We Should All Host More Dinner Parties

Ahh the wholesome delights of the dinner party. It's a timeless social affair that draws up memories of empty wine bottle-strewn tables or momentary tragedies of burnt roast chicken followed by boxes of pepperoni pizza. Here is a social activity many of us are nostalgically familiar with—be it more formal gatherings, cookouts, barbecues, potlucks, or Sunday brunch. 

Food-centric gatherings are etched in our youthful memories, and now it’s time to host some yourself. I know, I know—who has the space in their tiny apartments, it sounds like a lot of work and so expensive, and what if no one shows up? Etc. First of all, they will. Second of all, there will always be excuses. But trust me, your emotional well-being will thank you. 

2024 also marks a turning point in how we socialize and form connections. Not to harp on the pandemic, but you can't deny the effects of being forced into our homes and even deeper into our phones. Fast-forward four years, and some of our biggest challenges are related to friendship and in-person interactions.

So how do we remedy this paradox of social anxiety and desire? Enter, the dinner party. So pull out your nice porcelain and grab the fancy candles you’ve been hoarding because we’re going to help you get comfortable throwing a dinner party people won’t be able to stop talking about.

What Defines a Dinner Party?

When you hear the term “dinner party” what comes to mind? Is it a ten-foot-long table with immaculate matching place settings? A cozy gathering of four or five friends eating some lovingly prepared pasta sauce with salad on the side? Or maybe it’s a laid-back potluck with half the crowd eating cross-legged on the floor. The truth is, all of these are correct definitions because you get to organize it however you please. 

And while this may be obvious to some people, I have a feeling there are a lot of you who worry you're not fancy or culinarily adept enough to host one. Or that you don’t own enough nice silverware or matching plates. No one cares about these things.

The most important thing to remember here is that welcoming friends into your home and cultivating an experience full of love, intentionality, and good food is probably a top-10 tip for building community and platonic intimacy. 

Hosting Can Be Kind of Scary, We Get It

For me (and many others) my biggest fears around organizing a big social event are twofold: rejection, and it not being good enough. I tend to have very high standards for myself and get this anxiety that my house won't be clean enough, my food won't be seasoned enough, and half the guests won't show up.

I hosted a housewarming party a couple of weeks ago which was ultimately a roaring success, however, about two hours before the party began 10 people texted me saying they could no longer make it. This is inevitable for any party but my rejection sensitivity dysphoria still reared its ugly head. But instead of spiraling about it I took a deep breath and reframed the situation—having fewer people will make the space less crowded and invite more intimate conversation—and the night was a big hit as it was destined to be!

My point in saying all of this is that hosting a party, especially a dinner party, can be scary. But that shouldn't stop us from doing it! Every time we push ourselves a little bit it helps us grow in so many ways.

Why Having People Over Matters

We’ve mentioned on this website time and time again but it bears repeating: we’re experiencing a loneliness epidemic, a crisis of connection, a dearth of community. We are sick of the dating apps, sick of having hundreds of followers on Instagram all the while Google searches for "How to make friends as an adult" have skyrocketed. Some of this has to do with how the pandemic stifled our social skills, much of it is due to how much time we spend looking down at our smartphones instead of at other people.

In many ways, we’ve maxed out our capacity for engaging in “online community” and we are eager to make the collective pivot back to being together, in person, as often as possible. Unfortunately, that step backward in our social skills has led to more incidences of social anxiety and ironically, subconscious resistance to fostering our friendships, old or new. 

When we have people over for dinner, we signal our openness and enthusiasm for friendship. There's a higher level of intentionality in hosting a dinner party because we get to use food and the comfort inherent in our own space as a gesture of love. And its memorability goes far beyond a physical gift or going out to a restaurant with the girls.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, says, “Hosting and inviting others into your home can feel vulnerable, but ultimately it is a way of showing your true essence, style, and personality through your home and hosting style. It can be a powerful way to allow others to get to know you and how you show your love.” 

Once everyone is seated together and happily enjoying a shared meal, perhaps with a glass of wine or two, we instinctively recognize the safety in that moment and our protective layers are shed. We are full and relaxed and suddenly more willing to open ourselves up to one another.

