What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed

When someone you care about is depressed, offering advice or wisdom may be something you do with only good intentions in mind. However, the words you use may not convey the message you want to send—especially if you don't understand the nature of depression and mental illness.

That's why it can be helpful to understand what not to say to someone with depression. Avoiding the types of statements presented here can keep your family member or friend from feeling worse, or from feeling as if you have no compassion or empathy for their experience.

Things Not to Say to Someone With Depression

It's important to discuss mental health with people we care about. But if we don't use tact and compassion, our attempts to help may do more harm than good. Below are some comments to avoid and habits to refrain from when speaking to someone with depression.

Don't Tell Them to Try Harder

Avoid making comments like "snap out of it" or "just try harder." Having someone tell you to try harder when you are already giving it your best effort can be demoralizing and may make a person with depression feel their situation is hopeless.

There are many reasons depression develops and a person cannot control all of the risk factors involved. Once a person has become depressed, it's not a matter of just "talking themselves out of" a low mood.

Like diabetes or hypothyroidism, depression can happen because of physiological reasons. Research suggests that neurotransmission issues, HPA axis abnormalities, and network dysfunctions can all contribute to depression. Issues with neurotransmitter regulation may play a role as well.

So, similar to how people with diabetes might need treatment with insulin, people with depression may need medical intervention and support. For some people, this may mean taking medications that address chemical imbalances that can contribute to the condition.

Don't Oversimplify

Well-meaning exhortations to "cheer up" or "smile" may feel friendly and supportive to you, but they oversimplify the intense feelings associated with depression. Depression makes it difficult for individuals to function as they typically would, and it is longer-term than ordinary sadness.

Just as someone who is depressed can't force their brain to make more serotonin, they also can't just "decide" to be happy. While there are certainly benefits to practicing positive thinking, it's not enough to cure someone of depression.

Don't Express Disbelief

"People who need help sometimes look a lot like people who don't need help," says author Glennon Doyle in her book "Carry On, Warrior." In other words, how a person appears on the outside does not necessarily reflect how they feel on the inside.

This is true of many mental illnesses, but also chronic illnesses and conditions that are sometimes deemed invisible. So avoid making statements like:

• "But you don't look depressed!"
• "You don't seem sad!"
• "You haven't been acting any different."

Don't Respond With Doubt

Depressive thoughts can become very intense and, in fact, are characteristic of depression itself—even though they don't reflect reality. Yet, people may not reveal the depth of these thoughts and feelings to those they care about, making it important to avoid comments such as, "Are you sure you're not just sad?"

Some reasons people with depression may try to hide what they are feeling include:

• They may feel ashamed, embarrassed, confused, guilty, or afraid of what would happen if others found out they were depressed.
• They may worry they will be seen as incompetent at work or as a parent.
• They may be worried that their spouse, family, and friends will stop loving them.

Just because someone with depression tries to cover it up, it doesn't mean they want to be dismissed when they do choose to open up about how they feel. It takes courage to speak openly about the pain they are experiencing. If someone responds with doubt, it may make them feel like talking about their depression is not safe.

Don't Compare Their Pain

When talking to a friend with depression or who is going through a difficult time, resist the temptation to compare their pain with that of someone else's. Remember that pain (both emotional and physical) is not only subjective but also relative.

Avoid comments like:

• "It can't be that bad."
• "It could be worse."
• "You think you have it bad…"

Depression doesn't need a justification. The experience is highly personal, and even if you care about someone and want to help, be aware that you can never know for sure how it feels to be them.

So, stop yourself from making comparisons or staging a "competition" for who feels the worst. Doing so isn't helpful and can make a person with depression feel that you're not truly listening to what they're telling you.

Don't Minimize Their Experience

To you, an event or situation that constitutes a minor annoyance or inconvenience may feel like an insurmountable obstacle to your loved one with depression. However, people with depression may lack the internal resources needed to cope with stress in an effective and healthy way.

So, avoid statements such as:

• "You've got this. You're just in a slump."
• "You'll get through this; just keep pushing."
• "This is minor. You've been through worse."

The person may also worry if they don't see a clear reason for their depression, and not knowing why they are depressed can make them feel worse. What someone's life looks like on the outside doesn't always reflect, or change, how they feel on the inside.

