The Neurodivergent Guide to Socializing

Social skills are the skills we use to communicate with other people. This includes both verbal and nonverbal communication. There is a wide variety of social skills one can use, and these skills are most effective when those around us use and recognize the same skills we are using.

While neurotypical social skills are not inherently superior to other types of communication, they are generally accepted in society as the “right” way to communicate. Because of this, many neurodivergent people struggle in social situations and are often told their social skills are lacking. For example, many autistic people or those with social anxiety disorder are uncomfortable with sustained, direct eye contact, which neurotypical people may interpret as rude.

Some neurodivergent individuals are able to mask and present with seemingly-neurotypical social skills with great personal effort which can lead to burnout. Some have communication and social skills that are not valued in neurotypical society. Some struggle with social interaction even with neurotype peers. Most neurodivergent people have some combination of these. Appropriate support depends on the individual’s skills, needs and personal goals and values.

Several neurodivergent individuals shared their experience and advice for socialization and communication in a neurotypical world. They explore how society defines "normal" social skills and provide practical advice for neurodivergent individuals who might struggle with communication.

Self-Awareness and Self-Acceptance

JDL Lewis (she/her), an autistic person, shared how she has struggled with awareness because neurotypical people may say and mean different things. For example, she has been confused by "how much of the world uses 'white lies’ or why people say they love you, but hurt you purposefully." She says this has made her easily taken advantage of by many people, but noted that cognitive behavioral therapy helped her recognize patterns in these interactions and trust her “gut instincts.”

JDL Lewis also shared how she used to use alcohol to cope with her social difficulties: “I found that drunk people didn’t think anything of stims, and even if they didn’t get my sense of humor they would still laugh, and even if they didn’t laugh, I was too lit to care.” She says being able to embrace her natural communication style has allowed her to cope in healthier ways rather than relying on alcohol.

Rejis (it/its) is autistic and struggles with auditory processing. It shared it has learned “regular socialization just doesn’t work [for it], and it only works one on one or in small groups.” Knowing its needs has allowed Rejis to connect and socialize in ways that works best for it.

Amber (she/her) is also autistic, and she shared that self-awareness gained form her diagnosis has helped her understand where her relationships have gone wrong in the past. For instance, she says, “More than once, I’ve lost entire friend groups; it’s a shocking experience for me every time it happens, even though it’s happened many times. … Understanding that I’m autistic has provided context and self-understanding.” Being autistic certainly doesn't mean you'll struggle with relationships, but understanding of how the diagnosis impacts social interaction can prevent misunderstandings.

Monica Fay (she/her) has ADHD and has had to work to be self-aware enough to prevent over-sharing or talking over other people. She noted that she leans into the strengths that come with her neurotype: “I think that my neurodivergence has positively impacted my social experiences because I am really good at problem solving when someone is going through something hard and leading them through it.”

Communication Strategies

Gabriella (she/her), a neurodivergent person, shared that it helps her engage with others by focusing on shared interests. “I enjoy small talk if it’s about you, not me–but if you talk to me about an interest my eyes will light up,” she says.

Figure out which communication strategies work best for you, and use these strategies to communicate in the ways that work best for you. Rejis shared that it prefers to socialize online both for communication and avoiding overstimulation.

Amber says it has helped her to realize that neurotypical people often don't say exactly what they mean: “Neurotypical people often say ‘We should get coffee sometime’ as a social nicety with no intention of actually meeting for coffee. I don't understand why anyone would do this, but it does explain a lot of the confusion I've felt in my life.” She says it also helps when she directly shares she is autistic and that her communication style may be different at the onset of the conversation to prevent confusion. She shared that this has yielded “mixed results,” but it helps to know she is being honest and up front.

Monica Fay also shared tips for managing social situations: “Focus on how you can be a really good friend with integrity, and that starts with self awareness. If you interrupt conversations, apologize and bring the conversation back around to what the person was saying. Write a note down in your phone or a piece of paper of the thing you’re impulsively wanting to stay in the middle of someone else talking to help alleviate the pull to interrupt.”

