How to Set Boundaries With Your Adult Children

You raised them, loved them, and launched them into the world. Now your kids are adults with lives of their own. It's a beautiful thing, right? Absolutely. But let's be real: navigating relationships and boundaries with adult children can also be a little...tricky.

We want to support their independence while still maintaining our own sanity and well-being. The goal is to figure out how to love our adult kids without losing ourselves in the process. That's where boundaries come in.

“Boundaries define how we’d like to be treated by others. For parents, specifically with adult children, setting boundaries is about promoting healthy relationships and mutual respect,” says Carly Harris, LMFT, Family Program Director for Young Adult Services, Newport Healthcare.

As our children go from childhood to adulthood, we need to adjust our boundaries with them as our relationship with them redefines itself, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

Recognizing the Need for Boundaries

Setting boundaries with your adult children might feel counterintuitive to the unconditional love you hold for them. However, it’s essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, because boundaries protect your well-being as well as your children’s. Here’s how:

• Maintaining mutual respect: Boundaries help define what is acceptable and what isn’t in the parent-child relationship. This mutual understanding fosters respect and helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
• Encouraging independence: Establishing boundaries encourages adult children to take responsibility for their own lives. It supports their growth into independent, self-sufficient individuals who can make decisions and handle challenges on their own.
• Preserving parental identity: As parents, we often define ourselves by our children. Having clear boundaries is essential for protecting our time, energy, and identity outside of the parent-child relationship. It ensures that we can pursue our own interests and needs without feeling guilty.
• Preventing resentment: Overinvolvement can lead to feelings of resentment on both sides. Boundaries can help prevent this.
• Strengthening relationships: Healthy boundaries can lead to more positive interactions. When parents and children know and respect each other’s limits, it can lead to more harmonious and supportive relationships.
  

Understanding Your Children's Adulthood

Understanding that your children have transitioned into adulthood is crucial for setting effective boundaries. This involves recognizing that they are individuals with their own lives, hopes, dreams, and challenges. The experts help us explore what that might look like.

Promoting Autonomy

By treating your children like adults, you can encourage them to take responsibility for their own lives. This includes letting them handle their health, lifestyle, finances, relationships, and career decisions independently.

One of the markers of launching our children successfully into adulthood is trusting and facilitating their independence in a way that sets them free with the confidence to navigate the world, says de Llano. “This requires setting up firm yet flexible boundaries that gives them a sense of personal responsibility as well as an ability to take risks and make decisions.”

Accepting Their Decisions

Your children need to make their own decisions, even if their choices differ from your expectations, values, or principles.

Chances are they’ll make mistakes along the way, but you have to let them learn their lessons. Allowing adult children to problem solve without interference teaches them to manage the challenges of everyday life, says de Llano.

“It’s important to recognize that adulthood means autonomy, and as parents we really do need to respect that. Sometimes our adult child just doesn’t want to listen to our advice and that’s okay,” says Harris.

Respecting Their Boundaries

Just as you're setting rules, your children might be too. It's essential to respect their boundaries and give them the space they need to explore their careers, relationships, and interests without interfering.

“We can provide light guidance as they navigate setting their own boundaries, but again, we have to allow them to make their own decisions through their own autonomy over their lives,” says Harris.

Recognizing Their Individuality

As your children grow up, it’s important to let them become their own people. “Adulthood is about defining one's own person outside of the family system—this is a process of self-discovery where the child may develop differing opinions, ideas, and even values that lead to self-differentiation,” de Llano explains.

As much as you might wish them to, your child may not have the same beliefs, values, and priorities that you do. You also can’t use the timeline you followed as a young adult to judge your child’s progress or success because times change, says Harris.

As parents, we need to support our children without feeling the need to bend them to our will, in order to help them form a solid sense of self that includes positive self-esteem and the ability to forge their own path in life, says de Llano.

Building New Relationships

Perhaps the most important part of understanding your child’s adulthood involves building a new relationship with them. “At this developmental phase, it's appropriate to focus on being a mentor rather than a director in your child's life,” says Harris.

Setting and Modeling Healthy Boundaries

These are some strategies that can help you set and model healthy boundaries with your adult children:

• Recognize your needs: Identify your own needs and limits. Understand what boundaries are important for your well-being and why they matter.
• Communicate honestly: Have an honest conversation with your children about your boundaries. Clearly outline what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Explain your reasons and ask for their inputs.
• Be flexible: Boundaries need to be adapted to the needs, personality, and individuality of each child, says de Llano. “Rigid boundaries can push people apart, whereas permissive boundaries can cause too much fragmentation.” Research shows that it’s important to be open to discussion and negotiation while setting boundaries.
• Learn to say no: When your children make requests that violate your boundaries, learn how to say no without feeling guilty.
• Lead by example: Model the behavior you expect from your adult children. Respect their boundaries as you expect them to honor yours.
• Enforce your boundaries: If you set a boundary, stick to it consistently. Being inconsistent can confuse your children and make it hard for them to take you seriously.
• Prioritize your well-being: Practice self-care and make your own physical, mental, and emotional well-being a priority, showing your children that it's okay to prioritize personal needs.

Defining Personal Limits

These are some examples of setting boundaries and modeling ideal behavior with adult children.

Finances

Boundary: "No, I won’t be able to lend you any more money, but I’m happy to help you polish up your resume so you can apply for a job.”

Model behavior: Show your children how you manage your own finances responsibly and discuss your budgeting strategies with them.

Time and Availability

Boundary: “I love spending time with you but I already have plans today. I wish you would give me some notice before coming over, so I can make sure I’m available.”

Model behavior: Reciprocate the favor by checking your children’s availability before making plans and not showing up unannounced.

Chores

Boundary: “If you’re going to live with us for some time, you need to help out around the house. Let’s make a list of some chores you could do.”

Model behavior: Be neat, clean, organized, efficient, and hands-on, so your children learn what self-sufficiency looks like. Assign them age-appropriate chores from a young age, so they're involved in the housework.

Personal Space

Boundary: “We’re happy for you to use the kitchen, but please clean up after yourself when you’re done instead of leaving a mess for the next person."

Model behavior: Respect your children’s personal space and don’t misuse it.

Belongings

Boundary: "Please let us know before borrowing something, otherwise we cannot find it when we need it."

Model behavior: Don’t help yourself to your children’s belongings. Ask before borrowing something and return it in a timely manner.

Seeking Support

If you or your children are struggling to set healthy boundaries with each other, you may find it difficult to interact with each other without negativity or conflict. This can take a toll on your relationship and harm your family dynamics. Seeking support can help you resolve some of these issues and build a healthier relationship with each other.

These are some forms of support that may be helpful:

• Therapy: A therapist can help you set boundaries and improve your communication. Family therapy may be particularly helpful in this scenario.
• Counseling: Many communities and organizations offer counseling services that can provide support and advice.
• Life coaching: Life coaches can help with personal development, goal setting, and communication. They can help you or your children figure out your lives and learn to be more independent of each other.
• Mediation: A neutral third party, such as a trusted friend or family member, can facilitate communication between you and your children.
• Support groups: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be validating and provide practical advice. You can find a support group near you or online.
• Reading material: There are many self-help books and articles that focus on setting boundaries and improving family relationships.

Takeaways

As your children grow up, your relationship with them will change and it’s important for your boundaries to reflect that. Setting boundaries with adult children is an act of love and respect, leading to healthier relationships for everyone involved.