The Dangers of Love Bombing

Love bombing is a tactic in which someone “bombs” you with extreme displays of attention and affection with the intent to manipulate you. Although being showered with "love" can seem positive at the beginning of a romantic relationship, love bombing can lead to the other person gaslighting you, also sometimes leading to abuse.

Mental health professionals explain that this tactic may be used by someone with narcissism or who is sociopathic in an attempt to control the other person. Here's what you need to know about love bombing, including how it feels, signs it may be occurring, and what to do if it is.

What Does Love Bombing Feel Like?

Why does love bombing feel so good? Well, love bombers sweep you off your feet. It’s nice to be flooded with dopamine, the feel-good chemical your brain releases. As Dr. Amy E. Keller, PsyD, MFT points out, “It feels great when a new potential love interest starts sexting you or bombards you with texts, calls, and flowers.”

Especially common in cases of domestic violence, the abuser will inflict abuse, reiterate how much they love you, and then employ dramatic tactics to get in your good graces again to keep you in the relationship. The danger is that the abuser needs control and the same cycle repeats. They don’t change their abusive behavior and you might be in harm’s way.

When Are You Most Likely to Be Love-Bombed?

Love bombing often takes place at the onset of a relationship. At the beginning of getting to know each other, you might view this new person in your life as charming and especially attentive. They may praise you effusively, tell you they adore you, and seem to emotionally attach very quickly.

Love bombing also happens with couples after having a big fight or breaking up. There’s nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance, but if someone belittles you and then begs for forgiveness, promises it will never happen again, and offers overly grand gestures—like sending you five dozen roses to show how sorry they are—be cautious.

What Are the Stages of Love Bombing?

Love bombing generally occurs in three stages or phases. They are idealization, devaluation, and discard.

Idealization

A common sign of a love bomber is they don’t do anything halfway. During the first phase of idealization, they seem to put you on a pedestal. This can feel flattering, but they idealize you too quickly. In fact, everything seems to happen too quickly.

Devaluation

One of the telling signs of being love-bombed occurs during the second phase, the devaluation stage. Your partner alternates between being kind one minute and cruel the next. They’re savvy enough to be loving in public so others think they’re great but can turn abusive, especially in private.

Discard

The third stage of love bombing is the discard phase. During this stage, the other person doesn't take accountability for their actions. And if you confront them or try to set healthy boundaries, they may refuse to cooperate or end the relationship.

Who Engages in Love Bombing?

In the first study to empirically analyze love bombing behaviors, researchers found a correlation between love bombing and narcissism, insecure attachment style, and low self-esteem using a sample group of 484 college students.

These millennials sent excessive communications at the beginning of romantic relationships to gain power and control over their love interests. The scientists noted millennials have shown a major increase in narcissism compared to previous generations.

How Do You Know If They're Love Bombing You?

So, how do you know if you’re falling in love or starting a relationship with a love bomber? Start asking yourself these questions to determine if your mental wellness is being adversely affected because you’re being love-bombed:

• Is this person taking an extreme interest in your family, career, and hobbies?
• Is this person complimenting you and then criticizing you in the same breath, supposedly “for your own good"?
• Is this person constantly asking you where you are and then angry if you don’t answer fast enough?
• Does this person make you feel comfortable? Or are you nervous and it all feels like too much? 
• Is this person narcissistic, i.e. lacking compassion for you and exhibiting self-aggrandizing behavior? 

Take the Lovebombing Quiz

Try our fast and free lovebombing quiz to find out if you're in a situation that may constitute lovebombing:

Tell-Tale Red Flags of Love Bombing

Take a few minutes and see if these red flags have appeared during your relationship. These examples will alert you to the fact that the person you’re with is likely a master manipulator.

• They ignore your time and schedule and are focused on their own needs.
• They offer over-the-top compliments and exaggerated flattery. They chillingly seem to know what you want to hear.
• In public and on social media, they like big displays of PDA (i.e., public displays of affection). They like to offer the look of a perfect romance.
• If they give you lavish gifts, they hold them over you. They remind you of how much they’ve done for you and the expensive gifts they’ve given you, especially when you’re exhibiting doubt.
• They need constant reassurance. If you don’t answer a text, they blow up and maybe even threaten you.
• You start to fear being punished and berated by them. You become uneasy in their company.
• They confuse you. They’re insecure, so they blame you and make issues seem like your fault.
• They gaslight you, so you second-guess yourself and your reality as they slowly exert more control over you.
• Due to their emotional abuse, you experience depression or anxiety.
• They isolate you from your family and friends so you rely solely on them.
  

Can Love Bombing Ever Be a Good Thing?

In a few cases, love bombing can be a positive experience. Someone eager to find the right person might be elated when they find that special someone and shower the other person with lots of gifts.

While overly generous, this type of love bombing occurs over time. It feels natural compared to the controlling ways of a typical love bomber.

What If You Realize You're Love-Bombing Someone Else?

In other cases, you might be love bombing and not even know it. If you're feeling insecure or have a desperate need to shower someone with attention and gifts, it's important to figure out why:

• Are your smothering actions due to clinging to the relationship?
• Are you compensating for the poor treatment of your partner in the past?
• Do you fear your partner will break up with you?
• Do you fear abandonment?
• Do you want to be viewed as a hero?

Take some time to assess your behavior. After you figure out what is driving you to act this way, consider your goal and how this is impacting the person you love.

If you're innocently love bombing (meaning you have no intention or desire to manipulate your partner), you could have an insecure attachment style. Seeking the help of a psychologist can help you identify your behavior and motives.

What an Intimate, Loving Relationship Looks Like

Dr. Keller notes, “In a loving partnership, one is allowed to have discussions about changing their mind, ask for time, and confide in their partner their fears and concerns. Then hopefully, they can subsequently come up with solutions together.”

With closeness, respect, and consideration, healthy couples can be vulnerable, trust, and care for each other. Achieving this goal can be difficult with a partner who has narcissism and isn't receiving treatment.

What to Do After You’ve Been Love Bombed 

Know that you’re not alone. A study on living with pathological narcissism found difficulties within the context of their close relationships.

Researchers found that not only was the grandiosity detrimental to partners and relatives, but the vulnerable aspect of pathological narcissism which includes instability, insecurity, and rage affected their partners in an insidious way.

The antidote to being love-bombed in the future, says Dr. Keller, is “to know your own self worth, to love yourself, to keep one eye open in the relationship, and try not to be so blinded that you don't learn enough about your partner.”

Summary

If you are being love-bombed by a romantic partner and find that the relationship is becoming more abusive, help is available. Reach out to a mental health professional or talk to someone you can trust.