Ask These 40 Questions to Add Some ~Spice~ to Your Relationship

Keeping the conversation rolling on date night might already feel like second nature, especially if you two connect well or have been seeing each other for a bit. Weaving in some spicy conversation topics, however, might feel a little intimidating at first—especially if you’re not used to talking about these intimate subjects. But what if we said bringing in more intimacy is *exactly* what you and your partner need to strengthen your relationship?

“Exploring more intimate or daring topics helps you see each other in fresh, exciting ways, opening up vulnerable spaces where emotional and physical intimacy can grow,” says Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist at One Life Counselling & Coaching. “It can also help reignite any sparks that might have dimmed over time.” 

Not sure what questions to ask for spicy convos with S.O.? We're here to help kick things off. 

Flirty Icebreakers

New to spicy conversations, just beginning your relationship, or want to start in shallow waters? These are light and playful subjects to ease into the conversation and get the flirty vibes going. 

• How did you feel when we had our first kiss?
• How would you describe our chemistry in three words?  
• If I whispered in your ear right now, what would you want me to say?
• What’s your idea of the perfect morning-after breakfast?
• What’s something I do that always puts you in the mood for more?
• What song makes you think of me every time you hear it?
• What’s the sexiest dream you’ve had about us?
• What’s the best intimacy-related compliment you’ve ever received? 
• If I gave you a flirty dare right now, what would you be willing to do? 
• If we were alone in a room right now, what’s the first thing you’d want to do to me? 

Dreams and Fantasies

Research shows that roughly 90 to 95% of people have sexual fantasies. It's important to focus on exploring your partner's romantic and intimate dreams. Be open to receiving their answers—remember, this is an opportunity to learn more about each other. 

• Is there a new position or move you’ve been dying to try with me?
• If you could get away with any kind of sexual fantasy and not be judged, what would that be?
• What’s a sex toy or accessory you’ve always wanted to enjoy with a partner?
• Where’s a place you’ve always fantasized about having sex? 
• If we had no limits for one night—no time constraints, no place off-limits—what would we do?
• If I could make one of your deepest sexual desires come true, what would it be?
• What characters do you think would be fun to play in a role-playing scenario? 
• If you could design a fantasy room just for us, what would it look like and how would we spend our time there?
• What’s a fantasy that you like thinking about, but probably wouldn’t do in real life? 
• If I could blindfold you and surprise you with something sexy, what would you hope I do? 

Deep and Personal

Take your spicy date night to a deeper level with these questions, which dive into emotions and desires to create intimacy and connection.

• When do you feel most emotionally connected to me, and what strengthens that connection?
• What is an interesting or unexpected need or desire you have pertaining to sexual intimacy?
• What’s been your favorite, or most memorable, intimate moment with me? 
• What’s something small I do that drives you wild?
• How can I better support your intimate (emotional and/or sexual) needs?
• What’s your ideal frequency for how often you have sex, and how long you prefer each sex session? 
• If you could relive one of our most intimate moments and change one thing to make it even hotter, what would it be?
• How can I convey my love/care for you even better while we’re having sex? 
• Are there any specific phrases or words that really get you going? 
• What’s one thing you wish I knew about your intimate side that you haven’t shared yet? 

Sizzling Hot 

Whether you’re starting here right off the bat or working your way up, these spicy questions are hot and sexy.

• What’s one thing I do in bed that you can’t stop thinking about?
• If we spent an entire day in bed together, what would that look like? 
• When you're pleasuring yourself, what helps you reach an orgasm?
• Is there a position or experience you have never had but would be open to trying with me?
• What’s the hottest fantasy you’ve ever had about us?
• If I could read your mind during sex, what do you think would surprise me the most?
• What are some of the most daring and thrilling places you’ve had sex?
• If I could tease you in the perfect way, what would that look like?
• When do you feel most turned on by me?
• What’s one thing I could do right now to make you completely lose control?

Thoughts to Keep in Mind 

Strengthening your relationship through intimate, flirty, and sexy questions is a good thing. Still, there are some things to keep in mind. For starters, you might want to choose a place and time that allows you to cultivate more vulnerability. Asking spicy questions in the open, surrounded by other people, may not go over well. 

It's important that there is a foundation of safety and trust within the relationship, notes Erin Rayburn, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Evergreen Therapy. “Working on increasing safety and trust sets the stage for asking more intimate or spicy questions.” 

Also, try to remain open and vulnerable when asking these intimate questions. Refrain from judgment or shock when your partner answers—even if their responses do surprise you—and ensure the candidness flows both ways. Aside from that, have fun with it, don’t take yourselves too seriously, and enjoy the thrill!