Dinner Parties Can Get You Out of Your Comfort Zone and Ease Social Anxiety

Parties can be a divisive topic, despite their generally accepted association with fun. Who doesn’t love a party? The reality is, it’s more people than you’d expect. It’s not that they don’t want to see friends or dance the night away, but for someone living with an anxiety disorder or is neurodivergent or hypersensitive to stimuli, a party can get stressful pretty quickly. 

There’s loud music, loud talking, loads of people you might not know all crammed into potentially cramped spaces—not ideal. But even those of us with social anxiety and various sensitivities still need friends, and it’s healthy to get yourself out of your comfort zone and face your fears from time to time. 

One study from 2022 noted the benefit of “brief situational interventions” for cultivating purposeful and lasting change. In other words, its own kind of exposure therapy.

Hosting or attending a dinner party is a great way to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little bit while still maintaining some control and emotional guardrails. Let me break down why.

• There’s safety in your own space
• You get to choose who comes
• You get to cultivate the environment and the vibe
• You get to choose what food and drinks are served
• There’s less social competition

Chadwick Boyd, television personality and esteemed dinner party host shares, "Most people, I think, think that a dinner party needs to be a performance, which unnecessarily raises anxiety levels to meet a high expectation level. Guests, especially these days, just love being cooked for, and most often, unless your friends are kin to Martha Stewart, they don’t cook a lot for themselves."

In other words, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves (give yourself a break!) but people are much more forgiving than we give them credit for.

Hosting a Dinner Party Makes Friendships Stronger and New Connections More Likely to Last

The value of intimate gatherings cannot be overstated when it comes to fortifying our existing friendships. It’s all about intentionality and signaling to our cohort that “you are the people I’ve chosen to welcome into my home tonight, you are all cherished individuals.”

First impressions matter, and hosting a dinner party can give you a real leg up. People will recognize the effort you put into the experience (even if things don’t turn out exactly the way you planned) and will remember you for the next time they host an event of their own. 

Another fun aspect of hosting a dinner party is the chance to play matchmaker with your friends. This could be romantic, sure, but mainly it can bring about a lot of joy to see friends from different parts of your life hitting it off and becoming friends themselves.

Sure, anxiety around mixing friend groups can cause some discomfort but it shouldn’t stop us from bringing people together. Remember that they all have the safety and anchor of knowing you.

Also, remember that you aren't responsible for managing how much fun everyone is having. As a recovering chronic people pleaser this was an eye-opening piece of advice.

Dinner Parties Encourage Us to Take Pride in Our Homes

From a mental health standpoint, this final factor should not be overlooked. Having people over is a chance to show off our space and boost our self-esteem. 

During the pandemic, people became hyper-aware of the fact that the environments we spend the most time in have a major impact on our mental health, which led to more focus on interior design. We pay a lot more attention to what objects bring us both joy as well as a sense of comfort and groundedness. 

“Hosting can motivate people to improve their living space so it is the best possible version to show to others. It can be a great source of inspiration to clean up, light that expensive candle, or use the fancy dishes your grandmother gave you. Even the music choice or playlist of the evening could be a way to show people your taste, and cultivate shared interests,” says Romanoff. 

Her point about cleaning up is huge because most of us are more motivated to clean when we know people are coming over—I am very guilty of this. Sure, it’s largely driven by concern about how I’ll be perceived, but that doesn’t matter because my mental health still benefits from a cleaner house even after my guests have gone home.

When The Last Guest Goes Home

Ok so let's do a little visualization exercise: imagine the evening has finally reached its natural conclusion and the last guest has said a gracious thank you and gone home for the night. You're feeling an immense sense of accomplishment because you just pulled off this amazing event! Things didn't go perfectly but better than you'd expected. You're feeling proud for putting yourself out there, and for doing all the little things necessary to make it happen. Piece of cake! What were you even so worried about in the first place?

All these feelings can be yours, just open your notes app and start making a list of your favorite people and favorite dishes, it'll be well worth the effort.