Why Most People Lie to Their Therapist (And Why You Should Tell the Truth)

There are four people you should never lie to—your doctor, your accountant, your lawyer, and your therapist.

You’re paying these professionals for their expertise. They can’t help you if they don’t know the whole story.

But as a therapist, I know a lot of people don’t tell me the truth. And as someone who sees a therapist, I also understand why it’s tempting to lie.

How Many People Lie to Their Therapists?

The idea that most people lie to their therapist isn’t just based on my anecdotal evidence. Researchers have found most people struggle to be honest while sitting on their therapist’s couch.

Lies might range from little "white" lies like “I have to cancel my appointment because I’m sick” to major lies like “No, I don’t use any drugs.”

Lies may also include “partial truths.” For example, someone might tell the therapist they argued with their spouse but fail to mention they lost their temper and said hurtful things. 

Reasons Why People Lie to Their Therapists

If you’ve lied to your therapist, you might be tempted to beat yourself up for being dishonest. But, you likely have some underlying reasons that make being honest tough. So here are some reasons why it might be difficult to tell the whole truth.

Self-Preservation

Some people go to therapy because others want them to—like a partner or a probation officer. Consequently, they may not be invested in making changes. 

Their goal might be to avoid consequences that could stem from telling the truth. For example, someone who is mandated by the court to attend therapy might be quick to say, “That drug test can’t be accurate! I haven’t used anything in a long time.” Admitting drug use might lead to jail time for someone who is on probation. 

So, it makes sense that some people lie because they want to keep the status quo. They don’t want to make any changes. And admitting that there are things that they do need to work on would just keep them in therapy for longer.

Avoiding an Uncomfortable Emotion

While most people go to therapy to address sensitive subjects, talking about specific topics can feel quite uncomfortable.

So while someone may suspect it’s important to talk about something that happened during childhood or perhaps a question they have about their sexuality, talking about those things might feel too distressing. 

This is why it's so important to establish a good rapport with your therapist. If you trust your therapist and feel comfortable opening up to them, it makes it that much easier to dig into more difficult and sensitive topics.

Desire to Be Liked by the Therapist

It’s normal to want to be liked by other people. And your therapist is no exception.

Someone might worry that a therapist will judge them if they acknowledge a mistake they made. Or they might fear the therapist will think they’re a bad person or “crazy” for telling a story about how they lost their temper. So it might feel safer to reveal the things that make them look good.

In these cases, it's important to remember that your therapist has made a commitment to you to help you no matter what. They are ethically required to keep their opinions to themselves, unless they feel like you are in danger or are a danger to others. Remembering this can help you feel less worried about being liked or judged by your therapist.

Fear of Causing the Therapist to Feel Bad

Sometimes, people lie because they don’t want the therapist to feel uncomfortable. It’s hard to say things like, “I don’t like that homework assignment you gave me,” or “I disagree with something you said.” 

People pleasers might also lie about getting better. For example, they may tell their therapist they’re feeling better so the therapist won’t feel bad that their treatment isn’t working. 

This undermines the entire point of therapy. Your therapist is there to help you, not the other way around. Ideally, you would trust your therapist enough to know that they won't take anything you say personally, and will be able to help you through the difficult feelings that come up if you disagree with them or have an issue with the way they are treating you.

Finding the Courage to Tell the Truth

Your relationship with your therapist likely mimics your relationships outside of the therapist's office. For example, do you avoid confrontation with others? Do you focus more on impressing people rather than forming genuine connections? Do you make other people’s feelings your responsibility?

When you find the courage to be honest with your therapist, you’ll take a giant leap toward healing yourself. When you see that your therapist still accepts you when you’ve told some hard truths, it can be instrumental in changing the way you relate to other people moving forward.

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