Partner's Snores Keeping You Up? Consider a Sleep Divorce

Recently, I was visiting a newly married friend. They were beyond excited about their partner and had recently moved into a new home. It had much more space than their original apartment and as they gave me a tour, they breezed past two separate bedrooms: One where they slept and another where their partner slept. “We sleep better in separate rooms. Perk of being in a bigger house,” they said before I could ask. Alas, here we are—a newlywed couple who are crazy about each other enjoying their sleep divorce. 

Don’t let the inclusion of the word divorce confuse you. A sleep divorce is when a couple decides to sleep separately, typically in separate bedrooms, to get quality sleep. This concept is becoming more popular, with celebrities, creators on TikTok, and couples everywhere opening up about how sleeping separately has improved their lives. 

You may have heard the stigma—or you may have some preconceived notions yourself—about couples who sleep separately. However, sleeping apart isn’t necessarily a sign of troubled waters. Let us explain why. 

Why Do Couples Get Sleep Divorced?

First, let’s consider why couples choose to sleep apart. In the case of my dear friend, it is because their partner snores. While there has been talk of pursuing treatment for the source of the snoring, finances have slowed the process.

In the meantime, my friend wasn’t willing to sacrifice precious nights of sleep. Plus, a recent study did find that those who received treatment for sleep apnea reported an increase in quality of life and 72% of couples decided to begin sleeping together after. This is to say, sleep divorce isn’t always a permanent arrangement.

Another common reason for sleep divorce is restless leg syndrome, which is a neurological disorder where an uncontrollable urge to move arises and is typically the worst at night.

Body heat and different sleep preferences can be another reason. If you’re someone who runs hot, you can imagine how unbearable it could be to share a room with someone who insists on placing extra blankets on the bed or cranking up the heater.

Finally, there are brief seasons of sleep divorce. For example, whenever my husband or I get sick, one of us will set up shop in a separate room. This gives one of us a chance to not get sick while the other can stretch out in bed and get quality sleep. New parents are familiar with sleep divorce since it isn’t uncommon for partners to take turns sleeping while the other tends to the baby.

The Benefits and Drawbacks of Sleep Divorce

According to a study conducted by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, 15% of surveyed participants reported sleeping in a different room than their partner consistently, while another 20% reported sleeping separately on occasion. If a combined 35% of folks are sleeping apart, often or not, then it must be effective to some degree.

Our sleep is critical for our mental health. As a therapist, I tell my clients that sleep hygiene is just as critical as personal hygiene. My most referenced analogy is this: Not getting enough sleep for weeks or months on end does to our brain what not showering for weeks or months on end does to our body. Research backs this up too—it is well-documented that quality sleep decreases symptoms of poor mental health.

A big drawback of sleep divorce is simply not being able to sleep together. Again, some couples may perceive this to be a sign of trouble. Others may feel they're missing out on a sense of closeness. This is completely natural, but it also has a solution. I turned to licensed marriage and family therapist Lauren Pietra to get her insight.

“There are so many ways for couples to feel close and intimate, even if they are sleeping in separate rooms,” she shares. She explains that couples can set aside time to consider when they feel the closest to each other and then invite more opportunities for those things throughout their day. So, this may look like being very intentional with setting aside quality time for cuddling and sex. Or, it may be small acts, like holding hands, throughout the day.

Where to Start With Implementing a Sleep Divorce

How do you know when it is time to implement a sleep divorce? Great question. “The occasional night of disturbed sleep can be caught up, but persistent sleep deprivation exposes people to a range of health issues… [couples] will know when the tipping point has arrived,” explains Jennifer Adams, co-author of A Sleep Divorce: How to Sleep Apart, Not Fall Apart.

Feel like a sleep divorce is right for you but aren’t sure where to start? No worries. We’ve got some ideas lined up for you. Since sleeping in separate bedrooms is a sensitive topic, you’ll want to proceed thoughtfully.

How to Start the Conversation

“Choose a time to start the conversation when you and your partner are both calm and can give your full attention,” shares Pietra. This means the morning after a sleepless night is not the time to bring it up. “You can use I-Statements to own your feelings, experience, and desire,” explains Pietra. She underscores the importance of avoiding beginning sentences with “You,” noting it can draw out defensiveness in the partnership.

According to Pietra, the best way to avoid personalizing your partner’s feelings is by summarizing and reflecting to your partner what you’re hearing them say. You can validate their feelings without having to agree. 

Putting It Into Practice

Once you both begin to get comfortable with implementing a sleep divorce, it is time to consider strategy. First, having separate bedrooms is a huge privilege. If that isn’t a privilege you have, you’ll want to be extra thoughtful about this arrangement.

For example, one party sleeping on a rock-hard couch while the other snoozes away in a lush bed could be a fast track to resentment. Consider ways you can make comfortable sleeping accommodations—is there a pull-out bed with a thick mattress topper that could be purchased? Alternatively, perhaps you two switch off the nights someone gets the main bedroom.

Building a Routine

From there, you’ll also want to rethink your rituals and routines. Adams suggests identifying some rituals and rules about the new arrangement, noting that this has been key for her and her husband. Perhaps you both commit to getting ready for bed together and going to sleep around the same time so there is still a sense of connection.

Sleeping separately can even add some novelty to your sex life—it offers an opportunity to change up the setting and routine where you have sex. Adams mentions that an agreement some couples make is being able to enter each other’s room without permission to initiate sex, to spark the same spontaneity that couples who sleep together experience. Another idea she brought forth was starting the evening on one’s bed and then one person moving to their room when it’s time to sleep. 

Alternative Options

While a sleep divorce isn’t necessarily an indicator of relationship issues, there may be some things to tend to first. “Relationships with issues deeper than sleep disturbances may have difficulty resolving conflict,” explains Pietra. If you’re noticing that you’re feeling disconnected from each other, resentful, hurt, or unheard, it could be time to seek out couples therapy.

Another thing to consider is if any treatments could get to the root of the sleep disturbances. Seeking a sleep specialist in your area is a great place to start:

• For example, a CPAP machine can help minimize snoring and could be a solution that keeps you and your partner on the same bed.
• There is medication for restless leg syndrome.
• Chronic nightmares can be tended to in psychotherapy.
• There are even natural sleep aids that could be of support.

Now Go Forth and Sleep Well

Whether it is for a brief time or an arrangement moving forward, a sleep divorce could be the happiest thing you’ve ever done for your relationship. Adams shares her own experience with sleep divorce. "Initially everyone thought my relationship was over when my husband (then boyfriend) started sleeping separately, but 20 years later I think everyone is fine," she says. Now, go get some rest.