How to Communicate With Someone With Addiction

Navigating conversations with someone in your life who is living with addiction can be challenging. How can you offer the person your love and support while, at the same time, avoiding miscommunication and protecting your boundaries?

Several communication strategies can help you show support and compassion in a healthy, effective way. Here are several to use when talking to a loved one with addiction.

Be Kind

Addiction is so stigmatized in our society that people with this type of disorder often expect others to criticize, insult, belittle, and reject them—which can be a barrier to their recovery. Instead, show the person you care by speaking to them with kindness and understanding.

You can accept a person with addiction without accepting their behavior. Even if you disagree with what they are doing or saying, it's important to withhold judgment. By taking this approach, you start to build bridges to forgiveness and aid in their recovery.

Choose Your Words Thoughtfully

Remember that language matters, and communicate as respectfully as possible. Some words can negatively influence how people with addiction feel about themselves and their ability to recover.

Avoid promoting harmful stereotypes about addiction. For instance, people often use the word "clean" to describe someone drug-free. However, the use of this word implies that a person with addiction is "dirty" when using drugs.

Also, avoid calling the person names like "addict" or "substance abuser" as both can be stigmatizing. Addiction shouldn't define who they are. Use person-first language, such as referring to them as a "person with addiction."

Educate Yourself About Addiction

Our society often blames people for their addiction, as if it is a moral failure on the person's part. Before speaking to your loved one, it's important to understand that addiction is a disorder.

The American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as "a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual's life experiences." If addiction involves the use of drugs or alcohol, people in the medical community more often use "substance use disorder" to refer to this disease.

Also educate yourself about the stigma surrounding addiction. Harmful beliefs including that people with addiction are selfish, lazy, and destructive are still common. Watch your tone of voice and speak to your loved one without using a blaming or accusatory tone.

At the same time, don't assume you know everything about the person's addiction simply because you do research. Each person with addiction is a unique individual with their own experience.

Listen More Than You Talk

An important part of communicating is listening to what the other person has to say. When someone with addiction confides in you, listen without interrupting or criticizing.

You don't want to make them feel like you're checking up on them or assuming the worst about their condition. You also don't have to make their addiction the main focus of every conversation you have.

Continue to ask them about their weekend plans or invite them to see a movie with you. Speak to them the same way you would someone without addiction. Remember that they are still a person with likes, dislikes, opinions, and desires.

Use Consistent Words and Actions

Communicate through your actions as well as your words. Remain consistent in your message so your loved one doesn't misunderstand what you want or expect of them.

For example, if you tell your partner that their drinking negatively affects you, don't offer to split a bottle of wine with them over dinner. You want to communicate your boundaries effectively with someone with addiction.

Communicating with someone with addiction can also be hard if you have a history of supporting their addictive behavior. They might be surprised you are speaking up instead of enabling or ignoring the addiction. Letting them know that they act in ways that hurt you may even motivate them to get help.

In general, use "I feel" statements to communicate with them. Shift from putting the blame all on them to taking responsibility for your part in the relationship.

Believe Them

If your friend or loved one chooses to speak to you about addiction, don't disagree with what they're saying. For instance, if they tell you they think they have alcohol use disorder, don't respond by saying "Come on, you don't have a drinking problem."

Your perspective on another person's addiction is not the reality of their experience. Trust that they know themselves. If they say they have addiction, believe them. Someone opening up to you about addiction is likely a sign that they trust you. Respect how difficult it might be for them to talk about their feelings and behaviors.

You also don't want to make excuses for them. Telling them that one drink "doesn't count," for instance, will only enable their behavior. Instead, do your best as their friend or loved one to show that you support them and their recovery.

Don't Tell Them What to Do

You want to help your loved one with addiction in any way you can, but you can't control exactly how they do it. They may have unconventional ways of looking at addiction, or maybe they're experimenting with alternative therapies or treatments.

As long as they aren't causing more harm to themselves or others in the process, you can show them that you respect their way of making positive changes. Rather than dictating what they must do, ask how you can help.

For instance, saying "Why haven't you gotten help already?" or telling them what they "should" and "shouldn't" do comes across as condescending. Avoid putting added pressure on them and instead, be a trusted friend that they feel safe with.

Summary

To communicate with a loved one with addiction, start by educating yourself, being aware of the language you use, and being consistent with your words and actions. You can support them while also supporting your own well-being. At the end of the day, let them know you care about them and will support them in any way you can.