It's Time to Stop Playing Mind Games While Dating

So many of us are guilty of playing mind games while dating, but we often don't realize just how problematic they can be.

Does this sound familiar? It's the day after a great first date and you're rehashing the details with your friends. After getting their collective approval you pick up your phone to text your crush but one of your friends interrupts you: "Wait, don't text them right away, let them sweat a little!" Another friend chimes in, "Yes! Give it a day or two so you don't seem too eager, just play it cool".

It's odd how deeply ingrained these types of dating "rules" (read: games) are in our collective romantic psyche—waiting a few days to call, not responding to texts immediately, playing hard to get. They're so normalized and yet they're ultimately just keeping us from connecting with our romantic interests.

"Playing games is essentially about pretending not to care and trying not to look too easy, available, eager, or interested," says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. Dr. Romanoff explains that people alter their behavior and play games, especially in the early stages of relationships, to protect themselves.

Although being honest and vulnerable with someone you like can be hard, it can help build a strong foundation for a healthy relationship and is totally worth the risk.

What Do We Mean By "Playing Games"

We sometimes engage in mind games in relationships to try and maintain the upper hand or simply to keep someone interested or on the hook. Even the best-intentioned of us are guilty of this behavior.

These are some examples of games we might play:

• Waiting for the other person to make the first move
• Not responding to text messages immediately
• Waiting a few days to call someone back
• Not answering calls on the first few rings
• Not agreeing to last-minute plans, to avoid seeming too available
• Not going on another date with the same person in the same week
• Waiting a certain number of dates to sleep with someone
• Not introducing the person to friends, family members, or colleagues

Why Do We Do This?

We asked the relationship expert to unpack why we might play games in relationships and what it says about us.

We play games to manipulate people’s perception of us, Dr. Romanoff explains. “At the core, we believe that if we were to show up as ourselves, the other person would not be interested in us as we would appear too eager and therefore undesirable.”

Playing games is especially likely in the early stages of relationships. When we're just getting to know someone, it can be overwhelming to reveal ourselves completely—and also to be exposed to someone’s true self—all at once, says Dr. Romanoff. Therefore, she says we mask our true feelings to avoid being too vulnerable, for fear of scaring off the other person.

While it’s important to take your time to get to know someone, set healthy boundaries, and avoid putting too much of yourself out there in the beginning, playing games is not the answer.

"Playing games quickly transitions from a means of protecting ourselves to a method of manipulating our partners. It tends to be a way to control the other person and meet our needs, to the detriment of theirs," says Dr. Romanoff.

Why Playing Games Is So Not Worth It

These are some reasons why you shouldn’t play games in relationships and be more direct instead:

• Mistrust: Games often involve deceit or manipulation, which can make it difficult to build trust in the relationship. It can be hard to trust someone when you’re not sure if they’re interested in you or if they’ll show up for you.
• Insecurity: The person at the receiving end of the games may constantly find themselves wondering how their partner feels about them, which can cause a lot of insecurity and anxiety.
• Unhealthy power dynamics: Playing games can create a power imbalance in the relationship. One person may feel like they have the upper hand while the other person might feel powerless.
• Conflict: Playing games and manipulating someone can hurt their feelings or make them angry, leading to conflict in the relationship.
• Wasted energy: Engaging in mind games can take a lot of mental and emotional energy. This energy could be better spent on building a strong, honest, and loving relationship instead.

How to Avoid Them (And Be More Authentic!)

These are some strategies that can help you avoid playing games in relationships:

• Understand what’s driving your behavior: Dr. Romanoff recommends noticing your tendency to play games and tracing it back to understand what you’re trying to protect. For instance, you may be trying to protect yourself because you have emotional baggage from past relationships or because on some level you think you’re not good enough.
• Communicate honestly: Do your best to be honest and straightforward with your partner. Share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns with them openly, without worrying about how it’ll make you look. Tell them what you want and what you’re looking for.
• Be yourself: It’s important to be your authentic and genuine self in a relationship. Look for the person who loves and accepts you the way you are, instead of trying to manipulate someone to make yourself seem more desirable.
• Be consistent: Be consistent in your words and actions. Avoid giving your partner mixed signals, as that can lead to confusion and misunderstandings.
• Follow your instincts: Trust your gut! It's OK to let your feelings and instincts guide your behavior. If you felt like you connected with someone on a date and you want to call them the next day, don’t hold back. If you have feelings for someone and want to sleep with them, do it whenever it feels right—this could be after one date or after several months of dating.
• Allow yourself to take risks: Although being vulnerable and revealing yourself to your partner can be scary, it’s important to slowly learn to take small risks that help you connect with them, says Dr. Romanoff. You will likely find that being vulnerable with them encourages them to open up to you too, which can help deepen your connection and build intimacy in the relationship.
• Address issues directly: If something is bothering you, address it directly rather than resorting to passive-aggressive behavior or mind games.
• Avoid provoking jealousy: Avoid trying to make your partner jealous to elicit a reaction from them. Instead, communicate your feelings of insecurity and work on building trust together.
• Clarify any misunderstandings: If you're unsure about something, ask your partner directly. Avoid assuming things or speculating about their thoughts or intentions.
• Work on finding solutions together: When conflicts arise, focus on finding solutions together rather than playing the blame game.
• Apologize for your mistakes: If you do make a mistake and engage in game-playing behavior, acknowledge it, apologize, and commit to communicating more openly in the future.
• Seek help: If you’re not sure how to handle a particular situation, it can be helpful to seek the advice of loved ones whom you consider your relationship role models. If you’re struggling to build a healthy relationship, talking to a therapist can help you explore your insecurities and improve your communication style.