Don't Blame

While a deficiency of mood-regulating substances in the brain may be contributing to depression, the phrase "all in your head" tends to be blameful. People who hear the phrase may feel attacked, as though they are being accused of making it up or lying about how they feel.

So, avoid saying things such as:

• "It's all in your head."
• "It's your fault."
• "You're imagining things."

Furthermore, depression very often is not just in someone's head but in their body as well. There are many physical symptoms of depression, including chronic pain, which are very real. Depression is a medical condition that can't be expected to improve without treatment.

Don't Attribute It to Their Lifestyle

Avoid saying things such as:

• "Maybe this is a wake-up call that you need to change your life."
• "What did you expect from the lifestyle you've been living?"
• "I'm not surprised based on the way you've been living your life."

While researchers don't understand all the potential causes of depression, they know that there are many factors. Some of the key factors that contribute to depression development include:

• Genetics. Some environmental factors may also play a role, perhaps by triggering an underlying inherited vulnerability to depression.
• Environmental factors. As with genetics, people can't always control environmental triggers such as the type of home they grew up in. It's well known that people who experienced trauma or abuse in childhood are at an increased risk for depression later in life.
• Stress. Chronic daily stress, personal problems, and major life events can play a role in triggering symptoms of depression.

There are some modifiable risk factors and lifestyle changes that can have an impact on symptoms, but simply recommending lifestyle changes they may not be prepared for can also be unhelpful. The symptoms of depression (such as fatigue and lack of motivation) can make mental and physical activity overwhelming and exhausting.

Don't Be Apathetic

When someone is depressed, they may carry feelings of guilt and shame. They may feel that they are a burden to the people in their lives. These feelings can make depression worse and may even lead to suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviors.

When you care for (and about) someone who is depressed, you may say hurtful things when you are feeling frustrated or worried. If you find yourself thinking, "Who cares?" when listening to a loved one, recognize that it might be a sign you are burnt out.

You need to take care of your own emotional and mental health before you can help someone else with theirs. If you are feeling frustrated, irritated, or helpless, check in with yourself and make sure you have the support you need.

Don't Shame

It may seem, at times, like someone who is depressed is overly preoccupied with their own life (or, more specifically, their own thoughts), but that doesn't make them selfish. Avoiding making comments that shame them for how they are feeling, such as:

• "You only think about yourself."
• "Other people have problems, too."
• "You're thinking about yourself too much."

Implying that a person with depression doesn't care about other people provides no comfort and only fuels feelings of blame, shame, and guilt. People who experience depression still care about others. They just may not have the capacity to show it when dealing with depression.

Don't Ignore Them

Even if you have experienced clinical depression yourself, your experience may be different from someone else's. If you've never had depression, it may be hard for you to empathize. In either case, if someone you love is depressed, the best thing you can do is be open and willing to learn.

Rather than giving up on a conversation by saying "I just don't understand"—or saying you do understand when you really don't—start by reassuring your loved one that you care about them.

Avoid Platitudes

While a statement you make may be true, a person who is depressed may not have the perspective necessary to entertain the idea—let alone believe it. Platitudes, clichés, and vague statements don't offer much for someone to hold on to in terms of hope.

So, avoid making statements like:

• "This too shall pass."
• "Let it go."
• "You'll get over it."

A person who is depressed may have a hard time envisioning the future because they are overwhelmed by the present. It's also not easy to let go or escape from the past, especially for someone who has experienced trauma or loss.

You may feel like you're offering hope by saying that eventually, things will get better, but a person who is depressed may be frustrated wondering how long they will have to wait.

Final Thoughts

When you're talking to a loved one about their depression, repeating platitudes can make them feel that you're minimizing their feelings. When you're expressing your own feelings, the phrases you use may seem clear and to the point from your perspective, but the person with depression may feel attacked, misunderstood, or deeply hurt.

That's why it can be tough to find helpful words for someone who is feeling depressed. Don't be afraid to say, "I am not sure what to say right now." Stay mindful that the words you know can make a big difference. And if you're not careful, your words might do more harm than good.

If you think you've said something hurtful in the past, apologize. Explain that you weren't sure what to say or that you didn't understand. Making a genuine apology can help someone begin to feel better, even if your words haven't been helpful in the past.