What to Do After You Hurt Your Partner

There are times when our partner will be upset with us. Maybe we know why, or we might have no clue what we did to hurt them. While we may want to avoid further conflict and wait for things to blow over, research shows that tackling issues head-on is usually the best course of action.

Though it may be uncomfortable at first, having open and honest conversations can benefit our relationship in the long run. ​Below are some ways to improve communication with our partners when we've hurt them, whether with our words or actions.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

We may not like how our partner feels or disagree with their response, but it's still important to respect their feelings and show empathy. All they want is to feel understood, accepted, and cared for—like we really get them.

Think about how nice it is to hear the words, "I can understand why that would make you angry." This type of statement can make our partner feel heard while also letting them know that it’s okay for them to feel the way they feel. 

Take Responsibility

When we do something that hurts our partner, whether intentionally or not, it's always best to own up to what we did wrong. If we're not clear on what we said or did that was hurtful, just ask.

It's important to show our partner that we know we made a mistake and that we're willing to take responsibility for our actions. This means avoiding the use of phrases such as, "I'm sorry if you were hurt," or, "I'm sorry you were upset."

These statements shift the responsibility from us to our partner. It's the same as saying, "You weren't supposed to get hurt/upset about something so tiny, but I'll apologize out of pity." Instead, we need to take responsibility for the hurtful things we said or did.

Here are some helpful phrases:  

• "I know what I did was wrong. I wish I had thought before I acted. I made a big mistake."
• "There’s no excuse for what I did."
• "The way I spoke to you was wrong, and I didn’t realize how much I hurt you."

Explain, Don't Excuse

Prefacing an apology with, "I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, but...," can send the wrong message. Offering an excuse for what we did means that we aren't taking responsibility. Instead, it's meant to deflect the blame to someone or something else.

For example, "I shouldn't have yelled at you but I'm really stressed," is an excuse for how we responded to a situation. This can weaken the apology as we're not taking accountability for our actions and how they affected our partner.

On the other hand, providing an explanation while still acknowledging the wrongdoing emphasizes the apology: "I've been under a lot of stress, but that's not an excuse for yelling." This gives our partner more background that helps explain our actions or responses without trying to justify them.

Offer a Genuine Apology

If we've hurt our partner and want to apologize for our actions, it's important that we are sincere in the apology. This involves owning up to exactly what we did wrong and identifying it. It can also be a good idea to go beyond just saying we're sorry by following through with actions that reflect what we're apologizing for.

Be patient with this process as showing we're sorry can take time. Additionally, while it's important to ask for forgiveness, keep in mind that our partner may not be ready.

In the meantime, it's helpful to think carefully about what we can do to make things right. If we're not sure what would help, a good next step is to ask our partner what we can do to make them feel better. Token gestures, empty promises, and insincere apologies can do more harm than good.

Be Open and Flexible

We may find it hard to not get defensive when our partner expresses dissatisfaction with something we did or said. It can also be difficult to put ourselves in our partner's shoes. Resolving conflict in our relationship can feel uncomfortable, but being flexible in how we think about the situation can be helpful.

One approach is to try to see the situation from our partner's perspective. This is referred to as cognitive reframing. Not only could this be a step toward understanding them more deeply, but it also may indicate to them that we're invested in resolving the issue.

Learn From What Happened

Conflicts that linger can be detrimental to a relationship. So, it's helpful to learn from what we did to prevent the same thing from happening over and over again.

This begins by recognizing what we said or did to upset our partner and storing it away. Taking steps to get to know and understand them better can strengthen our relationship.

When Our Partner Is Still Upset

If a lot of time passes and our partner is still upset, we may need a bit more help. Conflicts that fester aren't beneficial for anyone, so it's a good idea to resolve them as soon as we realize they're still lingering or if they reappear.

Getting professional help could be the next best step if our partner is still hurt over what happened. It can be difficult to heal a relationship after major hurts have occurred. If we feel stuck in our efforts to repair the damage, we may want to consider couples counseling. 

Couples counseling can be very effective, especially if couples seek it out sooner rather than later. A counselor can help us identify destructive patterns and teach us how to communicate more effectively. Counseling can also give us insight into our partner’s feelings and concerns.