How to Manipulate or Disarm a Narcissist When You're in Danger

A narcissist is a person who has an inflated sense of self-importance. They often have a deep need to be admired. They revel when they are in the spotlight and pout when they are not. It’s important not to conflate being vain or self-centered with narcissism. Narcissism is a diagnosable personality disorder, and most narcissists have little to no emotional intelligence and lack empathy for even the people closest to them, such as family, friends, or romantic partners.

While not all narcissists are dangerous, you’re at risk of putting yourself in emotionally or physically dangerous situations when you have one in your life. While they might seem incredibly confident, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem, and it’s easy to set them off.

Narcissists are known for their grandiose self-image, the need for reverence, and their lack of empathy towards others. But beneath this deceptive facade lie some deep-seated insecurities and vulnerabilities, like fear of failure or rejection, that can be recognized and strategically used against them in times of dire need or danger, says Lindsey Tong, LCSW, the Clinical Director at Profound Treatment.

When one finds themselves in potentially dangerous interactions with someone exhibiting narcissistic behaviors, understanding how to temporarily influence their behavior can be crucial. That said, it's important not to make assumptions, as it may be more difficult than you think to recognize true narcissism.

This article outlines how understanding and carefully manipulating a narcissist’s vulnerabilities can save you from harm in potentially unsafe scenarios. These strategies are not recommended for communicating within a healthy relationship, or within a relationship that you plan to stay in long-term. Manipulation should only be considered if it's the safest way to navigate a dangerous situation.

Strategies for Manipulating a Narcissist

If there’s a narcissist in your life, it’s crucial to learn ways to manage their behavior and protect yourself, especially in situations where your safety is at risk. These strategies can help you manage such situations and give you the time needed to safely exit the relationship if you feel you're at risk of being physically or psychologically harmed.

If you're not having your needs met, whether the narcissist in your life is a friend or a romantic partner, it may be time to consider ending that relationship.

Fawning and Flattery Techniques

Using fawning and flattery is one of the most effective ways to manage a narcissist when they’re being difficult. Narcissists delight in anyone who showers them with praise. Appealing to their vanity can help you temporarily pacify them, giving yourself time and space to remove yourself from a problematic situation or get them to behave more positively.

If they are fussy about their appearance, compliment them effusively. Tell them they have a great sense of fashion or that they look attractive. Don’t hold back on praise, even when it seems undeserved. Make them feel valued by asking for their opinion or guidance, even with little things you likely don’t need help with. Fawning and flattery can help the narcissist in your life be more cooperative and less volatile.

Narcissists mask their insecurities with a false sense of superiority. And knowing that they’re seeking validation from others is what one can use to their advantage.

Tactful praise will most likely disarm them and possibly make them vulnerable, which a victim can use to their advantage to escape a situation, says Dr. Leslie Sanders, the Program Director at AToN Center, a Drug and Alcohol Treatment Center.

Appealing to Their Ego

No one has a bigger ego than a narcissist, and knowing when and how to appeal to their ego can help you skillfully gain temporary control over their actions and behavior. It’s crucial not to overplay your hand; try to be subtle and seemingly genuine. For instance, if a situation at work is causing them to lash out at you, prop up their ego by emphasizing their importance to the team or project.

Another way to boost their ego is to ask for their opinions and guidance on even the small stuff. Their inflated sense of self makes them feel not just valued and respected but indispensable in your life. Asking questions like “What would you suggest I do here?” or “How would you handle this challenge?” gives them a sense of control and importance.

Narcissists will typically try to make anyone who opposes them wrong, whereas they’ll befriend someone who agrees with their false sense of grandiosity. By adding to their ego, a narcissist will definitely confide in you in some capacity, which, again, can be leveraged, says Dr. Sanders.

Leveraging Their Insecurities

It might seem at odds with their overly confident personalities, but most narcissists are riddled with insecurities. You can take advantage of these vulnerabilities to control their behavior when worried for your well-being. Pay attention to the things that make them defensive or overly sensitive; these are usually their areas of insecurity.

