'Are You OK?' 14 Ways to Tell Someone You’re Not, According to a Therapist

We’ve all heard the phrase “It’s OK to not be OK.” And sometimes, pretending like you’re OK just feels impossible. But what if someone greets you with an innocuous “How are you?”

You might not feel like responding with a simple “I’m fine,” but coming up with a response that is both appropriate for the situation and feels truthful to you can be difficult. 

Here’s what to say if you aren’t OK, with tips for a variety of situations.

What to Say to Friends or Family When You Don’t Want to Talk About It

Sometimes a friend or family member might ask you how you’re doing but it feels too difficult to discuss. It’s fair to assume that someone close to you asking you “How are you?” is genuinely interested in a response.

In this case, you can thank them for asking, but honestly and succinctly make it clear that you don’t want to talk. You could say something like:

• “I’m not doing great, but I don’t really feel like talking about it right now.”
• “Thanks for asking. Things are hard right now, but I don’t feel like getting into it.”
• “I know you care, but I don’t feel up to a serious discussion right now.”

You could also turn the conversation around to focus on them rather than you:

• “I’m not feeling too good, but I’d rather hear about how you’re doing right now.”
• “I’d feel better if we talked about you rather than me.”
  

What to Say to Friends or Family When You Do Want to Talk About It

Maybe you’ve been feeling bad lately but didn’t know how to bring it up to a friend or family member. In that case, a simple “How are you?” might open the door to a conversation that you feel ready for. Acknowledge how you’re feeling and ask if it’s alright to share what’s been going on with you. Chances are, your loved one would like to know.

You could say something like:

• “Thanks for asking. I’ve actually been having a tough time recently. Is it OK if I tell you about it?”
• “I don’t have a simple answer to that question. Are you up for a conversation?”
• “Things have been hard. I’d really like to talk about it, if you’re up for it.”

Your friends and family will be there for you in times of need, just as you would be there for them. Don't be afraid to show your vulnerability and allow a loved one to provide a much-needed shoulder to lean on.

What to Say to a Stranger

We’ve all been there—you’re having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day and the barista cheerfully asks “How are you?” Sometimes, it just feels too difficult or disingenuous to lie, but you don’t want to (or can’t, in the case of a busy coffee shop) have a discussion with this person. So how do you stay true to your feelings without gritting your teeth and saying “Fine”?

You could say something like:

• “I’m like the cat on those motivational posters—hanging in there.”
• “Oh, you know, life sucks and then you die.” (Dark humor is acceptable!)
• “Never been worse! But what can you do?”

Another option is to quickly acknowledge how you’re feeling but then put the spotlight on them. Here are a few coffee shop-inspired examples:

• “Not great, but how are you? Has it been busy in here today?”
• “I’m tired, but you must be tired too. When did your shift start?”
• “I’m having a rough time, but I appreciate that you always have a smile on your face.”

This may feel a little awkward if you're used to brushing things off with that quick "fine, thanks," but chances are that providing a true-to-you answer will feel more genuine and refreshing both for you and the person asking.

What to Do If You’re Not OK

If you’re going through a tough time, you don’t have to suffer alone. Having a support system is important—if you can, talk to a friend or family member about how you’re feeling. They might have suggestions for how to cope or be able to make plans with you to take your mind off of your troubles.

If things are really difficult—if you are having trouble functioning in your day-to-day life—consider talking to a mental health professional. A therapist can help you understand how you’re feeling, identify triggers and situations that make you feel worse, and learn how to manage moving forward. 

If you are in crisis—for example, if you are having suicidal thoughts—reach out to a crisis resource right away:

• Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: dial or text 988
• Crisis Text Line: text “HOME” to 741741
• Call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room

Final Thoughts

It’s OK to acknowledge when you’re feeling bad, especially when pretending like you’re fine feels too difficult. Remember that you have options.

Friends and family are there for you to lean on for support, and interactions with strangers can feel honest and open, even when you don’t want to talk. So the next time someone asks “How are you?” you’ll be prepared no matter what.