How to Give Feedback Effectively and Respectfully

Sometimes giving feedback can be even more stressful than receiving it. After all, we want our words to be helpful and constructive, but we also don’t want to make anyone feel bad.

It's normal to be nervous about how the other person will respond to your comments. After all, a negative reaction might hurt your relationship and make it harder for you to communicate in the future.

That's why learning how to give helpful feedback is so important.

According to Jamie Levin, a strategic communications consultant, feedback can help foster growth, contribute to effective communication, resolve conflicts, and improve motivation. "Of course, these benefits are often only noticed if the parties involved are open to giving and receiving feedback," she explains.

The good news is that you can give your honest opinions in a way that doesn't make people feel bitter, angry, or downright unappreciated.

Types of Feedback

So, what exactly do we mean when we talk about feedback? It can involve any situation where we make comments based on our direct observations. What separates feedback from criticism is that it is intended to help us learn and improve our performance.

The type of feedback that we give often depends on our goals and the situation. Giving the wrong type of feedback at the wrong time can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or conflict.

Some common types of feedback that you might give include:

Informal Feedback

Informal feedback is the type of feedback you probably give the most—sometimes without even thinking about it. It tends to happen naturally. It's often something people initiate or ask for on their own (like asking your co-worker, "How does this look?" or "Does this sound right to you?").

While informal feedback can be helpful, it can also be hurtful or harmful if it comes across as unsolicited advice. Telling a colleague what you really thought about their presentation (when they didn't ask for your opinion) is a good example.

Formative Feedback

Formative feedback, often referred to as constructive feedback, is designed to help us gain skills and improve our work. It involves pointing out areas where we can improve, which is super important when we are learning a new skill.

It's not necessarily about saying that there is anything wrong with what we've done. Instead, it is about pointing out some ways we might make it even better.

Constructive feedback is sometimes misunderstood as being purely negative. Such comments can point out problems, but the entire point is to help us learn and do even better.

Formal (or Performance) Feedback

Formal feedback is structured and used to assess how we perform in a specific role. Performance reviews and educational assessments are a few examples. Formal feedback often points out areas that could be improved, but it also highlights our strengths.

Performance feedback can help measure our progress and recognize how much we've have grown in our roles. It can also be helpful when it comes to achieving specific performance goals.

Consider the situation and the needs of the individual before choosing which type of feedback is the most appropriate. You can make your comments more effective when you deliver it with consideration and empathy.

The Five Rules of Effective Feedback

Generally speaking, there’s no universally agreed-upon set of rules for how and when to give feedback (although your workplace or organization might provide some specific guidelines to follow).

Levin says that how people perceive your feedback depends on several factors, including how you speak, the communication channel you use, whether there is an audience, and the context. Whether or not the other person is open to hearing what you have to say is also a critical factor.

Some basic recommendations that can help make sure your feedback is helpful and not hurtful.

Choose the Right Time

It's essential to give feedback in a timely manner. Don't wait until too long after a project is finished or a performance has been given to provide your comments. 

Delivering it too soon can also create problems, particularly if comments are more critical in nature. For example, someone enjoying a sense of accomplishment after giving a presentation might not be receptive to feedback that describes things they did wrong or ways they could have done better.

Most importantly, make sure that the feedback recipient knows they are going to be getting feedback. Don't blindside people with surprise performance reviews.

Be Clear and Specific

Avoid making vague comments or general statements about how a person did. Instead of saying, "You did good," give specific details and explanations.

For example, you might say something like, "I think you really handled [this situation] well by [taking this action]."

Be sure to utilize non-verbal communication that reinforces what you are saying. Frowning when you're complimenting the other person might cause mixed signals.

Focus on Actions, Not Personality Traits

Feedback should focus on a person's specific behaviors and actions, not on their traits and characteristics. Attributing performance to a person's character can lead to feelings of anger or defensiveness, particularly when feedback centers on addressing problems in performance.

For example, instead of saying someone is "unmotivated" or that they "lack commitment," you might say something like, "I noticed that you seem to be struggling to feel excited about this project" or "It appears that you missed your last three deadlines."

When people think outcomes are caused by personal characteristics that can’t be changed, feedback is less likely to result in change. However, shifting this perspective to focus on how people can take action to improve can help them feel more motivated and capable.

Take a Balanced Approach

Great feedback should include both positive and constructive comments. If you go a little too heavy on the constructive feedback, the other person is much more likely to walk away feeling pretty terrible about themselves. In other words, focusing too much on what they're doing wrong can be upsetting, hurtful, and demotivating.

Instead, try providing some comments on ways people can improve and grow, but balance it by delivering recognition and acknowledgment of what they've done well.