Using a person’s insecurities against them likely goes against your ethos. It can also cause them long-term psychological harm and even escalate the situation you are trying to manage, especially if the narcissist feels exposed or humiliated. It’s crucial to use this strategy carefully, focusing on protecting yourself rather than maliciously hurting the other person.

While the intention behind this might be self-protection, one should also reflect on moralities that lie within deceitfulness, says Dr. Michelle Dees, a board-certified psychiatrist at Luxury Psychiatry Medical Spa. Ethics are not fixed, and their surroundings change depending on the intent and context involved in manipulating others’ behavior towards us.

In certain situations, the narcissist may respond by lashing out. They may retaliate by becoming more hostile or also prey on your insecurities, creating a vicious cycle of negativity that will likely be more harmful to you than them. So, it’s essential to be tactful and focus on de-escalating the situation.

Your goal should be finding ways to navigate the relationship safely, not perpetuating harm. Use this strategy only when necessary to protect yourself or diffuse a dangerous situation.

Creating a False Sense of Control

When a narcissist believes they are in control, you can subtly guide them away from behaviors and actions that may be harmful to you. Narcissists feel a need to dominate people and situations; if they sense they are not in control, they may lash out. Creating a false sense of control doesn’t require relinquishing your power. Frame your ideas and requests as if they’re theirs so they feel like they are in the driver’s seat.

Another approach is to offer limited choices that lead to the same outcome you desire. Presenting options allows them to feel they are making the decision. For example, if you need them to complete a task, you might say, “Would you prefer to handle this project today or tomorrow?” Regardless of their choice, the task gets done within your required timeframe.

You can also weave in other techniques, such as appealing to their ego or fawning over them. When they make a decision beneficial to you, overpraise them; not only will this boost their ego, but it’ll also encourage them to continue making similar decisions that work in your favor. 

Ethical Considerations and Potential Consequences

Manipulation is one of a narcissist’s favorite tools for dominating and controlling other people. While it may seem justified to employ the same strategy against them for your safety, any scenario in which you influence another person’s behavior for your benefit requires some level of deceit, which can harm the narcissist emotionally and undermine your image with not just them but also people close to you observing the dynamic between you and the narcissist.

Manipulation is defined as the act of controlling someone’s behavior or feelings without getting their permission, says Dr. Dees. This poses a grave ethical concern, especially regarding respecting an individual’s autonomy. It is important to consider what could happen if we ignore somebody else’s right to decide for themselves.

The narcissist may also have a history of trauma or mental health problems, which can be worsened through manipulation, thus underscoring again how crucial it is that we think deeply before pursuing such tactics.

It may not seem like it at the moment when you’re trying to save yourself from harm, but it’s possible to cause even more emotional damage to a narcissist than they may cause to you when you use some of these techniques. Manipulating a narcissist also only provides short-term relief or control; it’s not a healthy long-term plan if you choose to keep the narcissist in your life.

Risks of Manipulation Tactics

In many cases, it’s nearly impossible for you to be a more skillful manipulator than a narcissist, which can lead to many of these strategies backfiring. Narcissists tend to be well-versed in these tactics and possess a high level of emotional intelligence to identify when these familiar strategies are being employed.

Narcissists tend to thrive on dominating and 'winning' conflict with their enemies. It may be prudent to tone down these strategies or back away from the narcissist towards the goal of self-preservation instead of trying to beat them at their own game of manipulation.

Controlling someone constantly is exhausting, especially if it goes against your nature. It can take a massive toll on your mental and emotional health, causing anxiety and making you disconnect from your true self. When deciding whether to use manipulation as a strategy to protect yourself when dealing with a narcissist, consider the personal costs to you and your mental health.

To sum up, although it appears reasonable enough to manipulate a narcissist for immediate safety concerns, this approach has many ethical problems that might have long-term effects on both parties involved, so alternative methods need consideration wherever possible, like seeking help from professionals in the mental health field or reporting the matter to authorities, Dr, Dees adds.

Exploring Healthier Alternatives

Manipulation is risky and unethical. It should be your absolute last resort if you find yourself backed into a corner by a narcissist with no way out. It would help if you first utilized healthier strategies to maintain your relationship with them (if that is your goal). Set clear boundaries and communicate openly with them. Call them out when they’re being manipulative and controlling. 