Boundaries

Unfortunately, many neurodivergent people are told their needs are wrong or invalid. Because of this, it can be difficult to set boundaries or feel like your boundaries are valid.  For example, JDL Lewis shared she has been called “rude” or “judgemental” when following her gut about people or situations.

Reflecting on this, her advice is: “Don't feel like you have to do things you don't want to do just to fit in or not have conflict. If you communicate your boundaries now and do not retreat, you won't have so much trouble in the future because boundary pushing people will learn quickly that you're not the one. If you're already a boundaries pro and people are telling you that you're too rigid, tell them to suck it. As long as you're not abusing or oppressing anybody else you have every right to your own space and feelings.”

Rejis says it has benefitted from remembering “you can leave the horribly loud party you were dragged to,” and you can always enact other similar boundaries when needed. It takes practice to get better at enforcing your boundaries, but with practice, it gets easier!

Body Language

Neurodivergent people often interpret body language differently than neurotypical people. This may be due in part to the trauma and stress that comes with the effort of performing to neurotypical standards. Several of the people who shared their experience for this article noted they have a history of trauma and may overreact to conflict as a result.

Monica Fay shared it has helped to find patterns in behavior to fill in gaps in her social skills.

Ask for clarification if needed, and share your communication style. You cannot control if another person respects your needs, but you can share them clearly. For example, Amber shared, “I want people to understand that this is how I communicate, and not to ‘read into’ my words. I've often experienced others assuming ill intent in my words that doesn't exist.”

Educating Neurotypicals

Because neurotypical communication styles are considered the “default,” many neurotypical people do not realize others might not possess the same social skills they do. And while it is helpful, educating people about yourself and your needs can be exhausting. Monica Fay shared that “it’s helpful when neurotypical people are knowledgeable about some of the differences someone with ADHD has, and while I wouldn’t want them to excuse behavior where I lack integrity, I’d like them to understand when I am spiraling and just clearly communicate with me.”

Amber shared a similar desire for neurotypical people to understand neurodivergent social preferences as well: “It would help me so much if neurotypical people would take the time to learn about autism and some of its common characteristics, like direct communication and sensory differences. I want people to be direct and clear with me - say what they mean and mean what they say.”

If you are neurotypical and you have neurodivergent friends, remember they are not a monolith and stay flexible. What one person may find supportive, someone else could find unhelpful or annoying. For example, while Gabriella shared that she does not mind redirection, others may be uncomfortable with this kind of feedback.

Inclusive Communities and Activities

Many social environments neurotypical people enjoy are challenging or impossible for neurodivergent people. For example, Amber says, “Because of [her] sensory sensitivities, [she] can't function in crowded and/or loud places. This means that many ‘typical’ social events, like parties, bars, music festivals, etc. aren't enjoyable for [her], and are actually deeply distressing and dysregulating.” She says she prefers “Quality time, just talking with a friend about their life and interests.”

JDL Lewis shared she would benefit from having the flexibility to not engage in small talk or make phone calls, and she needs time and space to recharge after social interactions.

Monica Fay shared that it helps when others assume competence. Even when well-meaning, sometimes feedback is unhelpful or obvious: “I don’t like when people tell me the obvious of how I could do something better when clearly my brain doesn’t work that way–it isn’t helpful to say ‘oh, you can’t find your keys? You know what helps? Putting them in the same spot every time!’ I know that already. I promise you I’m already beating myself up for forgetting something or missing a step in something I was supposed to do.”

According to Gabriella, it is also important to “Find your people. They may not be the same age as you, and that’s okay! … Also remember that other people can be awkward too, it’s not just you!” Here are some ways to foster a supportive and affirming social environment.

Above all, be kind to yourself. Neurodivergence can come with challenges, but it is not a moral failing or indication of lower personal worth. In Monica Fay’s words, “There will always be people who cannot handle your personality. Don’t focus on them.” You are enough as yourself.