When to Give Someone a Second Date and When to Say, “Next”! From a Therapist

As a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples, young adults, and relationships, I’ve worked with many people who have struggled with dating. When my patients open up about their difficulty finding the right person, they often reveal uncertainty about potential partners in the early stages of dating. 

In an ideal world, we would go on first dates and know right away if we are excited about going on a second date with that person or if we should pass, but so often we're left feeling indecisive.

Certain aspects of the interaction may have been perfect (sparkling conversation, lots of things in common) and others were not quite what you expected (less attractive than their dating app profile, showed up late, had weird eating preferences) and you can't decide if these are beige, yellow, or red flags. Maybe everything was perfect but you just didn't not feel that initial spark!

Plenty of times, it can be worth going on a second date just to be sure...but how do you know if it is actually worth it or if you are just in denial about something, or wasting both your time? Lucky for you I have some thoughts on the matter.

Big Sparks Burn Out Fast

One of the first things I tell my patients when they start a dating journey is that it’s important to remember to stop waiting for the big spark, and not to attach too much significance to first date impressions.

Let me break this down. I have found people who ignite a strong ‘spark’ or chemistry tend to activate insecurities within our attachment system. They might possess qualities that resemble our caretakers and have the potential to reignite unhealthy relational patterns. The most common trope is that of an unavailable yet desirable individual who is charming in person but does not meet your needs for connection when apart.

As a psychologist, I’ve observed that while strong relationships do have chemistry and butterflies, the ‘spark’ should not serve as your sole compass when it comes to dating. It can be hard to disentangle genuine connections when our attachment wounds are triggered.

Attachment wounds tend to generate insecure attachment—as romantic partners can resemble inconsistent caregivers—causing you to live in peaks and valleys, vacillating between apprehension for when they might reach out again to elation when they are available and show up.

The relative distance between each peak and valley provides a rush and functions as an addictive drug, which can feel much more enticing than the slow and steady pace of a secure partner. 

The deepest connections I have seen in the couples I work with are typically less intense than an activated attachment wound in the beginning of a relationship. Deep connection feels more like steadily maintaining a stable pace as you trek up a mountain, whereas an activated attachment wound feels like being catapulted to the top of the summit.

I've learned it's important to rewire your brain not to heed these elusive sparks of chemistry. All too often they're leading you down a familiar neural pathway of relational dynamics to which you are emotionally accustomed, but are not intellectually interested in pursuing. I know it can be hard to believe, but it's the more neutral and calm first dates that will likely lead to a deeper, more secure connection down the line. 

First Impressions Matter a Lot Less Than You Think

In my work, there’s an old dating assertion “date until you hate.” And while hate should not be the threshold for the second date barometer, if the person can't be immediately ruled out it's useful to push past initial feelings of neutrality or indifference.

It is more helpful to replace the ‘not sure’ gauge with specific reasons why you are not interested in them (see below for hard passes).

I urge my patients to remember that dating is a skill just like interviewing. Many people possess strong interview skills (charm, beauty, high emotional intelligence), that don't translate to job success (poor work ethic, unreliable, low follow through). Most can master the art of the first date, but few hold the ability to back up their charm and words with action—that takes time to uncover.

As you become more practiced with dating you learn to value the words and ways people market themselves lower than the actual actions and associated emotional reactions you experience over time. This means first impressions stop being such a big deal.

Know What Your "Musts" Are

Consider your past relationships and first dates that went well. What are the details that ended up mattering most? Everyone has their own set of relationship values and deal breakers, and some of those things can show up on a first date.

For instance, if they talk about how they ended their last relationship because their ex wanted kids and they didn't...and you definitely want children...that can be an indication that the relationship is not worth pursuing, even if it seems like the two of you are otherwise compatible.

Be compassionate and don't judge too harshly

Getting to date number 2 with someone you like can sometimes feel like a competitive sport, but it is important to remember people are more vulnerable than usual on a first date.

Both parties are trying to make a good impression and show the best side of themself, but there is still much room for awkwardness and human error, so it's good not to be too judgmental.

It is important to be compassionate and understanding in these instances. Did they stumble over their words because they were nervous? Did they show up a couple of minutes late because they couldn't decide on an outfit? These are factors that might be a little odd or frustrating but should not necessarily be reasons to write them off.

Remember it takes time to build a genuine connection

We are conditioned to think we need to feel that lovestruck spark within the first hour or so of meeting someone, but oftentimes this trope can lead us astray.

There are many wonderful relationships that blossomed over a longer period of time.

Things that should indicate a hard pass...

Ok, now that we've gone over the reasons why you should give someone a second date, what about the reasons why you shouldn't?

They engage in future faking

Future faking is a manipulation tactic I have seen many patients experience, which is commonly used to create a false sense of connection and intimacy.

If a person commonly makes statements such as: “we’ll travel there together” or “you’ll love my sister when you meet her” super early on in the dating process, they may be fostering hopefulness about your future relationship and illusory security. This is commonly used to speed up the relationship and to overshadow red flags. 

They don’t respect boundaries

These could be subtle ways in which they disregard your preferences or prioritize themselves at your expense.

For example, you state you have an early morning and need to end the night and they encourage you to stay out longer, you tell them you don’t want another drink but they push you to order another, or they initiate physical contact despite stating you are not comfortable yet. 

They talk excessively about themselves and don't display reciprocal curiosity towards you

There should be mutual self-disclosure and interest in each other on the first date. In other words, you definitely shouldn't feel like a therapist or like you're stuck in a fixed listener role.

If you find yourself feeling exhausted from carrying the conversation—remember to pause and allow for silence to see how your date responds instead of assuming responsibility to fill it.

They don’t directly respond to questions or disparage you for asking them

The first date is largely a screener to see if two people are compatible. Straightforward questions like ‘what are you looking for’ when it comes to dating are important to gauge intent and mutual goals.

If the person becomes defensive or makes you feel like it is too soon to ask, the two of you probably aren't on the same page, and this can be a key early indicator of incompatibility.

They are rude to the waitstaff

The way your date treats restaurant staff could reflect aspects of their personality and value system. For example, if they are impolite, they may have a situational value system, meaning their character changes depending on the perceived value they deem in those with whom they interact.

They are likely to dichotomize the waiter with a subordinate role, without having empathy for whatever challenges they might be facing as a fellow human being. 

They talk about their ex at length

This typically reveals that the relationship is still alive for them, and they may have started dating again too soon. Their ex may occupy space in their mind and they are still working through it—inadvertently with you.

Additionally, the way they talk about their ex is important. Overly negative and critical recounts of their partner are red flags. Relationships are co-constructed, so any breakup typically has two liable parties. If they condemn their ex without any hints of empathy it could reflect immaturity, lack of processing, or inability to take responsibility.

Relationships are not black and white and both people are usually accountable for the outcome.

When in doubt, give them a second chance

In general, I advise my patients to consider giving the person a second chance if they did not meet your initial expectations. It's always possible they were just off their game, had a bad day, or the circumstances of the date itself were to blame.

Ultimately, more information is always better than being left with doubt about what could have been. When it comes to dating, it is best to give people a real chance and to have no regrets.