Angry Sex: Is It Healthy?

Angry sex is the engagement of pent-up aggression and passion during sexual acts that are often wild and intense. Couples may engage in angry sex after a huge fight while emotions are still high, or it could be initiated hours or days later in the form of 'makeup sex.' Sometimes angry sex replaces discussing relationship issues. As long as all partners consent to the experience and it is done in a safe and mutually comfortable way, angry sex can be a healthy part of a romantic relationship.

Here we discuss what angry sex may look like, the importance of consent, and how to make angry sex comfortable for all parties involved. We also talk about how angry sex can impact a person's mental health.

What Does Angry Sex Look Like?

Someone who's never had angry sex may be wondering what happens during this type of sexual encounter. Jess O’Reilly, PhD, resident sexologist at ASTROGLIDE, explains that angry sex might involve:

• Interrupting an argument to be physically sexual
• Sexual activities that stray from a person's norm (an expression of more animalistic desires)
• Spontaneity
• Feeling more relaxed and rational post-sex; relief of tension
• Transferred states of arousal (e.g., when we are angry, our body is physically aroused with an increased heart rate, blood pressure, and flushing; these changes are also experienced during sexual arousal and can sometimes trigger it)
  

Angry Sex and Consent

Consent is essential in all aspects of life. When we consent to something, that means we approve and agree to the circumstance at hand. Because angry sex can be rough, wild, and crazy, it's more important than ever to be sure that our partner is comfortable and okay at all times.

Shagoon Maurya, counseling psychologist, psychotherapist, and founder of www.ursafespace.com, says: "Having consent is not only healthy and safe but also exciting. You are more likely to perform better in sexual intimacy when you have your partner’s consent. Therefore, asking your partner [for consent] is the first thing you have to do when it comes to sexual intimacy."

Can You Have Angry Sex With Anyone?

Can angry sex be with anyone? Yes. Just as we could randomly have sex with a stranger when we're not mad, we may also do so when we're upset. But is it safe? Not necessarily.

Angry sex can be riskier because the stakes are higher. During casual sex, we are physically and mentally inviting a stranger into our world. So, comfortability becomes a huge concern.

How to Make Angry Sex Comfortable

According to Maurya, angry sex might be a healthy tool to pull a relationship through a rough patch. However, because of its intense nature, couples might hesitate and become more anxious—which defeats the purpose of angry sex.

To make angry sex more comfortable, couples should:

• Communicate: Initiating the idea of angry sex even before hitting a rough patch is essential. This acts as consent and tells us the preferences of our partner. If they say no, then respect the decision. If they want to experiment, then you can go ahead when the time comes.
• Set boundaries: During angry sex, it is common to have intercourse that is rougher than usual. Things such as bondage, physical pain, domination, etc., are more prevalent in angry sex. Sometimes, it might become a little excessive for someone to have such intense sex, to the point that it becomes uncomfortable and hurtful. Therefore, setting boundaries in the bedroom and practicing them is crucial.
• Intuitive thinking: Develop the intuition for when to have angry sex. Sometimes things might be too serious. Therefore, it becomes important to read the mood and then approach your partner with any sexual advances.
  
• Post-sex aftercare: Sex was just the gateway for closeness during a time of discomfort in the relationship. However, this is just the starting point. What happens after intense sex is the more critical stage. That is, having a serious discussion about the problems that led to angry sex. Then, engage in soft intimacy with your partner and talk things out in a caring and affectionate manner.
• Have a healthier relationship (outside of sex): This is an umbrella statement that includes efforts towards improving the relationship and yourself. For example, having healthy communication, a strong intimate life, a comfortable professional life, etc., can help you live a richer life with your partner. In turn, this will allow you to have a healthier sexual relationship with your partner.

How Does Angry Sex Affect Mental Health?

As stated earlier, angry sex is a nonverbal form of communication. It may be used to avoid communication, but having angry sex instead of communication is usually not the best solution. Engaging in angry sex to avoid communication does not solve the issue at hand.

Angry sex starts to affect mental health when consent isn't present and/or abuse happens. Maurya also believes that if anger leads to sex often, it creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship because your mind will begin to equate anger with arousal and desire.

In turn, partners may come to desire negative emotions to facilitate sexual engagement. This is known as the Pavlovian response, in which people become conditioned to patterns.

Measuring Angry Sex Success

The best way to measure the success of angry sex is to ask. Ask your partner if they enjoyed and felt comfortable during sex. Assess yourself and think about how the experience made you feel. Do you feel better or worse after? Was it satisfying? Are you feeling awkward?

Communication will always be the best option and if you and your partner don't know how to navigate together, therapy is an option to explore.

Bottom line, don't attempt to use angry sex as a replacement, it could become a toxic addiction, and possibly harmful for everyone involved.

Summary

Angry sex exists for a reason, so if you and your partner have given consent to engage in angry sex then it might be worth exploring. Feel free to have fun with it!

Discuss boundaries and pay attention to each other's body language to gauge whether the experience is fun for either one of you. However, if you find that you and your partner as using angry sex to replace discussing important relationship issues then it may be time to speak to a couple's therapist.