Why “Happiness Is a Choice” Is a BS Concept

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the phrase, “Happiness is a choice,” I would be a very wealthy woman. I bet someone in your life, at some point, has said this to you. And if it made you feel bad about yourself, you’re not alone.

While it’s true that we can choose how to react to situations or circumstances in our lives, we rarely get to choose those situations and circumstances themselves—and in that way, our happiness is not entirely up to us.

So when is “happiness” something we can choose, and when is it out of our control? Read on to find out.

First of All, What Can We Choose?

Say you get a bad grade on your midterm exam or a poor review at work. On the one hand, you could wallow in self-pity and blame external factors for your subpar results; or, you could learn from the experience and figure out what kind of help you’ll need to do better next time.

This is a situation in which you can, at least, choose not to be miserable—which is admittedly a very different thing from choosing to be happy. But for most people, maintaining a positive attitude in the face of hardship or adversity is a choice. In fact, it’s a skill you can practice. 

The concept of “resilience” has been proven to be a reflection of good mental health. Resilience means the ability to keep going despite difficult circumstances, and has actually been shown to be a protecting factor against the development of mental illness in the future.

“Happiness” can also be a reflection of your relationship with yourself. When you do something wrong, do you beat yourself up for days on end, or do you forgive yourself and recognize that everyone makes mistakes? When something bad happens to you, do you say “Oh, woe is me” and curse the world that has so clearly cursed you, or do you pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and try to figure out how to make the situation better?

If there is actually something you can do for yourself or others that will improve your circumstances, choosing to do that is a choice that will very likely support your happiness.

So, while “happiness is a choice” is a hollow and myopic phrase that makes it seem as though you should never be unhappy, it is true that you can make choices in your life that can make it easier to be happy. 

What Is Happiness, Anyway?

It’s hard to explain what “happiness” is, because it looks different to different people. Is it a lack of things to complain about? Is it being in a good mood all or most of the time? Is it being financially secure, in a stable relationship, or having lots of friends? The answer is all of the above. Not everyone has the same definition of happiness.

And to that point, we shouldn’t judge others for having a different definition of happiness than we do, or for being unhappy when we think they should be happy.

That means that, even if circumstances look favorable from the outside, there are always a myriad of reasons why things may not be what they seem. Who are we to decide who should be happy and who shouldn’t be, especially when we are not walking in anyone else’s shoes?

Also, the things that make you happy are not necessarily the things that make someone else happy. Maybe to you, financial stability is the key to your happiness, but to someone else, having a supportive network of friends is more important than making a lot of money. Both are valid! But that also means that the definition of “happiness” varies from person to person.

When Happiness Is Not a Choice

There are plenty of circumstances and situations in which “choosing to be happy” is not realistic or possible.

Clinical Depression

I have lived with some form of clinical depression for almost two decades, and I can personally testify to the fact that, when you are depressed, you cannot “choose” to be happy.

Depression is characterized by things like a consistent low mood or sadness, loss of interest or pleasure in things that you otherwise would normally enjoy, and hopelessness; in extreme cases, you might also feel suicidal. I have experienced all these things, and can say with absolute confidence that when I am in the throes of depression, happiness is not only not a choice, it is not even an option.

Do we really think that someone with depression has “chosen” to feel that way? That if they had the “choice” to be happy, they would actively choose not to be? No. No one wants to be depressed.

If you know someone who is depressed, please don’t ever say, “Happiness is a choice.” To them, it’s not. To them, happiness is an unreachable goal, at least until their depressive episode subsides. No one can will their way out of depression.

Low Socioeconomic Status

It’s hard to be happy when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from or if you’ll be able to pay your rent this month. And although it is certainly possible to maintain a positive attitude in the face of adversity, putting it in the framework of “happiness is a choice” greatly diminishes the hardships faced by those in dire financial straits.

By putting “choice” at the center of things, we make these circumstances binary: either you are happy or you are not. And life is not that simple. In actuality, “happiness” is a spectrum, not one single point—but the phrase “happiness is a choice” does not recognize this. Instead, that makes “happiness” a definitive destination that is easily obtainable—but it’s not.

I think many people, upon meeting a person living in extreme poverty who maintained that they were genuinely “happy,” might question that person’s sanity. That’s because we can recognize the difference between “resilience” and “happiness”—the difference between making the best of a bad situation and experiencing true happiness.

And while it’s not impossible to be truly happy while enduring difficult circumstances, saying “happiness is a choice” to someone who is suffering is insensitive and cruel.

Chronic Illness

I’m not sure there’s one among us who would tell a cancer patient that they need to be happy. And most people would be shocked to hear someone battling cancer or some other life-threatening condition describe themselves as “happy.” So why would we tell them that “happiness is a choice?” 

This, again, illustrates the difference between resilience and happiness. Resilience in the face of a frightening diagnosis has been proven to improve health outcomes; however, remaining optimistic, looking at challenges as an opportunity to grow, and focusing on your own personal strengths—all characteristics of resilience—do not equate to “happiness.”

So instead of saying “happiness is a choice” to someone living with chronic illness, instead remind them how strong they are and how much they mean to you; this will help them focus on the positive without the unreasonable expectation of maintaining “happiness.”

Discrimination and Racism

People belonging to BIPOC or LGBTQIA+ communities face hardships that people in the majority do not; namely, higher risk of a lower socioeconomic status and discrimination, and a higher risk of mental illness. Telling someone in one of these communities that “happiness is a choice” ignores all of these risk factors and quantifiable disadvantages.

While it is, of course, possible to be happy as a member of a marginalized community—it would be ludicrous to say you couldn’t be—saying “happiness is a choice” when someone tells you about an incident of discrimination or racism that they experienced is shortsighted and discriminatory in itself.

So, if someone is telling you about some discrimination they’ve experienced, rather than spouting “Happiness is a choice,” try your best to understand what they’ve gone through and show them support (e.g., “That sounds horrible,” “I’m sorry that happened to you,” “You didn’t deserve that,” “That behavior is totally unacceptable”). Feeling supported after incidents like this can lead to greater resilience in the future.

Final Thoughts

Although it is often within our power to adapt our perspectives about the things that happen to us—good or bad—the phrase “happiness is a choice” is a meaningless and myopic platitude that rarely takes broader circumstances into account.

And while it is possible for just about anyone to experience happiness at some point in their lives, telling someone it’s their choice and their choice alone does not accurately reflect the difficult and complicated world most of us live in.