You don’t have to do this alone; it’s easy to become overwhelmed quickly. Get the help of a therapist who can equip you with more sustainable and healthier strategies to manage your relationship. A therapist will also help you understand narcissistic behaviors and what triggers them. However, your well-being should be the top priority if you feel threatened or unsafe, not maintaining the relationship with a narcissist.

Focus on therapeutic approaches and strategies to unpack any insecure attachment styles, codependent tendencies, or inherent issues around self-worth that made you vulnerable to being ensnared by this narcissist’s abuse cycle to begin with.

You deserve to step into your whole sense of autonomy, boundaries, and self-compassion, free of toxic influences. We cannot change the narcissist, but we can explore how to rediscover and reauthor our own empowered narrative, says Dr. Daniel Glazer, a clinical psychologist with a special interest in trauma.

Narcissism and Therapy

You may have heard that a narcissist is less likely to admit that there is an issue with their behavior, which sounds like a complicating factor if you want them to speak with a therapist.

People with narcissistic tendencies struggle with self-awareness and often view their problems as the result of other people's shortcomings. Therefore they will seek out therapy or frame their problems to friends and peers through the lens of the person having total culpability.

Self-Care and Setting Boundaries

Dealing with narcissists can be emotionally draining and mentally exhausting. Prioritizing self-care will help you maintain your mental and emotional well-being when dealing with a narcissist. Self-care doesn’t just look like long walks and bubble baths; it’s also about setting clear boundaries and protecting your space.

How to Set Boundaries

Boundaries are crucial when interacting with a narcissist. Without them, you’ll quickly find yourself accepting harmful behaviors that threaten your emotional well-being. Some effective strategies include:

• Limit contact: Reduce the amount of time you spend with the narcissist, if possible, helping to minimize the emotional toll on you.
• Be clear and direct: Communicate your limits and what behaviors are unacceptable. For example, “I won’t tolerate being yelled at. If it happens, I will leave.”
• Stay consistent: If you set a boundary, stick to it. This way, you reinforce that your limits are non-negotiable.
• Use “I” statements: When communicating your boundaries, use a lot of “Is” to express how certain behaviors affect you. The focus should be on your feelings rather than accusing the other person. For example, “I feel disrespected when my opinions are ignored.”
• Get help: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who understand your situation and can offer support when you’re in a tough spot.

Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Dealing with a narcissist can unknowingly strain other healthy relationships in your life. You don’t realize it when you’re dedicating all of your energy and time to managing their emotions and neglecting other friends and loved ones who are more emotionally healthy for you.

Communicate openly and honestly with other people in your life, especially about your troublesome relationship. It can be tempting to remain quiet sometimes out of fear or embarrassment, but open communication with other loved ones will save you from losing yourself to a narcissistic relationship. Learn as much as you can about narcissism and how narcissists come to be. The more you know, the better prepared you’ll be to handle manipulative behaviors.

You need to be strategic and careful when dealing with narcissists, especially in potentially dangerous situations. While there are many ways to manipulate your interactions with them in your favor, it’s crucial to use these strategies cautiously and only to save yourself—not to cause harm. It’s also crucial to prioritize self-care and set clear, firm boundaries to protect your emotional well-being when dealing with a manipulative person.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to do it alone; get other people in your life involved, see a therapist, and if they are open to it, get the narcissist in your life to come to therapy with you. Know, however, that this may be difficult—a narcissist may not be willing to admit there is a problem.

While manipulation can sometimes be necessary to protect yourself, don’t forget that there are potential risks and long-term consequences. Where possible, opt for a healthier alternative, such as getting professional help.

Understanding what makes a narcissist tick can help you predict, prevent, and manage certain harmful behaviors without resorting to manipulation. Books like “The Narcissist You Know” by Joseph Burgo and “Disarming the Narcissist” by Wendy T. Behary provide detailed and valuable information about narcissists and how to handle them.

If you’re worried about your safety, organizations such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline and local mental health services can assist and save you from a dangerous situation. Your well-being and safety should be your most important considerations when dealing with a narcissist. Use the strategies above only in dire situations.