Help! I'm Jealous of My Partner's Bestie

It is the lore of tragic romance stories, the plot of fated romantic comedies, and the challenge many couples face: One partner has a best friend they could be attracted to. This is often depicted in the media with a girl becoming increasingly uncomfortable with her boyfriend’s female best friend.

But, the truth is, this can happen in any gender dynamic. If there is a friend one party of the relationship could have attraction to—for example, a queer woman who is best friends with another queer woman—feelings of jealousy can arise. This is completely normal.

In a relationship, it can feel threatening to notice our partner having deep emotional intimacy with another person, let alone someone where attraction can arise. But, you probably don't need to panic. We’re here to help you sort through these complex feelings and figure out how to navigate being jealous of your partner’s bestie. 

So…You’re Feeling Jealous Of Your Partner’s Best Friend

The first step to solving most problems is awareness. If your partner has a best friend with whom you think attraction could develop, start by noticing how you feel about that person.

Are you happy that your partner has a close friend? Do you wish you could also have a close relationship with that friend? Do you feel left out when they grab lunch without you? Or, does your stomach churn with jealousy or anxiety when you see their name pop up on your partner’s phone? 

Even if you think there is no cause for concern, taking inventory of how you feel about the situation could be revealing. Jealousy gets a bad rap, but evidence suggests it is an evolutionary response to support keeping a relationship intact. Sure, it is often a maladaptive response since jealousy can result in negative experiences, but a response nonetheless.

Navigating Your Normal

Something to keep in mind in this situation is that every couple is different and every person will have a different set of values around what they're comfortable with.

Personally, I'm married to a man and I have a male best friend who has been in my life for nearly two decades. At the beginning of my relationship, I was prepared to answer any questions my now husband had, and had to think about how I wanted to facilitate a relationship between them. I knew my relationship with my husband was special. I also knew my relationship with my best friend was, too. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice either one. Maintaining thriving platonic relationships and having a deep romantic relationship is something I value deeply.

Luckily, they had some things in common. I organized casual hangouts where we could all get together—sometimes just the three of us, other times with more friends present. This offered an opportunity for my best friend to get to know who I am as a partner to my husband. And, conversely, my husband got to build a friendship with my best friend.

All that to say, we figured out how to make the situation feel totally normal and ultimately all parties involved felt more comfortable.

Finding Your Rhythm

Perhaps you are worried about the relationship your boyfriend has with his female best friend. They go out to lunch, watch movies alone together, and text throughout the week.

Maybe you’ve been assured he sees her like a sister, but something still gives you pause. How I navigated my friendship and relationship is just one way to do things. You need to figure out what feels right for you in your relationship. I turned to licensed marriage and family therapist Lauren Pietra for more insight. 

“Check in with yourself. Remember, jealousy is a normal human emotion,” she explained. She continued by explaining the various ways jealousy can be triggered. Sometimes we can feel jealous because someone else is getting something you want. "You may be jealous that your boyfriend’s friend is getting his time and attention. Or, sometimes jealousy is triggered by comparing yourself to someone else and feeling inadequate or not good enough,” she continued.

If you’re feeling stuck on how to get clarity on your feelings, Pietra recommends Tara Brach’s R.A.I.N. meditation. This recommendation is aligned with current research—mindfulness exercises can help decrease feelings of envy.

The Delicate Dance of Communication

Once you’ve gotten some clarity on how you’re feeling, it's time to communicate what you’ve learned. This may feel daunting and you might be imagining the various ways this conversation could go off the rails.

Pietra says reminding your partner that you trust them is an ideal starting point. “Remember to use I-statements and own the feeling that you are having (and working through) rather than blaming or accusing your partner,” she explained. 

If you notice your jealousy is rooted in your partner’s friend getting something you aren’t getting, like quality time, then you invite your partner to meet this desire. However, Pietra shares, it is important to present this as a desire, rather than something your partner has failed to do. “Framing it this way is less likely to trigger defensiveness in your partner,” she continued.

Lay Down Your Boundaries

While you’re communicating with your partner, you'll probably want to get into the nitty gritty of boundaries and agreements. According to Pietra, this offers an opportunity to invite your partner to share their own beliefs and values around friendships (and friendships with the opposite sex). You also get a chance to do the same. “So you can get clear together on what is appropriate or inappropriate in your specific relationship.”

I became curious about how folks can tell if the friendship between their partner and their partner’s best friend is problematic or if they’re simply jealous. Pietra was honest—that question is far too nuanced and personalized to each couple. However, there was one bottom-line issue. “Lying and secrecy would definitely be signs of possible boundary crossing.”

Finding Support

Ultimately, having solid friendships and strong romantic partnerships at the same time boosts our psychological well-being. Finding a path to harmony within your relationship and with your partner’s relationships is the goal. But, these situations can be complex and you might be challenged to find your footing moving forward.

If that is the case, consider entering couples therapy. This can offer an opportunity to have an unbiased third party present to help the two of you navigate this complicated terrain, develop boundaries that feel good for each of you, and build a thriving relationship. Not sure where to begin? We really love Octave’s couples therapy services.

Here’s to harmony in all your relationships—romantic and platonic alike!