Intimacy vs. Isolation: Forming Intimate Relationships With Others

In our 20s and 30s, close relationships become more important. Dating, marriage, and romantic commitments are important, but so are friendships and other social relationships. These connections provide the social support we need to thrive, which is why establishing solid interpersonal relationships is vital during young adulthood.

According to psychologist Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development, this stage represents a period he called "intimacy vs. isolation." It marks the sixth stage of his developmental theory and spans from approximately 19 to 40 years of age. It follows identity vs. role confusion, the fifth stage.

Erikson believed that people face conflict at each major stage of life. In the intimacy vs. isolation stage, this conflict centers on relationships. When we are able to navigate this period of life successfully, we end up having fulfilling, enduring relationships. Struggling, on the other hand, can result in loneliness and isolation.

Intimacy, According to Erikson

Although many associate the word intimacy with sex, Erikson believed that intimacy is characterized by closeness, honesty, and love—and is essential to emotional well-being. This stage is all about forming close, loving connections, whether romantic, platonic, familial, or otherwise.

Whereas one person might form healthy relationships with romantic partners as well as a circle of friends, acquaintances, family, and others, another person might lack the ability or desire to form social connections, healthy relationships, and general social support. This is the intimacy vs. isolation conflict.

Navigating this conflict successfully fosters the intimate relationships and supportive social networks that are so vital for physical and mental health.

The Benefits of Intimacy

Intimacy has very real benefits for mental and physical well-being. As experts often say, we're social creatures, so having a social network of people to lean on for support, guidance, and validation is pivotal.

People who successfully resolve the intimacy vs. isolation conflict are able to develop:

• Close romantic relationships
• Deep, meaningful connections
• Enduring connections with other people
• Positive relationships with family and friends
• Strong relationships

Intimacy has also been linked to a range of health benefits. This includes lower stress levels, more healthy behaviors, fewer symptoms of depression, and lower blood pressure.

Resolving the Intimacy vs. Isolation Conflict

Intimacy requires listening to, supporting, and sharing with others in a reciprocal relationship: The parties share equally.

Successful relationships entail support, intimacy, and companionship, but sometimes, things don't go smoothly. Rejection or other responses can cause withdrawal and erode confidence, self-esteem, and courage to reach out in the future, resulting in isolation.

Relationships aren't always easy for everyone for a number of reasons, however. Factors that can increase the likelihood of isolation include:

• Childhood experiences such as neglect and abuse
• Divorce or death of a partner
• Fear of commitment
• Fear of intimacy
• Inability to share thoughts and feelings
• Relationship experiences

No matter the cause, isolation can be detrimental, causing loneliness and even depression.

The Consequences of Isolation

In reality, struggling in this stage of life can leave people feeling lonely and isolated if they fail to form supportive relationships with others. Adults who struggle with this stage typically experience:

• Few or no friendships
• Lack of intimacy
• Lack of relationships
• Poor romantic relationships
• Weak social support

They might never share deep intimacy with their partners—or develop any relationships at all. This can be particularly difficult as their friends and acquaintances fall in love, get married, and start families. It can also lead to greater loneliness since people who have "settled down" often have less time to spend with their single, unattached friends.

Loneliness can affect overall health in other ways. For example, socially isolated people tend to have unhealthier diets, exercise less, experience more daytime fatigue, and have poorer sleep than their more social counterparts.

Loneliness and isolation can lead to a wide range of negative health consequences, including:

• Cardiovascular disease
• Depression
• Substance misuse
• Stress
• Suicide

Loneliness and social isolation are increasingly common in the U.S. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 33% of adults report feeling lonely, and 25% say that they do not have enough social and emotional support.

How to Build Intimacy

If you are wondering how to level up your intimacy, there are things you can do to help. The key? It's all about openness and vulnerability. Sharing time together is important, yes, but it also takes letting down your walls and letting people see the real, unfiltered you.

Some important tasks that can play a role in succeeding or struggling at this point of development include:

• Being intimate: This is more than just engaging in sex; it means forging emotional intimacy and closeness. Intimacy does not necessarily have to be with a sexual partner. People can also gain intimacy from friends and loved ones. Authentic, close connections are what matters.
• Caring for others: It is essential to be able to care about the needs of others. Relationships are reciprocal. Getting love is important at this stage, but so is giving it. That means being a good friend and partner. It means being there when people need you and offering the care and validation you expect them to give you.
• Making commitments: Part of forming strong relationships involves being able to commit to others for the long term. This might involve saying, "I do," but marriage isn't the only way to show someone you are committed to the relationship. Communicating, setting goals, and making long-term plans are also effective ways to show someone you are in it for the long haul.
• Self-disclosure: To get close to others, we must reveal details about ourselves. This involves sharing part of oneself while maintaining a strong sense of self-identity.

Importance of Sense of Self

Things learned during earlier stages of development also play a role in being able to have healthy adult relationships. For example, Erikson believed that having a fully formed sense of self (established during the previous identity vs. role confusion stage) was essential to being able to form intimate relationships.

Such findings suggest that having a strong sense of who you are is important for developing lasting future relationships. This self-awareness can play a role in the type of relationships you forge as well as the strength and durability of those social connections.

How to Overcome Isolation

If you are struggling with feelings of isolation, there are things that you can do to form closer relationships with other people:

Avoid Negative Self-Talk

The things we tell ourselves can have an impact on our ability to be confident in relationships, particularly if those thoughts are negative. When you catch yourself having this type of inner dialogue, focus on replacing negative thoughts with more realistic ones.

Build Skills

Sometimes practicing social skills can be helpful when you are working toward creating new relationships. Consider taking a course in social skill development or try practicing your skills in different situations each day.

Determine What You Like

Research suggests that factors such as mutual interests and personality similarity play important roles in friendships. Knowing your interests and then engaging in activities around those interests is one way to build lasting friendships. If you enjoy sports, for example, you might consider joining a local community sports team.

Evaluate Your Situation

What are your needs? What type of relationship are you seeking? Figuring out what you are looking for in a partner or friend can help you determine how you should go about looking for new relationships.

Practice Self-Disclosure

Being able to share aspects of yourself can be difficult, but you can get better at it through practice. Consider things you would be willing to share about yourself with others, then practice. Remember that listening to others is an essential part of this interaction as well.

Takeaways

Healthy relationships are important for both your physical and emotional well-being. The sixth stage of Erikson's psychosocial theory of development focuses on how these critical relationships are forged. Those who are successful at this stage are able to forge deep relationships and social connections with other people.