What Does Secure Attachment Look and Feel Like? Plus How to Develop It

Secure attachment is pretty much the foundation of healthy relationships. It generally develops in early childhood, if we’re raised in a safe, secure, loving, and nurturing environment. It sets the tone for all our future relationships.

Secure attachment is characterized by love, trust, genuine affection, and a respect for each other’s boundaries, without possessiveness, overprotectiveness, or clinginess, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago.

In this article, we explore what secure affection looks and feels like. We also suggest some strategies that can help you cultivate it in your relationships.

Understanding Secure Attachment

Let’s take a quick look at attachment theory and understand what secure attachment entails.

Overview of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory was first developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1940s and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian developmental psychologist.

This theory is based on the idea that we're born with a natural need for connection and security—if our needs are met in childhood, we develop a secure attachment style; however, if our caregivers are not consistently available to us, we may develop a different attachment style.

These are the four attachment styles, according to attachment theory:

• Anxious-preoccupied attachment: People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style crave validation and reassurance in relationships. They tend to experience insecurity and fear being abandoned.
• Dismissive-avoidant attachment: The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is marked by independence and a tendency to avoid relationships and emotional intimacy.
• Fearful-avoidant attachment: Also known as disorganized attachment, this attachment style involves conflicting emotions and behaviors, such as wanting intimacy but pushing it away.
• Secure attachment: This attachment style is characterized by feeling comfortable with closeness and intimacy, being able to communicate feelings and needs in relationships, and being willing to seek help and support when needed.

Characteristics of Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is characterized by:

• Trust: Knowing we can count on our loved ones to be there for us when we need them.
• Honest communication: Being able to express our needs and feelings openly and directly.
• Empathy: Putting ourselves in others’ shoes and being able to understand their feelings with compassion and care.
• Self-esteem: Knowing we are worthy of love and respect.
• Resilience: Bouncing back from setbacks and challenges more easily and having the ability to successfully adapt to stressors.
• Healthy boundaries: Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, while respecting others’ boundaries.
• Balance: Valuing close relationships but being comfortable on our own.
• Intimacy: Being capable of and comfortable with emotional closeness and thriving in close, intimate relationships.

How Secure Attachment Develops in Childhood

Although no parent is perfect, secure attachment develops in childhood when caregivers:

• Meet our needs: When we’re hungry, they feed us. When we’re dirty, they clean us up. When we’re scared, they comfort us. This teaches us to trust others to meet our needs.
• Respond to us: They are sensitive to our needs and respond to us when we reach out to them, showing us that we’re important to them.
• Maintain consistency: They consistently provide the nourishment, comfort, support, and attention we need, creating a sense of safety and security.
• Allow exploration: They encourage us to explore our surroundings, knowing they'll be there if we need them. This fosters independence and confidence. “Secure attachment gives us room to grow,” says Dr. Daramus.
• Set boundaries: They establish clear and consistent boundaries, in order to keep us safe and healthy.
• Communicate effectively: They respond to our verbal and nonverbal cues, teaching us how to communicate our thoughts and emotions effectively.
• Encourage positive interactions: They create a loving and supportive environment with positive reinforcement, affection, and praise, nurturing our self-esteem.

Secure Attachment in Parenting

Attachment styles tend to develop in childhood, so if you are raising a child, you have the opportunity to influence their attachment style by being attuned to their feelings and needs. Below, we explore the importance of secure attachment in parenting and how to create it in your relationship with your child.

Benefits of Secure Attachment for Children’s Development

Research shows us that attachment has several benefits for children’s development:

• Self-worth: Secure attachment fosters a feeling of being loved and valued. This translates to a strong sense of self-worth.
• Emotional well-being: Children with secure attachment experience greater emotional security and stability. They are more likely to develop positive self-esteem, confidence, and resilience while coping with stress.
• Healthy relationships: Securely attached children form healthier relationships throughout their lives. They have a strong foundation of trust, empathy, and effective communication.
• Social skills: Secure attachment fosters the development of essential social skills. Children learn to cooperate, share, empathize, and resolve conflicts peacefully with others.
• Cognitive development: Securely attached children tend to have better cognitive development. They are more curious and confident in exploring their environment, which supports intellectual growth.
• Emotional regulation: Secure attachment promotes effective emotional regulation skills. Children learn to manage their emotions in healthy ways, seeking support when needed.
• Reduced stress and anxiety: Feeling secure and having a reliable caregiver to turn to reduces overall anxiety in children. They feel safe to explore their world without worrying about being abandoned.
• Physical health: Secure attachment is associated with better physical health as well. Children with secure attachment may experience lower levels of stress, improved immune function, and overall better health due to the positive impact of emotional well-being on physical health.
  

