What You're Getting Wrong About Your "Type", According to a Matchmaker

“What’s your type?” 

I ask all of my matchmaking clients this question. Some people love the classic tall, dark, and handsome archetype, while others can’t resist the irreverent energy of the Burner who is all about the Playa. Whatever we like, the answer isn’t always as straightforward as it seems. 

So, let’s explore what it really means to have a type, if our type is getting us stuck in a dating rut, and how to make room for more authentic, fulfilling love.

What It Means to Have a Type

Our “type” is more than a list of qualities we’re attracted to–it’s the lens through which we search for potential partners. Who we like is influenced by our societal conditioning, experiences, upbringing, fantasy, and the stories we tell ourselves about who we think fits into our lives. Appearance, personality, and family values also factor into the equation. 

Over time, our type forms into a mold in which we judge potential partners and gauge compatibility. We assess others through binary lists: positive, negative, pro, con, right, wrong, yes, no. We methodically check off the boxes to see if they match the physical and emotional expectations of who we think we *should* end up with.

It makes sense. In a world filled with billions of people and infinite possibilities, we have to narrow the field. Knowing our type connects us to how we view ourselves and provides direction, helping us focus on a smaller group of individuals we believe can bring us happiness. The trick is doing that while keeping our imagination open to the creative expression of love, which is beyond what we can individually dream for ourselves. 

How Our Type is Formed

Typically, we shape our type based on what we value growing up. Think about the crush on your best friend’s sister who gave you attention, sparking an attraction to the sweet, nurturing type. Or maybe you’re drawn to the alpha, successful entrepreneur because it was the opposite of what you saw at home. These early impressions form the foundation of our North Star–an inner compass that guides us to find our person. 

Attachment styles are part of the foundation of who we gravitate to. If we’re an anxiously attached person looking to prove ourselves, we might fall for an avoidant attachment style who is stingy with their reassurance. By healing our attachment style, we can get away from the same relationship patterns and lose interest in conditioned, negative beliefs about love.

The media objectifies these one-note caricatures, putting them on a pedestal. It also creates a harmful beauty standard of attraction by elevating images like the filtered K-pop idol with a six-pack or the girl next door who happens to also look like a glamorous bombshell.

As a matchmaker who has worked with thousands of singles, I’ve observed an interesting pattern come up. People tend to be intensely attracted to characteristics they’re familiar with or believe will complete them. Examples look like seeking a partner with an ultra-successful pedigree because they want to be part of a power couple, or wanting an emotionally vulnerable partner because they feel they lack that quality ourselves. 

When we are too rigid with our type (“They have to be 6” tall, they must work in X industry!”), the preferences limit us. We may miss out on deeper, stimulating connections that enable us to find wholeness. The partners fulfill a familiar script we’ve been playing out since childhood, and potentially a crutch into parts of us we need to develop.

How We Get Stuck in Ruts

When clients come to me, they’re deadset on who their type is. But if the same checklist keeps leading to the same results, why would another “perfect on paper” match yield a different outcome? 

Dating apps have become a dehumanizing game where we only accept dates with similar profiles. Eventually, we run out of matches and experience burnout believing no one is out there. A 2020 study shows dating app users reported higher levels of psychological distress, anxiety, and depression the more time they spent on the apps.

Don’t get me wrong—our “type” matters, but it's rare that our person will be exactly as we imagined. In fact, it’s more common that doesn’t happen. I’ve worked with countless clients who got into relationships with people who didn't perfectly match their checklist, but still got the things that mattered; like happiness, laughter, shared vision, emotional connection, and deep understanding. By looking past superficial qualities, they found something much more than fantasy fulfillment. They found love. 

How Can We Identify Our “True” Type

Finding our true type can be a fun experiment. We can explore connections without pressure and allow new connections to flow into our lives, prioritizing what feels right versus what sounds good. 

Understanding what we could authentically be interested in begins with being mindful of the things that we are attracted to. Here are some tips: 

• Go out on dates with new people. Contradating, dating outside of your type, is the number one way I shake it up with my matchmaking clients. I’m often allowed one date where I get to set them up with anyone I want—a match who wants the same things but may have a few traits they normally rule out. It gets them out of a rut and usually serves as a great learning opportunity. Every time, it presents fresh perspectives, and sometimes even a second date. 
• Ask trusted loved ones for feedback. Friends often see patterns in your dating life that you might not see. Get their take on the past people you’ve dated, what they’ve observed, and what qualities they think you should prioritize moving forward. It’s also fun to have your friends take over your apps for a night and swipe right on people you normally wouldn’t say yes to. 
• Write out a brand-new list of your type. This time, don’t list superficial qualities about their looks but list how you want to feel around them, how you want to be seen by them, and the healthiest version of a relationship you can imagine. Now, go date from that list.
• Have fun on dates. Avoid going into dates on resume mode, where you’re checking off boxes and ruling someone out over your criteria or because they’re not passionate about your niche hobbies. By letting go of expectations of how dates should go, you remain curious about other possibilities unfolding. 
• Practice mindfulness. As you date, stay mindful about who you’re drawn to and why. See why you automatically dismiss certain people and if you’re being too strict on your criteria. 
• Reframe your dealbreakers. There are certain dealbreakers that are valid based on the lifestyle you want to lead, but try relaxing on other specifics like height, age, education, or job title. You could find someone amazing by expanding your filters. 
• Work on your attachment style. Engaging in self-work and therapy can help track patterns and cultivate healthier behaviors. Working on a secure attachment style can shift your dating experience for the better. 

By trying out new things and following what feels good, we can update our idea of the type that we truly resonate with. This revision helps us step outside of preconceived notions, perhaps revealing that our type may be more than the early impressions we once imagined. Instead, our type can be the person who makes us happy and aligns us with our full selves. 

Takeaways

Dating what we know feels natural. However, these preferences can keep us cycling through the same types without much change. When we liberate ourselves of expectations, we allow ourselves to find love that's not defined by our past experiences or what society tells us we should want.

When I think about love, I often muse over this quote from Rumi: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” It’s a reminder that sometimes the easiest pathway to love comes when we break down all of the limits we’ve unknowingly placed around it.