Why Does My Mom Hate Me?

Worrying that your mom hates you is a complicated and deeply hurtful experience. Since our mothers are our introduction to the world, it makes sense that we tend to feel a strong connection to that half of our parental unit. 

Your relationship with your mom might feel simple—you love and respect them and they love and respect you. However, our mothers can also have more complex roles in our lives, and sometimes our relationship with them hurts.

In this article, we’ll go over what to do if you think your mom hates you, the possible reasons for your feelings, as well as how you can cope with feeling unloved by your mother. 

In this article, we’ll be breaking down some of the scenarios that can cause you as an adult to question your mother’s love, the possible reasons behind these feelings, as well as the different ways to cope with feeling unloved.

Why Does My Mom Hate Me?

If you’re worried that your mom hates you, the hurt, confusion, and vulnerability will probably feel pretty big. It’s hard in those moments, but try to step out of your feelings for a moment so you can look at the situation more objectively. 

According to psychotherapist Valentina Dragomir, "there could be many reasons why a child may think their mother hates them. Perhaps the child is feeling neglected or unsupported, and has interpreted this as hatred.”

Dragomir says that sometimes, a child comes to think their mom hates them because they "witnessed their mother behaving angrily towards others, and has mistakenly assumed that this anger is directed at them.”

And then there’s the “it’s not you, it’s me” experience of growing up. Dragomir says that a kid thinking their mom hates them “could also be that the child is simply going through a phase of rebelliousness, during which they naturally assume that their parents must be against them.”

If you’re a little overwhelmed trying to piece together how you came to feel the way you do about your relationship with your mother, don’t worry. We’ll walk you through it. Here are a few reasons you might think your mom hates you, and how you can work through your feelings. 

Your Mother Always Finds Fault With You

Criticism is not always a bad thing. Listening to others give honest feedback about qualities like our work ethic, communication skills, or relationships can be chances for us to grow. 

However, being on the receiving end of harsh reviews can feel hurtful, especially when the person giving those hard-to-hear critiques is your mother.

If your mom often criticizes various aspects of your life and behavior, you might start to feel like she hates everything you do—and maybe that she even hates you.  While it can definitely be hard to hear, your mother might have your best interest at heart when she shares her observations with you. 

If it’s coming out harshly, consider that she may not feel negatively toward you—she might actually be struggling to say what she wants to say in the way she’d like to say it. 

Constant criticism, however, is not necessarily going to be more helpful. If your mom always finds something “wrong” with you and has something negative to say about every part of your life, this dynamic is not going to be a supportive one. 

For example, if your mother comments on everything from the clothes you wear and your job to your life partner, the critiques might not be coming from a place of love and wanting to support you. 

Your Mother Won’t Spend Time With You

We’ve all had periods in our lives when it seems like we just do not have enough time in the day to balance work, family, and relationships. 

If you can’t think of the last time that you hung out with your mom and she hasn’t reached out to ask to visit or chat, you might feel hurt and like she doesn’t care about you.

Take a step back and try to think about what’s going on in both of your lives. Is she really busy with her work or hobbies? Has she been dealing with health concerns? Have you been taking on a lot at work or at home, and maybe giving her the sense that you’re really busy and need time to handle all the things you have to do? 

In this case, it might be as simple as giving your mom a quick call or text to check in and find a time to get together. She might have been avoiding asking (even if she wanted to) because she didn’t want to add something else to your to-do list. Or, if she’s been busy, she might not know that you feel deprived. 

However, if your mother always seems hesitant to commit to plans, cancels on you with weak and even overly elaborate reasons, or is always impatient to leave when you do get together, these actions could make you question whether she actually wants to spend time with you. It might even make you question the closeness and connectedness of your relationship. 

Dragomir says that "there could be many reasons for a strained relationship between mother and child. Perhaps the child is going through a rebellious phase, and the mother is struggling to deal with their behavior. It could be that the mother is working long hours and feels too tired to engage with her child. Or, if the mother is dealing with her own personal issues, this makes it difficult for her to be emotionally available for her child."

Your Mother Is Mean to You

Some people describe their moms as warm, attentive, and kind—but not everyone. When you think of your mother, the words “cold,” “abusive,” or just plain “cruel” might be the first ones that jump to mind.

If your sentiment toward your mom is deeply negative, you may or may not be able to pinpoint where your feelings are coming from.

For example, if your mother always showed a preference for your siblings, you may not feel very secure about her love for you.  

If your mom constantly yells at, belittles, or fights with you, that’s also a stressful indicator that your relationship is not a supportive, loving one. Maybe your mom ignores you and your feelings, which makes you feel unseen and unloved. 

You may also feel like your mom makes fun of or mocks you. 

Maybe your mother is known for her “dry” humor and is always the first one to make a sarcastic crack. While her jokes may have gone over your head when you were a kid, understanding them as an adult means you’ll probably be able to figure out when you’re the butt of them. 

It might seem backward to sit your mom down to talk about how words can hurt since this is something that we usually learn from our parents, but it’s important. 

