Feeling Touch Starved in Your Relationship? Here's What You Need to Know

We tend to think of physical touch as one of the five love languages, and perhaps something that isn't a priority for everyone. But whether you consider yourself a physically affectionate person or not, nonsexual touch plays an important role in all of our lives.

A lack of touch is called touch starvation or skin hunger. And even those of us who are averse to lots of physical contact with others benefit from some amount of it, and we suffer when we don't experience it.

What does it mean to be touch starved?

It's normal to go for short periods of time without touch. Dr. Patrice Le Goy explains touch starvation as what occurs "when we go for an extended period of time without receiving physical touch from another person." You may notice touch starvation intensely, or it might be just a background feeling for you.

If you're in a relationship that lacks physical contact, you may be particularly frustrated. That's because as adults, our partners are the default place we receive affection and touch from. Whether you think about it a lot or a little, a lack of touch impacts you regardless, and it may cause a strain on your relationship if not addressed. Let's look at why that is.

Why do I crave it?

We need touch throughout the entirety of our lives. "While the frequency of how often we need physical touch varies by personality, culture, medical conditions, and other factors, it is still true that humans are wired to need physical touch," says Le Goy.

This need for touch begins as soon as we are born. "From the time a baby is born, having physical connections helps them to thrive—think of how new parents are encouraged to have skin-to-skin contact with their newborns right away," says Le Goy. She adds that "this builds a bond between the parent and child...and while we may not realize it,  this need continues throughout our entire lives."

Being touched and touching others makes us feel good on a physiological level. It provides important psychological benefits too, of course, but it has a real impact on our hormones. Le Goy explains that "physical touch is calming and soothing and provides comfort when we are distressed. It also releases the “love hormone” oxytocin and reduces the “stress hormone” (cortisol)."

What happens when we don't get enough physical touch?

As you might guess, when we are touch-starved we are less likely to thrive in the ways that we do when we experience touch on a regular basis.

Le Goy says that touch starvation can express itself as an assortment of emotional and physiological symptoms. "When we are starved for touch and are getting less oxytocin and more cortisol, it makes sense that we start showing symptoms of depression, stress, and anxiety," she tells us.

Additionally, she says that "we may also have difficulty regulating our emotions or feeling content in our relationships when we are touch starved." Touch starvation is bad for our mental health, and it can negatively impact our relationships. It can also lead to assorted emotional wellness problems, and without the proper hormones being produced by our bodies to fix those issues, our problems can then be compounded further.

Causes and Contributing Factors of Touch Starvation

Occurrences both in childhood and as adults can contribute to a situation of touch starvation. Let's look at them more closely.

Childhood Care

Because it's so important for babies and children to be touched in order for them to grow properly both physically and emotionally, a lack of touch in childhood can create lifelong issues.

"As children get older, not receiving adequate physical touch can lead to isolation, behavioral issues, and difficulty forming healthy relationship attachments," says Le Goy. Once we are adults, we may have an aversion to touch if we were not properly handled as kids.

"As adults it can feel uncomfortable or unsafe to seek out that type of closeness," says Le Goy on what can occur when touch-starved children grow into adulthood.

Loss of Relationship

If you recently went through a breakup, you may be struck by how jarring the sensation of not being touched is.

Le Goy says that you "may experience this after the loss of a relationship where they suddenly do not have that partner who was reliably providing them with that physical connection." If you are used to having someone with whom to hold hands and cuddle, and suddenly you don't, the change can feel profound.

COVID-19 Societal Changes

The pandemic changed numerous things about our day to day lives, and while it impacted some people more than others, no one was unaffected by it. That includes how we treat one another now in a physical sense.

"We have to consider how the COVID-19 pandemic affected people’s fear around being close to each other, the isolation many people experienced, and what impact that has on us over time," says Le Goy. Studies have shown that touch hunger is indeed an unfortunate consequence of the pandemic.

Relationship Challenges

Some people shy away from their partner(s) when they're going through a rough time. Others stop being affectionate when they feel less attracted to someone. And for still others, conflicts in relationship that go unaddressed or unresolved can lead to a lack of interest in being physical.

When in a relationship, clear and kind communication is the most effective way to address and recover from touch starvation. If you notice your partner(s) touching you less, you can lead with curiosity instead of judgment, share what you are observing and check in with your partner about what may be happening, and work together to resolve the issues causing it.

Practical Solutions to Alleviate Touch Starvation

As painful as it is for our overall emotional wellness to not experience touch, thankfully there are many ways of relieving skin hunger. Dr. Le Goy suggests the following practical ways you can alleviate touch starvation in your life, and reminds us that "it is important to remember that all physical touch counts—so if yours is due to losing a relationship partner, you don’t necessarily need to be in another romantic relationship in order to have these needs met." All of the following activities will help to release oxytocin and reduce your cortisol levels.

• Hug or request a hug from your friends and loved ones
• Holding hands
• Massage, whether self-massage or from a friend or professional bodywork practitioner
• Exercise, especially contact sports
• Petting or playing with a pet
• Attending a cuddle party (an organized gathering where strangers meet and share touch with communication and consent)

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can help us with anything going on in our lives, and touch starvation is no exception. Le Goy says that if you aren't sure whether or not you're experiencing skin hunger, "therapy can help you understand if you are touch starved." From there, she explains that "a therapist can help you come up with healthy strategies for alleviating the symptoms and regulating your emotions."

Beyond the introspection and practical advice that a therapist would be beneficial for, Le Goy notes that "sharing your feelings with someone can help you feel less isolated and more empowered and connected." Touch starvation involves a lack of connection physically, and working emotionally to connect with yourself is an excellent first step to connecting physically with others.

Surrogate partner therapy is a type of therapy in which a therapist, client, and surrogate partner form a three-person team to work together to support a client in understanding and resolving difficulties a client is experiencing, such as issues involving physical touch. Although a therapist cannot touch a client, a surrogate partner is a professional who can, and can work in conjunction with a therapist to support a client on their healing journey.

Why Touch Starvation Needs to Be Addressed

It might sound like a minor problem, but touch starvation is a serious issue that should not be ignored. Our need for touch begins at birth, and is critical for our proper development.

As adults, we continue to rely on touch to lower our stress hormones and keep happy chemicals such as oxytocin in our systems. Not addressing touch starvation can lead to depression, stress, and anxiety that it causes lasting longer than they otherwise would.

If you suspect you're suffering from touch starvation, it is worth looking into. You can begin by just trying one of the activities suggested, such as playing with a pet or hugging a loved one, and noticing how it makes you feel. If the difference is significant, it may be worth taking more steps to address and heal your touch starvation.