How BPD Affects Romantic Relationships

If you or someone you love has borderline personality disorder (BPD) you know this mental health condition can make relationships difficult. People with BPD experience unstable moods, emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, and more. Symptoms of BPD also may include risk-taking behavior as well as self-harm or suicidal behaviors. As a result, they commonly experience relationships that are chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden. This can be especially true for romantic relationships.

If you are considering starting a relationship with someone who has BPD (or are in one now), it's important to educate yourself about the disorder and what to expect. Likewise, if you have been diagnosed with BPD, it can be helpful to think about how your symptoms have affected your dating life and romantic relationships.

What BPD Looks Like in a Relationship

Everyone faces relationship problems at some point. For people with BPD, these problems are so prevalent that they are considered a core symptom of the condition.

For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic relationship stress and more frequent conflicts. Also, the more severe a person’s BPD symptoms are the less relationship satisfaction their partner reports.

All of this conflict and turmoil means that people with borderline personality disorder have trouble maintaining relationships. Research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time.

BPD can affect relationships in a variety of ways. Some problems that can come up throughout a relationship with a person with BPD include:

Instability

People with BPD are often terrified that others will leave them. However, they can also shift suddenly to feeling smothered and fearful of intimacy, which leads them to withdraw from relationships. The result is a constant back-and-forth between demands for love or attention and sudden withdrawal or isolation.

Fear of Abandonment

Another BPD symptom that particularly impacts relationships is a deep fear of abandonment. They are always on high alert, looking for any possible sign that someone will leave them. This means that they often misinterpret even minor events as signs of imminent abandonment.

Lying

Another common complaint of people in relationships with someone with BPD is lying. People with this condition often lie in order to try to avoid being abandoned. Intense emotions, impulsivity, shame, and distorted perceptions also play a role in this tendency to lie.

While lying and deception are not behaviors included in the formal diagnostic criteria for BPD, many loved ones report that lying is one of their biggest concerns. The constant deception undermines trust in relationships.

Impulsive Sexuality

Impulsive sexuality is another classic symptom of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with issues of sexuality. Also, a large percentage of people with BPD experienced childhood sexual abuse, which can make sex very complicated.

Finally, research has also shown BPD symptoms are associated with a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women.

Symptoms with an Indirect Effect

Other symptoms of BPD, including impulsivity, self-harm, and dissociative symptoms, can have an indirect impact on relationships. For example, if a loved one with BPD is engaging in impulsive behaviors like going on spending sprees, it can cause major stress within the family.

Suicidal gestures and ideation can be scary for romantic partners and can introduce lots of stress into the relationship.

Starting a Romantic Relationship When Someone Has BPD

Despite the intense and disruptive symptoms people with BPD and their loved ones must cope with, people with BPD often have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time. Furthermore, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD describe their partner as fun, exciting, and passionate.

Will the Relationship Last?

Most relationships go through a honeymoon period at the start. Relationships with people who have BPD are no exception. In fact, the experience may be magnified.

This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner, too. After all, it's really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you and to feel needed.

Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect, idealized soulmate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well.

The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles and to encourage your partner to get professional help to cope with the disruptive symptoms and reduce problematic thinking. In addition to individual therapy, couples therapy can be helpful for both partners in the relationship.

Managing a Romantic Relationship With BPD

In addition to couples therapy, there are therapies that have been shown to be effective for a person with BPD, in terms of helping with relationships:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Dialectal behavior therapy (DBT) is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that relates a person's thinking to their behavior. There are four main skills taught in DBT, one of which is managing interpersonal skills.

Mentalization-Based Therapy

Mentalization-based therapy (MBT) is a therapy that focuses on helping someone make sense of what is going on in their mind and the minds of others.

Medications

There are currently no medications specifically approved to treat BPD, but doctors may prescribe medication to help improve certain symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Research suggests that some medications can help a person manage their anger, impulsivity, and depression.

If Your Partner Has BPD

Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can sometimes feel like being on an emotional roller coaster. While your relationship is bound to face some challenges, there are steps you can take to bring more stability to your connection.

• Learn about BPD: Start by educating yourself about the symptoms and characteristics of borderline personality disorder. Knowing how to recognize the symptoms can help you respond more effectively.
• Support your partner: Even if you don't understand exactly what your partner is going through, be supportive and try to let them know that you hear and see them.
• Be patient: It takes time for therapy and medications to work. Try to be patient with your partner and recognize that setbacks are bound to happen.
• Set boundaries: Establish healthy limits on behavior, then be firm about maintaining those boundaries.
• Encourage treatment: Help your partner learn more about their treatment options and encourage them to adhere to their therapist's recommendations.
• Care for yourself: Supporting your partner is important, but it's also vital to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. 

While there will be bumps along the way, showing compassion and support can help set your relationship on a smoother path.

How BPD Affects Breakups 

Many issues may arise when a relationship in which one partner has BPD ends. Because people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a breakup can leave them feeling desperate and devastated.

Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD can have trouble letting the relationship go. This is particularly true of long-term partnerships or marriages.

This is why it's a good idea to have a support network for you and partner, especially if a breakup may occur. This network often includes a mental health professional.

Keep in Mind

It's important to remember that while borderline personality disorder can create challenges in relationships, it is treatable. This means that while most people with BPD do experience residual symptoms even after time and treatment, in the long term, recovery and healthy relationships are possible.

If you have BPD, getting treatment for your condition is the first step. You can learn to manage your symptoms and develop healthier, happier relationships with therapy and support. If your partner has BPD, you can help by learning more about their condition, offering support, and maintaining good boundaries in the relationship.