What Sex Addiction Is Not, According to Sex Therapists

Something we often hear a lot about, whether in the media or just conversations with friends, is sex addiction. But in an era of dating apps and hookups, what does that mean? 

There’s often a lot of confusion around sex addiction—there's even some debate over sex addiction being a real diagnosable condition, as it’s not in the DSM-5 (the diagnostic standard for addiction and mental health disorders). But in essence, it’s a compulsive need to perform sexual acts to achieve a “fix,” similarly to how someone with a substance use disorder might feel a compulsive need to use substances to achieve a “fix.”

“It’s more than just being interested or enjoying sex or sexual activity,” says Michelle Herzog, a licensed marriage and family therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist. “It involves persistent and recurrent thoughts and acts that seem beyond the individual’s control despite attempts to stop or reduce the behaviors or thoughts, causing significant distress and impairment.”

Sex addiction and high sex drive are sometimes used interchangeably, but they are not the same. Sex addiction is more than a high sex drive, and many people with a high sex drive can still enjoy a healthy sex life. People with sex addiction are more likely to have it negatively affecting their lives.

Ahead, I’ve spoken to sex coaches, educators, and therapists to explore what sex addiction actually is (and what it is not) and how one can manage their symptoms while maintaining an active sex life.

Understanding Sex Addiction

First of all, what are hypersexuality and compulsive sexual behavior? They’re the same thing, explains Gemma Nice, a sex and relationships coach. “It’s where you focus solely on fantasies or sexual urges which cannot be controlled, and where the normal sexual experiences take over and you want to do it obsessively.”

For example, you might enjoy masturbation. For some people, this could become an obsession that can’t be controlled, which turns into a behavior beyond their control. You might feel as if you need to act out certain fantasies every time you have sex or pay for sex or pornography.

Misconceptions and Myths

There are lots of misconceptions about sex addiction. “Some people may think that sex addicts are criminals or sex offenders,” says Nice. “This is not true. It can become an obsession where they are trying to find the high all the time and this affects their ability to live a normal life.”

It's sometimes thought that people with the addiction will hide behind the “sex addict” label, but people who are addicted to sex often really want to stop.

Another misconception is that sex addicts don’t care about the people they have sex with—for example, their partners. They may not feel comfortable speaking openly about their addiction to their partner, perhaps because of past trauma, the stigma surrounding sex addiction, or just embarrassment. 

And while sex addiction is often associated with men, Herzog points out that people of other genders can experience sex addiction too. One study from 2018 indicated that around 7% of women experienced distress or impairment around controlling sexual behaviors and desires.

Symptoms of Sex Addiction

Sex addiction has several different symptoms and symptoms can differ from person to person. Generally, however, somebody with sex addiction will constantly think about sex to the point where it becomes obsessive and they can’t think about anything else.

The following can also be sex addiction symptoms:

• Excessive masturbation. This can lead to painful genitals or wanting to masturbate in inappropriate situations, such as in public settings.
• Feelings of shame, depression, anxiety, and potentially suicidal thoughts.
• Compulsive relations with multiple partners including strangers.
• Infidelity—however, not everyone with sex addiction will cheat.
• Putting themselves or others in danger due to their sexual behavior.
• Feelings of remorse or guilt after sex.
• Lying to cover their behaviors.
• An inability to stop or control sexual activity.

Impact of Sex Addiction

“The impact can be huge on someone’s life,” says Nice. “It can harm relationships and can often lead to breakups or divorce because the person has an unhealthy unrealistic thought of what sex should be like in a partnership or marriage.”

Sex addiction can also have an impact on your professional life if you’re focusing on sex rather than your work. “Even if you’re present, you may seem distracted and withdrawn so that your partner may feel upset or angry, and your boss may feel confused,” Dr. Buehler explains. “Relationships can come apart and a person may lose their job.”

Sex addicts may also experience financial issues if they spend money on sexual activities. Herzog adds that some people with sex addiction might experience legal issues, too. While this isn't the case for everyone, some may engage in sexual behaviors illegal in their jurisdiction such as prostitution.

There can be physical effects as well. Frequent sexual activity can put a strain on the body, and increase the risk of sexually transmitted infections.

Causes and Risk Factors

Among the common risk factors for sex addiction are stress, loneliness, and depression. “Feelings of emptiness and low self-worth can lead a person to seek a way to self-soothe,” explains Dr. Buehler.

Often, people with sex addiction have past trauma that hasn’t healed, or they haven’t moved through the healing process. “The addiction isn’t really the whole thing,” says Nice. “It’s more of a process which has stemmed from trauma but it’s also a pain response or trigger for feeling a certain way for years.”

Nice adds that sex addicts can be chasing the “high” from other things, like substance abuse. “They can’t find the high in the substance anymore so turn to something else—for example, sex,” she explains.

Diagnosis and Treatment

With sex addiction not being part of the DSM-5, getting a diagnosis may be tricky. However, if you’re struggling, your doctor could refer you to a mental health professional for evaluation. 

It’s important to consider that many people who display compulsive sexual behavior may have another mental health condition, as sex addiction can often be rooted in things like stress, depression, and anxiety. Someone with compulsive sexual behavior may not necessarily have a sex addiction—they may just behave that way to cope with other stressors in life.

Medication can sometimes be a good fit, too. “There isn’t really a one-stop medication to be given,” explains Nice, however. “It’s based around how the person feels, so it could be anti-depressants or could be another form of a drug to boost the mood or stabilize the brain.”

Treatment Resources

Not sure where to get help or find treatment options in your area? The following resources are great starting points:

• Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
• Sex Compulsives Anonymous (SCA)
• S-Anon
• Sex and Love Anonymous Addicts (SLAA)

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.

Managing and Overcoming Sex Addiction

Nice recommends seeking professional help, support from loved ones (if you feel comfortable doing so), holistic therapy, and self-help group sessions. There's also daily exercise and movement, like working out at the gym, cycling or swimming, or walking in nature. Activies like these help release serotonin and dopamine. 

She also recommends mindfulness practices like the tantra breathing technique, which she describes as moving sexual energy up and out of the body rather than keeping it down in the genital area. And if meditation isn't your cup of tea, Nice suggests the Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT Tapping, which is based on Chinese medicine and involves tapping on acupressure points to release negative and compulsive thoughts and balance energy.

Ultimately, a tried-and-true practice to managing your addiction is communicating your feelings with your loved ones and leaning on their support, says Dr. Buehler. It's not easy, of course. And it can make you feel “uncomfortable and vulnerable,” she says. “But it will become easier with practice. By doing so, you can feel better connected and less lonely.”

Keep in Mind

Sex addiction can feel embarrassing or shameful, but there’s no shame in reaching out for help. From loved ones to mental health professionals, there are sources of support out there. If you recognize that you may be dealing with sex addiction or relate to the symptoms, contact a mental health professional or take a look at the resources below. In the meantime, know that you’re not alone.