Strategies for Promoting Secure Attachment With Children

If you’re raising a child, these are some strategies that can help you promote secure attachment in your relationship with them:

• Meet their basic needs: Ensure your child is clean, nourished, and rested. This creates a sense of trust, safety, and security in their environment.
• Recognize their cues and become attuned to their needs: Notice and respond to your child's nonverbal and verbal cues. Are they hungry, tired, or frustrated? Meet their needs with care, compassion, and developmentally-appropriate responses to support skill-building and resilience.
• Maintain a routine: Offer consistent routines and structure, so your child feels secure and knows what to expect.
• Express affection: Show your love, affection, and warmth physically and emotionally. Hugs, kisses, gentle touches, and encouraging words can offer a sense of comfort and familiarity. Let your child know that they are valued, accepted, and loved by you.
• Be attentive and available: Be present and engaged during interactions with your child. Limit distractions and give them your full attention, showing them that you are interested in their world.
• Communicate positively: Use positive and encouraging language when interacting with your child. Offer sincere and specific praise, encouragement, and affirmations. Teach them communication, distress tolerance, and conflict resolution skills to boost their capability, self-esteem, and confidence.
• Validate their feelings: Help your child identify and express their emotions. Acknowledge their feelings, even negative ones. Let them know it's OK to feel sad, angry, or scared. Teach and model ways to process and cope with these emotions.
• Encourage exploration: Support your child's curiosity and independence. Encourage them to explore their environment, try new things, and take age-appropriate risks. Make sure the environment is safe for them and doesn’t pose any hazards.
• Set boundaries: Set clear and age-appropriate rules, telling your child why they’re important. Don't be afraid to say "no" to things that are not good for them. Let your child know there are consequences for breaking the rules, but be fair, flexible, and compassionate when you enforce any disciplinary measures.

Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

Although our attachment style tends to develop in childhood, it often affects our relationships well into adulthood. Let’s take a look at the role and characteristics of secure attachment in adult relationships.

Signs of Secure Attachment on Adult Relationships

Secure attachment in childhood lays a strong foundation for healthy adult relationships, promoting:

• Positive interactions: We enjoy talking to our partner and spending time together. Our interactions are characterized by warmth, affection, and mutual respect.
• Trust: We trust them and feel secure in the relationship, so there is minimal jealousy, possessiveness, or reassurance seeking.
• Honesty: We don’t feel the need for mind games and cryptic messages. Secure attachment allows us to communicate openly and honestly, because we trust our partner to listen without judgment.
• Vulnerability: We feel comfortable being vulnerable with each other, sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, needs, fears, and desires.
• Conflict resolution: Disagreements happen, but we can talk them out. Secure attachment helps us approach problems together, finding solutions that work for everyone.
• Balance: We enjoy our time with our partner but also maintain our own individuality. We can each pursue our work, friendships, and hobbies.
• Support: We support each other's goals, dreams, and aspirations. We celebrate each other's successes and provide comfort and encouragement during tough times.
  

How to Cultivate Secure Attachment in Romantic Partnerships

Remember, our attachment styes aren't set in stone. It is possible to change or shift our attachment styles in different relationships with different people.

These are some strategies that can help you cultivate secure attachment in your romantic relationships:

• Spend quality time together: Spend quality time with your partner, building meaningful rituals and enjoyable routines together.
• Communicate honestly: Talk to your partner about your feelings and needs. Actively listen to theirs. Avoid playing games and make it a habit to be honest with each other. 
• Work on building trust: Show your partner they can count on you. Keep your promises, follow through on commitments, be transparent, and show up for them.
• Be emotionally available: Be emotionally present in your relationship. Respond to your partner's feelings and needs.
• Be real: Share your innermost thoughts, fears, dreams, and desires with each other. Let your partner see your most authentic self.
• Avoid judgment: Be a safe and supportive space for your partner to express themselves authentically and feel valued, accepted, and understood with curiosity, care, and compassion.
• Support each other: Be supportive of each other's hobbies, careers, and personal growth. Celebrate each other's successes, achievements, and milestones. Comfort each other in difficult times.
• Work on solutions: When you face issues, take a collaborative approach to figuring out solutions together, instead of criticizing, blaming, pointing fingers, shutting down, or running away.

