If Your Child Gets Stranger Anxiety, These Strategies Could Help

Your six-month-old baby used to have no trouble being dropped off at a babysitter, but now she wails and won’t leave your arms. Or maybe your toddler won’t let you put him down, and clings to you for dear life, especially when meeting new people.

All of these are signs of stranger anxiety, which is actually a normal developmental phase for babies and toddlers. Still, even though it’s totally normal, it doesn’t mean it isn’t distressing. We get it: going through a stage of stranger anxiety with a little one can be challenging and confusing.

We’ve got you covered. We reached out to therapists to help us understand stranger anxiety, including what causes it, what it looks like, when it might indicate a bigger problem, and—most importantly—how to get through this bumpy ride with your kiddo.

Understanding Stranger Anxiety

Okay, so let’s start with the basics. What exactly is stranger anxiety, when does it start, and what causes it? Here, we’ll get into all that…and more.

Definition and Prevalence

In a nutshell, stranger anxiety is a developmental phase that basically all babies and toddlers go through, though it may look different for different kids. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), experiencing apprehension when being around new people is part of the process of cognitive development.

At What Age Does Stranger Anxiety Start?

Stranger anxiety usually starts in the middle of the first year of life. “Stranger anxiety is relatively common in children, usually developing around 6-8 months when a child begins to realize that primary caregivers are not necessarily always present 24/7,” explains Jephtha Tausig, PhD, clinical psychologist.

For most kids, stranger anxiety starts to abate around the age of two or three, Dr. Tausig adds.

When Is the Peak of Stranger Anxiety?

Jennifer Worley, LMFT, clinical director at First Light Recovery is in agreement that kids typically start showing signs of stranger anxiety by 6-8 months. “By the time a child reaches their first birthday, you might notice them becoming particularly clingy or fearful around unfamiliar people,” she describes.

And when does stranger anxiety peak? “Stranger anxiety tends to peak between 12 to 15 months, and for many children, it gradually lessens after that,” Worley says.

Psychological and Cognitive Factors

There are several factors that contribute to stranger anxiety. It’s important to keep in mind, though, that stranger anxiety isn’t really a medical or psychological condition. It’s a developmental phase that little ones go through as they learn to understand the world around them.

Here’s what to know:

Stranger Anxiety Is Protective

“At the root of stranger anxiety are a child's cognitive development and their growing ability to distinguish familiar faces from unfamiliar ones,” explains Worley.

As kids start to recognize the difference between familiar and unfamiliar people, they tend to react with fear or caution, she says. But this is a kind of human adaptation.

Stranger Anxiety Is Related to Object Permanence

Object permanence refers to a person’s ability to understand that even when a person or object is out of sight for a time being, it isn’t gone forever. It’s a memory skill that develops in the first year of life. Object permanence is related to stranger anxiety, says Dr. Tausig.

“The cognitive acquisition of object permanence is related to this (in other words, if I can’t see it or it goes away, does it still exist?),” Dr. Tausig describes. “Once children realize that just because a primary caregiver or person they know very well has left this does not mean they no longer exist (i.e., won’t come back) then stranger anxiety (if it exists for the child) usually tapers off.”

Strategies to Help Children Cope With Stranger Anxiety

Just because you know that stranger anxiety is normal—and that it will pass, eventually—it doesn’t mean it’s an easy phase to cope with. It can make it hard to manage childcare, can lead to meltdowns, and can make you question whether you are being a “good” parent. We’ve been there and the struggle is real.

Worley shared her top tips for getting through this challenging phase:

• Start with empathy: Always acknowledge and validate your kiddo’s feelings.
• Don’t force interactions: Give your child time to warm up to new people.
• Stay calm: Your child will look to you to see how you respond and a calm demeanor will help your child calm down themselves.
• Get familiar: The more familiar your child is with a person, the better; let your child get to know their caregivers before leaving them.
• Routines, routines, routines: Establishing daily routines, especially around eating and sleeping, helps regulate your kids’ moods and makes their emotional reactions less volatile.

Identifying Stranger Anxiety

Here’s the thing: stranger anxiety looks different for each kid. Although pretty much all kids experience it, some kids have more intense bouts than others. Some kids have a tougher time during the baby years, and others have a more challenging time when they are toddlers.

Some examples of stranger anxiety include:

• Infants crying and clinging to you when hand them to someone new
• Toddlers who are relaxed and outgoing at home, but become shy and clingy when around strangers or people they don’t know well
• Babies and toddlers who used to be okay spending time with a babysitting, nanny, or grandparent, but suddenly only feel comfortable with their parents
• Babies crying as soon as you leave the room, and then lighting back up when you return

Long-Term Implications of Stranger Anxiety

For most kids, stranger anxiety is a normal phase, and that means that it ends without any lasting consequences. Most children will be done with this phase by 36 months, or about three years of age.

Still, for some kids, anxiety in unfamiliar situations and among unfamiliar people may last longer than the toddler years.

“If you notice that your child is consistently avoiding and/or seems very uncomfortable in social situations or environments that are unfamiliar to them, and/or has persistent worries about bad things that will happen to loved ones when they are not present, check in with a health professional to determine what may be going on,” he recommends.

In some cases, stranger anxiety that seems to linger longer than normal or is extreme may indicate that your child has an anxiety disorder. For example, research has linked severe stranger fear with the later development of social anxiety.

Worley says that by and large, kids outgrow stranger anxiety in their own time. “However, if this anxiety is extreme or persists beyond the toddler years, it could be indicative of a more chronic anxiety disorder or another underlying issue,” she says. “It's essential to differentiate between typical developmental stranger anxiety and more severe reactions that don't seem to fade.”

When to Seek Professional Help

Alright, so stranger anxiety is normal in almost all cases, but sometimes it might indicate a problem. How are parents supposed to know when their kid’s stranger anxiety is the normal variety, or when help is needed?

Worley breaks it down: “If your child's stranger anxiety seems excessive, lasts beyond the toddler years, or interferes with daily functioning and social interactions, it might be time to seek professional guidance,” she says.

What kind of health professional should you see? It’s usually best to start with your pediatrician. They can help determine if you can just wait things out or if the help of a child therapist or developmental specialist may be warranted.

The Bottom Line

Dealing with a child who’s going through a separation anxiety phase is no fun at all. It’s common to feel like you’ve failed somehow as a parent if your child is having trouble separating from you or cries anytime you leave the room or anytime they meet a new person. Trust us—you didn’t do anything wrong. Your kid is, well, being a kid. This too shall pass.

Still, in rare cases, stranger anxiety does indicate a bigger issue. That’s why you should always go with your gut and contact a health professional if your child is showing emotional reactions to strangers or if their stranger anxiety persists past the toddler years.