Martyr Complex: What It Means and How to Overcome It

"Martyr complex" is a term that often gets thrown around in jest, but it can be quite a serious issue. A martyr complex is when a person ignores their own needs in order to meet the needs of others, explains Dr. Patrice Le Goy, a psychologist, and LMFT. Even though this sounds like a selfless act, people with martyr complexes may be unhappy, and their behavior doesn't necessarily serve those for whom they make sacrifices.

Although not a formal clinical diagnosis, the term martyr complex has come to be used as a shorthand for certain psychological patterns.

The term martyr originated in biblical times and while it was considered a positive attribute in that context, the same can't be said for it as a personality trait; martyr complexes are usually considered destructive.

The term martyr complex is often used in conjunction with victim complex because a person makes themself into a victim through their sacrifices. It has been used since at least the 1900s; Martin Luther King Jr. was quoted as saying, “The person who constantly draws attention to his misadventures and sufferings is in danger of provoking himself a martyr complex."

We'll look at who may develop a martyr complex, signs of one, how they develop, and how to overcome this issue.

What Kind of Person Is A Martyr?

Anyone can become prey to a martyr complex, but there are certain instances in which it might be more likely to occur. "There are several situations when you may identify someone as being a martyr, but a couple of examples that I think many people can relate to are at work and in families," says Le Goy.

She tells us that a martyr may "feel that they don’t trust anyone else to complete tasks and they need to do it themselves. In exchange, this person often expects recognition of their sacrifice, expansive praise, and gratitude from others and is disappointed and resentful when they don't receive it."

Examples of A Martyr Complex

Using the situations of work and family, someone with a marytr complex might create dynamics in which they overperform because they feel they have to.

In families, a martyr complex may present itself inside the home. "We also see this in families where one person may be very unhappy that they have to take on a particular chore, but they also don’t trust anyone else to do it properly," explains Le Goy. "Again, this person is more likely to do it themselves and complain about it rather than having someone else do an 'ok' job or one that doesn’t meet their standards," she adds.

A martyr complex can also manifest in friendships. A person might go along with what their friends wants to do even though they don't enjoy it, and then later complain that the friendship is imbalanced because activities are never their choice. They might be available and supportive when a friend is in need, but then not reach out when they are, later claiming that the friend isn't there for them in the same capacity as they offer.

Signs of A Martyr Complex

If you're worried that you or someone you know may be suffering from a martyr complex, here are some signs that can clue you in to whether or not you have cause for concern. Additionally, you may wish to take a personality test to determine if you have this complex.

• Can't say no: Le Goy says that martyrs have "difficulty saying 'no' to other people, even when you don’t have the capacity to do what is being asked. Martyrs find themselves feeling very resentful when they say 'yes' but powerless to say 'no.'"
• Passive-aggressive behavior: Martyrs are likely to behave passive aggressively.
• Poor boundaries: In addition to not saying no when they want to, a martyr may demand thanks and rewards for their actions.
• Lack of agency: Le Goy says that martyrs "often feel like the world is against them and they are a victim of their circumstances, rather than someone who can take an active role in improving their situation.
  
• Hero narrative: A Martyr will create a narrative that paints themself as the hero in a situation, swooping in to save the day as the only competent person.
• Going it alone: Because they don't trust the work of others, a martyr is likely to overperform and do more than they comfortably can, to their own detriment.
  

How a Martyr Complex Develops

No one is likely born with this complex. Rather, it occurs as a result of life circumstances. Says Le Goy, "being able or unable to meet your own needs is a learned behavior. Sometimes people have experiences where their autonomy is exploited or their boundaries are ignored."

A martyr complex can develop in adulthood, but it can also be the result of a difficult childhood. "When this happens in childhood (for example, due to a neglectful parent), this person may decide that they need to do everything for themselves and that other people are not going to reliably meet their needs," explains Le Goy. "You can see how this person could develop into someone who finds it difficult to say no, and also feels very resentful about having to do everything themselves,' she adds.

Martyr Complex vs. Savior Complex

They may sound similar because they involve selfless acts, but a martyr complex is not the same as a savior complex. That's because a martyr intentionally sacrifices their own needs and wants to help others, then expects praise for it.

Conversely, someone with a savior complex feels a strong need to "save" others as the "noble" thing to do, without necessarily expecting anything back in return. This can be problematic in the ways it may not allow others necessary personal responsibility.

Is A Martyr Complex A Good Thing?

Even though behaving selflessly might sound like a good trait, the intentions of someone with a martyr complex are such that it can't generally be considered a good thing. Le Goy notes that "while I think having standards for how you do things is important, relying on external validation and overextending one’s self are definitely behaviors that should be worked on."

She explains that "when we do this, we’re asking other people to meet needs that are impossible to be met by someone else," and says that "for someone with martyr complex, there is never going to be enough praise from others to make them really happy." In turn, she thinks a martyr complex should be addressed as an issue to overcome.

How to Overcome A Martyr Complex

Getting over a martyr complex begins with taking personal responsibility. "If someone wants to get over being a martyr, they need to recognize that no one else is going to be able to do it for them," instructs Le Goy. She says that a martyr will need to work on both setting boundaries and saying no. She notes that they'll need to stick with those boundaries and be "ok with it if they get negative reactions from people at first."

Martyrs may also benefit from therapy. "Some people will benefit from working with a good therapist who can help them understand why they have been prone to being a martyr and how they can work through it," says Le Goy. She also tells us that learning how to nurture oneself is necessary. "Whether it’s getting outside more, engaging in physical exercise, meditating, etc., their new activities should be things they are doing just for themselves—not to elicit praise from anyone else," she suggests.