The Effects of Insecure Attachment

Insecure attachment styles include anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant attachment.

Let’s take a look at how these attachment styles can affect us, as well as some strategies to overcome them and be more secure.

Consequences of Insecure Attachment and Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

These are some of the effects of insecure attachment in relationships:

• Push and pull dynamics: Someone who is anxiously attached may constantly feel insecure. The tighter they try to hold on, the more their partner might feel suffocated and pull away. On the other hand, someone who is avoidant may be triggered by intimacy and try very hard to push their partners away.
• Communication breakdowns: Insecure attachment can make it difficult to communicate openly. Anxious partners might struggle to express their needs calmly, while avoidant partners might shut down or dismiss their partner’s concerns.
• Jealousy: Anxiously attached partners may experience constant insecurity and fear being abandoned, fueling jealousy and possessiveness.
• Fear of intimacy: Avoidant attachment can make intimacy and commitment feel scary. Avoidant partners might withdraw emotionally or sabotage closeness to avoid getting hurt.
• Difficulties with conflict resolution: Disagreements are inevitable, but with insecure attachment styles, they can be amplified. Anxious partners might become overly emotional, while avoidant partners might shut down or stonewall their partners.

Healing and Overcoming Insecure and Avoidant Attachment

Secure attachment can be learned and developed in relationships beyond primary caregivers. Even someone who had a rough childhood at home may have spent time with other families where they saw healthier relationships that they could learn from, says Dr. Daramus.

No matter how old you are, it’s never too late to adjust your relationship patterns and build healthier bonds. These are some strategies that can help you overcome insecure attachment:

• Identify your attachment style: Identifying your attachment style is the first step. It can be helpful to reflect on your behavior patterns from past relationships. Are you unable to trust your partner? Do you tend to break things off when they get serious? Do you send a lot of mixed signals?
• Reflect on the contributing factors: Think back to your early childhood experiences and how they may have influenced your attachment style. Reflect on your family dynamics and any significant life events that may have shaped your attachment patterns.
• Challenge negative beliefs: Challenge and reframe any negative thought patterns related to attachment. For example, instead of fearing that your partner will abandon you, focus on enjoying the present moment with them and trust that they will stay.
• Practice self-love: Practice self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Prioritize activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment, helping you cultivate a positive relationship with yourself.
• Develop healthy coping mechanisms: Learn to manage any unpleasant emotions, such as fear or anxiety, that arise in relationships. Techniques like mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and exercise can be helpful.
• Practice assertive communication: Communicate your needs and desires clearly, calmly, and respectfully. 
• Learn to listen: Work on your active listening skills and keep an open mind. Don’t just hear what your partner is saying, put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective.
• Seek therapy: Secure attachment can be cultivated through therapy, says Dr. Daramus. “If you’ve had traumatic relationships with your family, a mental health professional can help you understand and heal your beliefs and relationship patterns.” If you're in a relationship, couples therapy can be helpful for you and your partner.
• Be patient: Healing and overcoming insecure attachment is a process that takes time, effort, and patience. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
• Practice acting in a securely attached way: If you have an insecure attachment style, try taking small steps toward becoming more independent, resilient, and self-soothing. If you have an avoidant style, try initiating intimacy and practicing vulnerability with people you trust.
• Increase your emotional awareness: If you’re unable to process and manage your emotions, you may be more reactive in relationships, which can reduce attachment security. Learning to express and process your emotions makes you better able to communicate and be in relationships that may trigger difficult feelings.
• Seek out people who are securely attached: You can improve your relationships and attachment style by engaging with securely attached people in healthy relationships. Notice how they act and think. Observe and ask questions. Being in relationships with securely attached people can support your own journey toward secure attachment.

Takeaways

Cultivating a secure attachment style is possible with intention, mindfulness, and effort. If you have an insecure or avoidant attachment style, it is possible to change or shift your style with different people in different relationships.

By recognizing the impact of your attachment style on your relationships, you can work on improving it. Remember, we are not limited to our attachment style and that it is just one way of looking at interactions with ourselves and others. Attachment styles are not set in stone and can evolve over time.

Regardless of your attachment style, know that you are worthy of love, connection, and care.