It’s possible that she doesn’t realize her teasing is hurtful. If it is mean-spirited, she might use humor to cover up some of her own not-so-fun feelings, like insecurity. 

You’re Afraid of Your Mother

In an ideal world, our moms would be our “safe place” from day one and continue to be a place we can return to for comfort and reassurance. But that’s not always the case, and for some people, moms are where worries and fears start. 

Some mothers don’t know how to give reassurance and gentle love to their children. Even if it wasn’t on purpose, you may have felt that she was not there for you as a child and still can’t be there for you now that you’re an adult. 

However, if your relationship with your mother seems to be defined by unkind words, dismissed feelings, poor communication, or cruel treatment, you might have learned early on that your mother is not a safe place to land. Not only did your mother not help you face your fears, she might have become something to fear. 

Why Do Mothers Hate Their Children?

It’s possible for some people to have relationships with their mothers that are supportive and respectful of boundaries throughout their lives. However, that’s not the reality for everyone. 

It’s also possible for moms to hold and show obvious disdain for their kids, and the reasons for this are complex and not always something a child (or even an adult child) can easily understand.

For example, mothers who are dealing with diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health conditions and/or substance use disorders can struggle to connect with their children and may consistently fail to care for them. 

Mothers dealing with parental burnout and other stressful emotional situations without adequate support can be distant and cold towards their kids, as well as other people in their lives.

What to Do If Your Mom Seems to Hate You

Feeling like your mom hates you isn’t just a terrible way to feel in the moment—over time, these feelings can lead to depression and anxiety.

Making your mental health and well-being a priority is the first and most important thing you can do. It’s only when you’re feeling like you’re in a safe and supported space that you can start looking at your relationship with your mother and thinking about what might be behind her behavior.

Focus on Your Needs

It’s hard to get over the feeling that you are the reason for your mother’s behavior. The most important thing you can do is work on freeing yourself of blame or beliefs that you're unworthy of love. You can start this process by making your own well-being your priority, then look at the possible reasons for your mother’s behavior from a mentally strong and supported place.

As a kid, you would not necessarily have known about all the “adult stuff” your parents had to face every day. To you, your mother’s disinterest or “snappiness” when you would try to engage with her just felt like hurtful rejection. You may have believed that it must be your fault and that there was something wrong with you that made your mother hate you. 

Dragomir says that “the mother's point of view may be quite different to the child's belief. The mother may be completely unaware that her child feels this way, and is actually deeply hurt by the thought that her child could think she hates them. The mother may be struggling with her own issues and unintentionally taking them out on her child, leading the child to believe that she hates them. In any case, it is likely that the mother does not actually hate her child, but rather is struggling to cope with her own issues and may not be providing the support that the child needs."

Work With a Therapist

One way you can address the confusion and pain of feeling unloved or even hated by your mom is by going to therapy.

A qualified mental health professional can guide you through unpacking the complexities of your relationship with your mother, and how her treatment of you has made you feel. It’s also a safe place to work on the irrational guilt you may have about your mother’s behavior. 

Therapy can also help you learn skills to take care of yourself and change your interactions with your mother to be more supportive of your mental well-being. 

Tell Your Mother How You Feel

When every conversation you have with your mother is focused on the problems that she has with you or the negative comments she makes about your life, trying to interrupt her long enough to tell her how this dialogue makes you feel might seem impossible—or pointless. 

But there can be power in communicating your feelings. In clear language, tell your mom how her behavior has affected you and the relationship you have with her.

You might be surprised by her reaction—it’s possible that your directness will be a “wake-up call” that helps her see that the way she’s been interacting with you has been hurtful to you, even if that wasn’t her intent. For example, maybe she’s letting her stress get “dumped” onto you unfairly and just hasn’t been aware of it. 

If your mother responds by getting defensive or just doubles down on her hateful comments, that’s also info for you to have when you’re trying to think through your relationship with her. 

In this situation, you might be the one who gets the “wake-up call” that your relationship with your mother is not emotionally safe and supportive. If she’s not willing or able to help repair it, know that you are not responsible for doing all the fixing yourself. 

Distance Yourself From Your Mom and Enforce Boundaries

If you opened up to your mother about your pain and it only made things worse, it’s time to think about setting boundaries. 

Distancing yourself from your mom can be physical and emotional. For example, if you’ve been living at home, it might be time to move out if you’re able to. If you’ve been taking your mom’s calls every day, it might be time to let them go to voicemail. 

Turn to Others For Support

If you’ve had to distance yourself from your mother and you’re trying to cope with feelings that she hates you, it’s important to reach out to other people in your life for support.

You can build a loving family with people who are there for you and offer unconditional love—be it your siblings, partner, or friends. 

Professionals like your doctor and a therapist are also key parts of your support network. Having trusting, supportive relationships with others can help you “reparent” the child in you who feels rejected and unloved by your mother. Eventually, you’ll learn how to be the parent to that little part of yourself.