feel" statements, rather than more defensive "you" statements.

But, If the person is no longer in your life, if you want to end the relationship, or if you have reason to believe that things will get much worse if you address the situation directly, you may want to just write a letter and tear it up (or burn it) and move on.

Writing it down, even though you don't plan to share it, can be a helpful part of forgiving someone. It still may help to put your feelings into words as part of letting go.

Write It Down (But Look for the Positive)

Journaling about a situation where you were hurt or wronged can help you process what happened and move on. However, the way you write about it and what you choose to focus on can make all the difference in easing the process of forgiveness.

Research suggests that it can be helpful to journal about the benefits you’ve gotten from a negative situation rather than focusing on the emotions you have surrounding the event. So try focusing on what you learned from the experience instead of ruminating over negative thoughts and feelings.

It can also be helpful to write about something unrelated. These strategies allow you to forgive and move on more easily.

So pick up a pen and start journaling about the silver lining the next time you find someone raining on your parade. Or consider keeping an ongoing gratitude journal so that you can practice forgiveness a little every day.

Cultivate Empathy

You don’t have to fully understand the reasoning behind what the other person did to you. When working on how to forgive someone, however, it often helps to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Research has shown that empathy, particularly with men, is associated with forgiveness, and can make the process easier. Instead of seeing the other person as "the enemy," try to understand the factors that may have influenced their actions and what they were dealing with. Were they going through a particularly difficult time in their lives? Have you ever made similar mistakes?

Try to remember the other person’s good qualities. Unless you have clear indicators otherwise, give them the benefit of the doubt, and don't assume that their motives were to cause you pain.

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Protect Yourself and Move On

You've likely heard the saying: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Sometimes it’s difficult to forgive if you feel that forgiveness leaves you open to future repeats of the same negative treatment.

It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not the same as condoning the offending action. It's perfectly OK (and sometimes vital) to include self-protective plans for the future as part of your forgiveness process.

For example, if you have a co-worker who continually steals your ideas, belittles you in front of the group, or gossips about you, their ongoing negative behavior can be difficult to forgive. However, you can make a plan to address the behavior with human resources, move to another department, or switch jobs to get out of the negative situation.

Letting go of your anger and trying to forgive will bring the benefits of forgiveness without opening you up to further abuse. You don’t need to hold a grudge in order to protect yourself.

Get Help If You Need It

Sometimes it can be difficult to forget about the past and forgive. This is particularly true if the offending acts were ongoing or traumatic.

If you’re still having difficulty knowing how to forgive someone who has wronged you in a significant way, you may have better success working with a therapist. A therapist can help you work through your feelings on a deeper level and personally support you through the process.