What Does It Mean To Be Sex Positive?

Sex positivity means embodying a liberating attitude towards gender, body types, sexuality, and all of its nuances free of shame or judgment. 

In the past, due to puritanical societal norms influenced by religion, sex and sexuality were generally viewed as hushed or forbidden topics enveloped in secrecy and shame. No one talked about sex, and doing so was seen as taboo.

This belief system created a stigmatized culture perpetuating harmful tropes and limited, regressive perspectives about something that is a healthy and normal human behavior.

Sex can be a life-giving, vibrant, and pleasurable part of life and expression of oneself. Sex positivity is about embracing and embodying this inclusive and liberated perspective on sex.

The Sex Positivity Movement

“Historically, scholars have always discussed the topic of sex,” researcher, podcast host of LuvBites, and sex and relationship expert Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn tells Verywell Mind. “However, with the rise of Christianity, Islam, and other organized religions, sex became an extremely taboo topic that [could] only be practiced by heterosexual married couples.”

The abstinence-only sex education that has historically been taught in schools has promoted the taboo, patriarchal, and heteronormative nature of sex. Unless it was used for family planning, sex outside of marriage was seen as an inherently promiscuous, shameful, and even dangerous activity laced with sexually transmitted infections (STIs), HIV/AIDS, unintended pregnancy, sexual coercion, and sexual violence.

Abstinence-based sex education has been scientifically proven to be ineffective and ethically problematic. After decades of studying its impact, multiple studies concluded that it is paramount to equip young adults with comprehensive, culturally competent, and medically precise sexual education. Researchers found that engaging in supportive conversations about sex was vital to facilitate one’s healthy development of sexuality into adulthood.

Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn notes that the rise of the feminist movement in the 1960s and 1970s strongly influenced a cultural shift toward sex positivity. “This was the time of sexual liberation and sex positive feminism when people became more open-minded about sex, casual sexual relationships, women's pleasure, and LGBTQ+ relationships,” she explains. She also says many contemporary sex educators, therapists, and communities are continuing to move the needle on the sex positive movement.

One study shows having an open-minded and communicative approach to sex also leads to better outcomes in doctor-patient relationships. Sex positive health educators are able to provide comprehensive education on sexual practices, pregnancy, family building, and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) with the populations they serve.

What Does Sex Positivity Look Like?

Developing a playful and curious relationship with your body is a way to practice sex positivity. A sex positive attitude allows you to explore your sexuality in a healthy and enjoyable manner so you can discover and understand what is most pleasurable for you. Suwinyattichaiporn shares some indicators of being sex positive:

• Accepting and honoring your sexuality, bodily autonomy, freedom, and sexual desires
• Not casting negative judgment on other people’s consensual sexual practices
• Engaging in safe sex practices, i.e. regularly getting tested, seeking consent, using condoms or birth control
• Cultivating an open relationship to your pleasure, kinks, body, and body image 
• Listening compassionately and non-judgmentally to others about their relationship to sex 
• Communicating about sex and your boundaries in an open-minded, clear, and empathetic way
• Being able to affirm your or someone else’s sexual identity, behaviors, orientations, and gender expression with care  
• Ensuring inclusive and comprehensive sexual education and reproductive healthcare 
• Fighting for equal rights, safety, and fair wages for sex workers 
• Respecting you and your sexual partner’s boundaries 
• Being honest with yourself and your partner about your freedom of choice and preferences 

Is It Possible to Be ‘Sex Negative’?

A sex negative perspective stems from the belief that sex is inherently bad, dangerous, or shameful and should be limited to those who are heterosexual, married, or trying to have children. Individuals with a sex negative attitude fail to recognize the joy, connection, intimacy, and exploration that sex can bring, disregarding the fact that human beings are inherently sexual beings.

Suwinyattichaiporn says a lot of people are sex negative, but it’s usually not through any fault of their own. It’s likely these individuals have internalized oppressive societal and cultural messaging that sex should be shrouded in wrongness. 

Feeling connected to your sexuality is part of well-being. If you feel your expression of sexual identity or sexual behavior is shameful, it can cause a cascade of emotional dysregulation, suppression, humiliation, anxiety, and overall poor mental health. This is a result of sex negativity.

Examples of sex negativity include, but are not limited to:

• Feelings of shame and guilt around sexual thoughts, emotions, practices 
• Unhealthy relationship to sex, body image, and porn
• Slut-shaming someone for having consensual, safe sex with one or multiple partners 
• Seeing masturbation or ethical porn as something dirty and sinful
• Viewing heterosexuality as the only acceptable norm and the LGBTQA+ community as abnormal
• Sharing derogatory slurs, remarks, and stereotypes about queer people (Seeing something feminine and saying, “That’s so gay”)
• Advocation for the criminalization of sex workers and not seeing them as people, but as individuals beneath society 
• Little to no tolerance for people to express their gender and sexual identities such as the way they dress or pronoun usage
• Having a shaming and judgmental reaction to someone who was sexually assaulted (“They were asking for it” or “What did they expect going out that late in that outfit?”) 

How Sex Positivity Impacts Mental Health and Relationships

We’ve come a long way from how we used to view sex. 