Look for Ways to Encourage Self-Reflection

Feedback shouldn't just be a list of pluses and minuses. Deliver it in a way that encourages people to reflect on how they are doing, what they've done well, and ways that they might be able to improve.

How do you do this? Getting the other person involved is a great way to start. When noting things that might need improvement or areas that didn't meet expectations, you might ask, "What are some things you might do differently next time?" or "Do you have any ideas for how to change this?"

Examples of Positive and Negative Feedback

How you phrase your feedback can also make a big difference in how other people feel about it.

Positive Feedback Sounds Like...

Positive feedback is often easier to deliver. After all, most people welcome some kind words and compliments on a job well done.

For example, you might want to deliver positive feedback to an employee has shown consistently great performance. You might say something like, "I really appreciate that you took the initiative to finish the project in a timely manner. You're hard work and commitment definitely paid off!"

In other cases, you might want to deliver feedback meant to positively reinforce a team member's progress. You might say, "I'm really impressed by how much improvement you've made over the past few months. Keep it up, and you're really going to continue to shine!"

Negative Feedback Sounds Like...

Negative feedback can be a bit more challenging. This is where skills like balancing constructive comments with encouragement can be useful. 

When you need to call out shortcomings, you might say, "It's clear you put a lot of effort into the project, but a few areas need to be corrected. Let's talk about what we can do to help you make these improvements."

Using "I feel" statements when delivering negative feedback can also be helpful. Instead of phrasing feedback like, "You're always late," you might try phrasing it differently, such as, "I've noticed that you've been late several times this month. This has created some disruptions for other people in the office, so it's really important to be on time and respect other people's schedules."

How to Give and Recieve Feedback

Fortunately, giving (and receiving) feedback is a skill you can learn. "We learn a lot by being open to feedback and constructive comments,” Levin says, "It fosters healthy conversation, acceptance and shows that people have respect for one another."

When You’re Giving Feedback

Know Your Audience

Levin suggests thinking about the person who will be receiving your feedback. For example, if they prefer one-on-one communication, they might feel embarrassed or defensive if you give your feedback during a team meeting.

"Not only have you unintentionally made them feel this way, they may also be completely closed off to whatever feedback you provide as they may be so focused on how they feel rather than what you are saying," Levin says.

Give Feedback Privately

Try to give your feedback in a private setting. Even if your comments are balanced between constructive and positive statements, keeping this feedback private (or at least as private as possible) can help prevent feelings of embarrassment or defensiveness.

Suggest Solutions

Feedback should be more than a laundry list of problems. When there are shortcomings, try to be supportive and suggest solutions that can help the individual succeed in the future.

Ask Questions That Encourage Reflection

This approach can reinforce the positives while allowing the other person to think about improving things. You might ask the other person what they think went well and what they might do differently in the future.

When You’re Receiving Feedback

Try to Be Open-Minded

It isn't always easy to hear what other people say about your work. Stay open-minded and look at it as an opportunity to hone your skills.

Clarify Any Misunderstandings

Don't be afraid to ask questions if the feedback is unclear or confusing. Focus on being specific to ensure you understand what the reviewer or commenter is trying to convey.

Show Appreciation

Even if the feedback isn't exactly what you want to hear, thank the other person for their time and thoughts. It might not be easy, but it's a great way to show that you are willing to listen.

Give Yourself Time to Reflect

Avoid reacting immediately (like firing off an angry email to a co-worker or manager). Instead, give yourself time to sit with the feedback and decide what it means and how you might want to respond. You'll feel less emotional and defensive if you stop and take some time to reflect.

Try to Stay Positive

The fact is that getting negative feedback isn't any fun. Try to remember that feedback isn't meant to be a personal attack. Even though you might feel bad, remember that it's something that can help you learn and grow.

Recognizing Why Feedback Matters

Feedback can be an important tool for both personal and professional development. It isn't always easy to evaluate your own work, so getting others to offer their comments, experiences, and expertise can help you gain new insights.

It can also help you better understand how others perceive and relate to your work.

Good feedback can also be motivating. Positive comments from colleagues, supervisors, or clients can help you feel good about your work. Experts suggest that feedback is more meaningful when it comes from someone they see as a role model.

Sometimes, it's the constructive comments that give information about what might be missing that can be your greatest source of inspiration. This type of feedback challenges you to keep learning and growing. It gives you something to work toward so that you can see your progress and be proud of how far you've come.

Giving and receiving feedback can sometimes be challenging, especially since you don’t want to make anyone feel bad. It’s a skill worth working on, so be willing to accept some feedback on how you give it!

Honest, well-delivered feedback can be an essential communication tool that helps people learn, grow, and learn more about themselves. Practicing feedback skills—such as being specific, action-focused, and balanced—can help ensure that people welcome what you have to say.