5 People on What ADHD *Actually* Feels Like

Most people are familiar with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a neurodevelopmental diagnosis characterized by nine inattentive symptoms and nine hyperactive-impulsive symptoms. However, education and media portrayals of ADHD tend to focus only on one presentation, overlooking the diversity and variance in ADHDers’ life experiences.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision, (DSM-5-TR), an individual under the age of 17 must have a minimum of six or more inattentive or six or more hyperactive-impulsive symptoms, and an individual aged 17 or older must have five or more symptoms in one category.

One person with inattentive-type ADHD might have no symptoms in common with someone with hyperactive-impulsive-type ADHD. Two adults with inattentive-type ADHD may only have one inattentive symptom in common even though they meet the criteria for the same diagnosis.

As a psychologist with ADHD who supports ADHD clients, I know both personally and professionally how vastly different our experiences can be. I spoke with four fellow ADHDers about their experiences, their biggest challenges as ADHDers, and what tricks they find helpful, and then I turned those same questions on myself.

Eryn: Coping with Clutter

Eryn was diagnosed with ADHD at age 42 after her lifelong difficulties got worse during perimenopause. Research shows that hormonal fluctuations during perimenopause and menopause can greatly impact and exacerbate ADHD symptoms, causing those who have been undiagnosed to seek support for the first time.

In Eryn’s case, hormone replacement therapy has helped alleviate her increased symptoms. “I’ve found that having the right dose of estrogen lets me use the management skills I unconsciously built over the years," she says. "Now, I’m the slightly odd middle-aged woman who suddenly stands up and starts pacing when working through sticky problems and has a candy bowl of stress balls and fidget toys on her desk. I’m OK with being slightly odd; it helps me function.”

Eryn shared that her biggest challenge as an ADHDer is the clutter she experiences both in the physical world and inside her mind: “I find a certain level of clutter is necessary and comforting, but it can quickly get overwhelming.” She compensates by being overly organized, using technology and organization tools to stay on top of this, organizing her email inbox, and using an AI assistant.

Rebecca: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rebecca (not her real name) is AuDHD (both autistic and ADHD). She first experienced impairment as a result of ADHD symptoms after her child was born, and “baby brain” brought out symptoms she had previously compensated for. In the early days of the pandemic, she and her partner had set structure “to protect [us] and to stop us from going nuts,” but after lockdowns passed, she began struggling again. Then, she read a book by a woman who was late diagnosed with ADHD:

At the same time, Rebecca reports that she is highly adaptable. Being autistic, she needs to know plans in advance in order to prepare, but at the same time, “When things suddenly change unexpectedly, and I have to respond right then and there, I can. … I can put my emotions aside and just focus on what needs to be done, whether it’s taking charge of the situation, following directions, or even an undefined area in between.” This has been a huge asset to her as a school teacher.

Rebecca shared that her biggest challenge as an ADHDer is rejection-sensitive dysphoria: “It has made me vulnerable, resulting in a freeze or fawn response when a fight or flee would have been far more appropriate.” She has worked to realize that “most people either aren't thinking about me at all, or at least not very much and only fleetingly … because they have more significant things to think about. They might not have even noticed the weird thing I said or did, or if they did, immediately forgot.” This skill took time to build. It also helps that her partner is supportive and remembers to check in with her.

JC: Stigma Struggles

JC went through his childhood and early adulthood without support for his ADHD symptoms and had to learn to adapt, using “strict routine, discipline, and an unwavering commitment to accomplishing my goals, no matter what it cost me.” While this helped him function, it led to “untold amounts of burnout” due to not understanding his neurodivergence.

Although JC can sometimes channel hyper-focus and describes himself as both resilient and persistent, he continues to struggle with internalized stigma: “I grew up thinking that I was simply defective, that I should be smarter, more effective, more productive.” He struggles to relax or give himself a break due to fear of being “a lazy, good-for-nothing bum who is a drain on those around him.”

When it comes to coping with stigma, JC shared: “Understand that we will never have what they, the neurotypical people, have in regards to mental limitations, and that's fine. We have to play the hand we've been dealt; we have to make the most of the lives we have because it's the only one we've got. Accept that you need to rest, accept that your mind and body need a break, and take one.”

Jennie: Procrastination Problems

Jennie learned that they have ADHD less than a year ago, after they returned to college and learned that “most other people’s attention span and ability to concentrate is not that of a herd of coked up squirrels.” In hindsight, after their diagnosis, they realized that their hyper-focus and procrastination were early signs of neurodivergence.

Jennie reports that they struggle with “doing my college work in manageable chunks before the deadline.” Their brain “refuses to cooperate until it’s the last minute” (highly relatable, as I write this article the day it is due despite having my interviews completed 10 days ago). This pattern is exhausting, especially since they have trouble tuning out distracting sounds.

Jennie uses planner software to cope with this. They find that a schedule helps their mind cooperate with what they need to accomplish. Additionally, working in a library is more efficient than working at home, as “having a designated space to work is invaluable.”

Amy: Ping-Pong Projects

I have written before about getting my ADHD diagnosis in my 30s. One thing that prevented me from being identified sooner is my output: I get a lot done. But watching my process, it becomes clear that I lack focus. I start a task, jump to something else, jump to a third thing, and continue bouncing around until I have forgotten where I started.

Over time, I have developed a system I like to call “dueling projects.” Essentially, I determine two things that I need to accomplish and set myself up to work on either one. By ping-ponging between the two important projects, I am always making progress on one thing that needs to happen, and eventually, they both get done!