The World Health Organization views consensual sex and positive, intimate relationships as a fundamental human right. Sex is no longer an aberrant human behavior we have to justify, but rather an affirming act viewed with normalcy, dignity, and celebration. 

A 2016 study completed a longitudinal study over a decade and found that greater sexual well-being correlated with a healthier relationship with the self and with others. Participants in the study reported reduced depression, low desire for thrill-seeking, higher self-esteem, stronger religious beliefs, lessened substance use, improved social integration, lessened delinquent behavior, and a higher level of involvement within their community.

According to Suwinyattichaiporn, emerging studies continue to show that having a positive sexual attitude is correlated to higher levels of sexual satisfaction, which in turn leads to social, emotional, physical, and mental benefits.

She adds, “There are many [additional] benefits of being sex positive including reduced sexual anxiety, improved sexual functioning, and higher levels of sexual self-esteem which can also give you a confidence boost.” 

How to Be More Sex Positive

There are many ways to be sex positive. Whether you are just starting out with sex positivity or want to expand your existing sex positive attitude, here are some ways to incorporate sex positivity into your daily life:

Talk Openly About Sex

Seems simple, but Suwinyattichaiporn says being able to have positive conversations about sex is one of the biggest way to be more sex positive. 

Clinical data shows that couples report sexual dissatisfaction due to a lack of open communication about their needs. So, although the conversation may be uncomfortable with your partner, it’s essential to have your relationship be a safe space to communicate your sexual needs. This can also help build trust and intimacy in a relationship.

Practice Sexual Affirmations and Sexual Meditation

“[Sexual affirmations are] a meditation practice that focuses on positive sexual thoughts, feelings, and sensations,” Suwinyattichaiporn says. Studies show self-affirmation is key in reducing body shame and increasing positive mindset and body satisfaction.

To help see yourself in a generous light, Suwinyattichaiporn suggests saying phrases such as:

• I adore my body
• I deserve to feel pleasure 
• I am an amazing sexual partner
• I am a beautiful sexual being
• I embrace my sexual desires
• I am flowing with sexual energy
• I am desirable, attractive, and wanted 
• I am grateful for my body 
• I am free, whole, and irresistible  

Be The Sex Positive Go-To Person

Your friends tend to be the people you go to for problems in your life. Topics around sexual health are no exception.

A study in 2018 found that peer sexual communication can guide friends to higher sexual self-efficacy and sexual self-esteem as long as the information was empowering and accurate. However, when the information was inaccurate, those same conversations led to risky sexual norms. 

Suwinyattichaiporn notes that educating yourself properly and having a sex positive attitude with your family and friend group will help move the sex positive movement forward. 

Tune Into Your Sexuality

In childhood, parents often gave children inaccurate language to describe their genitals. Instead of penis or vagina, they might use nicknames or the term “private parts” which creates the perception that sex is shameful.

Take the time to learn about your anatomy and then understand what brings you pleasure. This could be a good moment to try out sex toys and masturbation. Practice saying what you like out loud during solo pleasure so it’s easier to communicate what feels good.

Self-Assessment

Additionally, Suwinyattichaiporn suggests sitting with yourself and completing a self-assessment of your relationship to sex on a deeper level. There are always past harmful beliefs we can undo and unlearn, especially with any stereotypes or tropes that may limit you from seeing sex as a right for all. 

She recommends asking yourself these questions to begin:

• Do you think sex is healthy and pleasurable? 
• Do you think it’s completely normal for people to experience sex differently from you? 
• Do you think a happy sexual relationship comes in all shapes and forms? 
• Can you have a conversation about sex without anxiety and judgment? 
• Do you think comprehensive sex education is necessary for all people?

Resources

It’s important to maintain a curiosity about how you can improve and better communicate your sexual health, desire, consent, and communication styles. Suwinyattichaiporn advises listening to sex positive podcasts, following sex educators on social media, and going on sex positive audio chatrooms to learn more and engage with others. 

Verywell Mind has also compiled a list of research-backed resources to help you dive deeper into sex positivity and sexuality:

• “Come As You Are” - Emily Nagoski 
• “She Comes First” - Ian Kerner 
• “Sex at Dawn” - Christopher Ryan 
• “Smart Sex” - Emily Morse 
• “The Ethical Slut” - Dossie Easton
• “Polysecure” - Jessica Fern 
• “Mating in Captivity” - Esther Perel
• “Uses of the Erotic” - Audre Lorde 
• “Pleasure Activism” - adrienne maree brown
• “Is This Normal?” - Darcie Johnston 

A Word from Verywell Mind

Being sex positive does not necessarily mean changing your sexual habits. Many think that, to be sex positive, they need to casually have sex with many partners or try new, adventurous sex positions, but this is not the case. Sex positivity is about your attitude towards sex and sexual practices, not just the sexual practices themselves.

Seeing sex with positivity and acceptance allows you to embody the fullness of who you are. It helps you tune in to your pleasure and body, allowing you to have a better relationship with yourself and those around you. Sex positivity frees you of shame, which in turn can provide you with a greater sense of well-being and peace.